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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH wants to be treated like a child & is not trying to be helpful

67 replies

Armywifelife · 07/06/2016 14:28

This is an argument that is now recurring every month or so and has just happened once again and I'm so sure I'm right.
So I say to dh, watch ds (18 Mo) I need to do housework. To which he replies I will do it, just tell me what needs doing. This response makes me so angry (8 months pregnant right now so that doesn't help) because it's like he can't use his initiative to see for himself. House is far from immaculate right now, dishes to be done, whole kitchen pretty much needs cleaning, bin to take out, dusting, bathrooms need wiping etc etc so it really doesn't take a genius.
If I don't tell him he claims he doesn't know what needs doing which I think is a load of crap. It's his house just as much as mine, it's almost hard to believe he is in a very skilled job that requires a large amount of initiative. He has this time said I am being awful because he's trying to be nice and I'm just having a go at him. Its wound me up more than usual today because I told him everything needs doing but then he says well give me jobs to do and I'll do them Angry is it so hard to just do the fucking washing up off your own back?
He had a very early finish from work and had a 2 hour nap so I really don't think I'm being unreasonable!
But I'm prepared to be told I am and that its my crazy baby brain.
Just to add hes a great dad to ds, does maximum amount he can and never needs me to tell him what to do!

OP posts:
thetemptationofchocolate · 08/06/2016 12:33

My DH has form for leaving dirty clothes next to the washing basket. There was a pair of trousers stuffed in between the basket and the wall which I ignored for nearly a month. After several weeks he put them in the basket and they got washed with the rest of the stuff.

TheNaze73 · 08/06/2016 12:40

I think YABU, slightly.

He may not see what you see. If a door needed hanging, a fence erecting or a oil filter changing on a car, if he told you once, would you be able to do it, without confirming something?

Drawn the analogy a bit there ( you may well be a mechanic ) but, hope it illustrates my point

KatharinaRosalie · 08/06/2016 14:46

peachpudding it's a little funny to claim that 'we are all different!' (where have feminists said we are all the same anyway?) when just a few lines above you have stated that men simply don't see dust..

They see it. In some households, they just don't consider it their responsibility to deal with it.

As for the OP, she clearly describes that she was not talking about a yearly clean behind the fridge, but that dishes need to be done and bin taken out. Are people really saying that a fully capable adult can be standing next to a pile of dirty dishes and they can't see them and don't know what to do with them?

RhiWrites · 08/06/2016 15:39

The Naze, I don't think you have to be a mechanic to spot a door hanging off its hinges or a space where a fence should be or the oil change light in a car.

You also don't have to be a womanhousekeeper to put dirty washing in a machine or vacuum a floor covered in bits of gribble.

ElinorRigby · 08/06/2016 15:48

I have given my - now retired - partner specific jobs to do. The hoovering. Loading the washing machine and getting the laundry dry. Breadmaking (we have a machine and always use if for wholemeal bread.) I very occasionally crack and do the hoovering if things have got rank. Today we are out of bread and he's out so I have bought a baguette, and there's emergency pitta bread in the freezer too.. The laundry gets done fine.

Armywifelife · 08/06/2016 16:00

TheNaze its not that he doesn't know HOW, he took great offence when I asked if he needed me to show him how to do the jobs as well as telling him what to do!
And to be fair I'm a lot better at any kind of diy jobs going than he is Wink
I would probably need help doing something in his area of expertise but I would be able to spot that it needed doing first which I think is the point here

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 08/06/2016 16:32

May I apologise op, I misinterpreted it.

CostaAddict · 08/06/2016 19:38

Just came across this thread... Are you me OP??

Also pregnant (6 months) and this is a recurring argument in my house. DH is a fab dad, can do DIY (when prompted) and is actually just a great guy. Until it comes to housework. He would pester me for jobs to do while bloody cleaning but it really grates on my last nerve that he just can't fucking do it! Hormones.

We've now come up with a set list of his 'jobs'. Almost like my DS 6 chore list. Childish but it works for us. I've also learned to calm down slightly and actually ask him to do jobs for me.

Armywifelife · 08/06/2016 20:14

Costaaddict I'm glad it's not just me that gets so mad about it!
I freely admit that I'm unreasonably sensitive and angry about it but I blame hormones for that. I could just take the easy road and list the jobs on the spot but then my whole argument is invalid and I'm just not that reasonable right now!
He has apologised anyway because he got angry so all is good but a list will be appearing in the kitchen tomorrow. He has a long weekend off work this weekend so let's see how many jobs we can cram in... He will wish he never asked Wink

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/06/2016 21:39

With our children we have found it effective to tell them what the final outcome of the housework is to be, instead of giving task lists. I know he's your husband not your child but the same approach might work. The rules in our house are always in threes because somehow that helps everyone remember them.

