To not want to celebrate my 50th birthday with DH family

[Numbkinnuts]

Approaching the big one and cannot really be bothered about having a party or anything special on the day. Myself and DH are going away later in the year without the children. In my mind I would rather keep my hard earned cash to spend on myself and not on others.

Anyway DH family , yes I suppose their are mine after 25 years keep going on about how I am going to celebrate. Well a couple of things - If I was going to have a ' family do' then it would be on my terms with my siblings . My parents died many years ago. Secondly I am bored with family celebrations with DH family. Birthdays and Christmas is always a big thing with them and I dread them. I don't have a good relationship with MIL for staters.

It looks like however arrangements are being made to have joint celebrations with DH family some of whom share ( not significant birthdays ) around same time. I can't think of anything worse and am already thinking of excuses

It's my birthday AIBU to not want to celebrate it like this ?

If you want to celebrate the other family members birthdays, then you can say you'd love to do that, but you're doing something else for your own birthday. Otherwise you'll end up paying towards something which is nothing to do with you.

Thanks all.

Looks like I will suck it up for the sake of family harmony

I'll sit in corner with my crisps and a bottle of wine !

I'm really not a miserable cow honest.

Everyone's told you to do what you want. With good reason.

But you're going to suck it up?

Your DH is presumably leaning on you to do this?

No he is not leaning on me to do this - but I get what some are saying.

This is a joint birthday get together ignited really as I am not having a bash. I don't really want to go but me not going without making alternate arrangements ie spa weekend or getting away will look a bit strange. Good to know that I was not BU.

Needed to get it off my chest and have a moan - is that unreasonable ?

Why suck it up?

How strange to 'suck it up'! It's your birthday!

There's no way DH would let his family organise something for my birthday that he knew I didn't want. Mind you, my in laws wouldn't dream of doing such a thing in the first place. If they did, both DH and I would be furious, and we wouldn't be sucking it up for the sake of family harmony.

Oh Bolo. I am sure the people who arranged the surprise party did not want to humiliate your friend just to celebrate a special event. It was very thoughtful to take the time to arrange something and she behaved appallingly.

DO NOT SUCK IT UP!
Just say No and keep saying NO.
50 is far too old to keep putting up with stuff you don't want for "family harmony". Start living life how you want.

Most people were saying the opposite of suck it up. If you husband wants a party fine but you could make it clear to him and his family you don't want it to be a joint thing and it can be near his birthday

She didn't behave appallingly if her mother invited people to her house without her permission. I think surprise parties are crap. I want to be dressed and in a party frame of mind.

Why on earth are you going to suck it up?! Just tell them that you have no interest in a party!

I am sure the people who arranged the surprise party did not want to humiliate your friend

So why did they, then? The whole idea of surprise parties is humiliating: it's about power (we know something you don't) and control (you're going to do what we want). I would like to do exactly what she did, although I might settle for leaving them to their party and going to the library. If someone wants a party, they'll organise it. If they didn't organise it, they don't want it. The end.

Sucking it up is something you could go onto regret because you are making that decision for the wrong reasons i.e. you're going because and for them.

You are a person in your own right and your opinion does matter.

No is a complete sentence after all.

If you do not want to attend, you really do not have to go out of any "family harmony" (an idea that is truly overrated) or some other misplaced sense of obligation. This is being done for their benefit, not yours and they have not acted in your interests here.

Where's your DH in this, can he really not stand up to his own family of origin here?.

Some people find it hard to understand that not everyone loves parties for birthdays and need reminding

This. Lots of my friends tried to press-gang me into having a party or Doing Something for my 50th but I stood firm because I didn't want my big day to become just another social event for other people. I don't like parties, don't like celebratory meals where the birthday person is centre of attention, and I wanted to celebrate with my family. Some people were quite miffed that I didn't go along with their railroading but hey-ho. I celebrated with a fire pit and sausages in the garden (on Boxing Day, in the snow ), and I didn't even have to put on any make up. Bloody fab!

It's YOUR birthday, OP. Make your own plans, or no plans, but do what YOU want to do. By all means go to the combined party for the others but you don't have to be involved. The choice is all yours, and that includes whether or not you let others coerce you into something you're not happy with.

OP, if you must go to the party, you could just 'pop in' for a quick drink and chat to people for only as long as you can bear. And then slip away home. Don't sit in a corner all evening. If they haven't got the message by then that you do things on your own terms, they never will. You are attending their party for their birthdays.

If you can't be a grown up at 50 and celebrate your birthday the way you want to well I'm afraid there's no hope for you.

Lol Bolograph. I think I'd actually like that scenario better. :) I'll be turning 50 in a few weeks and I've stressed no fuss and def no party.
Last year on my 49th my partner and I were invited to a housewarming. On the way we stopped in our local for a drink. A friend commented, 'you look nice, what's the occasion'? I said, my birthday. Being a cheeky bugger, the friend asked, your 50th'? Yeah I said.
Well, everyone started buying me drinks. 8 drinks later I said, I will have to take a raincheck as we are going for a meal and couldn't wait to get out of there before I got found out. I was half cooked when I got to the housewarming.
The following week, out in our local, friends were coming up and kissing me, wishing me belated birthday wishes and still buying drinks lol.
Numbkinnuts, tell your DH that you just want a low key affair for the two of you and for him to tell his family that you, as a couple, won't be attending any celebrations as you've got other plans.

sandgrown Thu 09-Jun-16 06:42:49

Oh Bolo. I am sure the people who arranged the surprise party did not want to humiliate your friend just to celebrate a special event. It was very thoughtful to take the time to arrange something and she behaved appallingly.

The person who actually behaved appallingly was the person who organised the "surprise". It really is about power and control, and the person on the receiving end often has to suck it up even if they really aren't enjoying themselves, because of the attitude that it was meant to be something thoughtful.

Well, no, it's frequently not a thoughtful act to arrange a surprise party. Arranging something like this is often a "look at how fantastic I am, to arrange this" display of attention seeking by the arranger. I've been to several surprise parties (before I wised up and stayed out of it) and in every case, the arranger went round talking to people and lapping up the attention they got for organising it.

OP, don't suck it up, make it clear if you don't want a party and go and do what you want to do, even if that is simply nothing.