"Clean the kitchen" is finished when the following three things are true:
(1) there is nothing out on the surfaces that is not supposed to be on show at all times (which means for example that all clean dishes are away, all dirty dishes are in the dishwasher, those random dead batteries on the worktop are in the recycling, that letter from school has been dealt with or put on the fridge, the toaster is still out),
(2) all surfaces are clean and dry,
(3) the floor is clean and dry.

"Tidy your room" is finished when
(1) there is nothing out that is not supposed to be permanently on show,
(2) the bed is made and has clean sheets
(3) the inside of the wardrobe is neat (harsh I know but DS1 would just chuck all his clothes inside including dirty pants if we didn't have this rule, and we needed a rule 3).

"Bathroom is clean"
(1) no marks on any sanitary ware
(2) only things out that are supposed to be on permanent display
(3) towels are clean.

"Completely ready for school" (then can have screen)
(1) fully dressed including shoes
(2) teeth brushed
(3) bag(s) next to the door

We also have a loose rule that your siblings get a say in whether you have met the criteria. The first one finished gets the iPad. None of the DC have actually bought white gloves. Yet.

Another "rule" is that we tend to shout out a set of things that need doing equal to the number of people doing them. Then it is first come first served: the first child to get started will obviously choose the easiest job, so there is a race to start and some negotiation. If you leave your crap lying about on work surfaces, more fool you, the way it is "tidied" by the surface clearer can be um interesting ("mean" tidying is not allowed though). I always run for clearing tables because I've usually left papers and keys everywhere, DH likes dishwasher and floor steam mopping (probably because it involves machines).

It can be kind of fun, after all the initial moaning often from me

I cannot abide doing housework alone and will go on MN instead until I have a housework partner available

Actually, that's a good point: I often moan about how boring housework is, so no one here believes that mummy likes cleaning, or that a person has to like it to do it.

Armywifelife · 09/06/2016 09:15

So I have ultimate rage this morning.
I got up with DS (DH is on nights tonight) and when it was time for DS nap I went back to bed for a lie down (SPD is crippling me at the moment) and DH woke up and got up to leave me in peace.
I have not cleaned the kitchen for 2 days now and I know I'm being stubborn but I completely refuse to give in and just do it, besides the fact I'm in a lot of pain (Ridiculously bad back after breaking it a few years ago and lots of surgery so makes pregnancy a bit harder).
He woke up and said he feels really good today, great.
So I have an hour lie down before DS wakes up, we go down stairs and he's sat playing on the computer. He's washed his work clothes and put another load in (the washer is in the kitchen) but hasn't even looked at the growing stack of dishes and the half garlic bread he left on the side THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY and there are 4 (yes 4) empty bottles of squash on the side with an empty bottle of milk and an overflowing bin which I commented about last night. I am trying so hard to bite my tongue right now!
We are going out for lunch today but I want it doing before we go not to come back to it arrrghhh!! Angry

OP posts:
DownUnderBound · 09/06/2016 09:47

Sorry but I'd love this! I'd write a list of everything in order and hand it over. Some times it doesn't comes naturally to people to clean etc crazy but true

AristotleTheGreat · 09/06/2016 10:50

Use the SPD as an'excuse' and tell him he has to take over the HW at the moment.
Tell him you are in excruciating pain due to the broken back plus surgery and you just cannot cope with more than looking after dcs. This fur the forseable future.

He still doesn't it as his responsibility. His work clothes yes but not the washing up and certainly not squash (that's for the dcs right? So not on his agenda).

You need to tell him, make it clear. Maybe make passing comments about running out of glasses but don't remind him to do the washing up.
And go and lie down. Because actually you DO really need it.

Armywifelife · 09/06/2016 13:02

So he asked what time we were going out and I said I didn't know but I wanted to do some jobs first (,didn't say what jobs) to which he said he's attacking the kitchen when we get home and that he won't have me doing it so I think he gets that I'm a bit fed up! But before we went out he cleared all the sides etc and emptied bins so just that made me happy that I didn't have to tell him and I don't have to look at the half baguette of garlic bread every time I walk in there

When I walked downstairs he was also cleaning the windows and dusted all living/dining room so my hormones have certainly chilled out now!

Aristotle most of the washing up is his and hes the only one that drinks the squash funnily enough! I can't stand empty bottles being put back when they are empty and there's the bloody bin right there! He also removed his crumbs from breakfast which rarely happens.

Now back from lunch so will see what miracles happen this afternoon....

OP posts:
AristotleTheGreat · 09/06/2016 19:44

Good news :)
Let's hope he will keep up the ante.

PlanBwastaken · 10/06/2016 09:53

Great news! And stick to your guns, it sounds like the last thing you need to do now is housework.

Runrabbit, I think you might be a genius, I'm copying stuff for when the kids are older. Any more tips?

blueskyinmarch · 10/06/2016 10:00

My DH will often ask what needs doing even though it is obvious to me. After 30 years of marriage i now know that he wants to know what is the priority in my mind and what bits i really don’t want to do. He has learned that the vacuuming is all his and the dusting too if my back is sore. I prefer cleaning the kitchen/bathrooms. We both hate ironing equally!

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