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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being a twat doesn't automatically mean they have MH issues

55 replies

Sherlocked1606 · 06/06/2016 19:45

Ok so there is a man at work who behaves disgustingly towards the women in the office. He is perfectly fine with the men.

Today he made sexual remarks about the school age daughter of a co worker. Her daughter was in her school uniform in her school photo. He was making comments about how fit the daughter is and how lots of men would like to fuck her. Yes he used the word fuck.

Myself and several other women told him he was talking about a child and to stop.he just smirked and walked away.

I told my colleagues that I had had enough and was going to report him. One of the other men said not to as he has MH issues. I asked whether he actually does or was he just guessing. He said that only someone who has MH issues would say things like that. I respondedthat no he was a twat, you don't need MH issues to be a twat. Although inappropriate behaviour can be a sign of MH issues, one doesn't automatically mean the other. I was told I was being rude and was just as bad as he was.

I told him to get a grip. That you can be a twat without having MH issues. He then said if I complained about the other man making comments he, my colleague would complain about me. This made the mother of the daughter to say just leave it. That it wasn't worth it.

Am I wrong? Was I being unreasonable? Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Sherlocked1606 · 06/06/2016 20:31

Imperial yes you could be right, I was annoyed and could have phased it better. I ment no disrespect to those with MH issues.

This man is the Alpha male of the office. Most of the other men follow his lead, running around picking up his crumbs of attention. Most of the women have been there longer than me and seem to just expect it.

OP posts:

venusinscorpio · 06/06/2016 20:35

YANBU. Report him. It's sexual harassment, whether or not the child's mother wishes to take it further. You, as a woman, do not have to put up with hearing men talk about women or girls in such a disrespectful and inappropriate way in the workplace.

AllegraWho · 06/06/2016 20:38

YANBU. Please report them both - people can not be allowed to get away with this kind of behaviour.

venusinscorpio · 06/06/2016 20:39

And of course, report your ignorant male colleague too.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 06/06/2016 20:43

YANBU.
I get very fed up with the attitude of inappropriate behaviour always equalling MH issues. It adds to the stigma of MH issues. I have MH issues and I don't act like a twat - well, I'd hope someone would tell me if I did!
The simple fact is, some people are self absorbed misogynist dicks, they would be the same MH issues or no MH issues. It's not a free pass for awful behaviour of this kind.
Please report it, perhaps ask around the office for people to back you up.

ijustdontknowanymore · 06/06/2016 20:47

Absolutely disgusting - report him! There is no way you should have to put up with that in your workplace!

Original poster

Sherlocked1606 · 06/06/2016 22:53

I'll speak to my manager tomorrow. Not sure what good it will do as he is pally with the man and the other men in the office.

OP posts:

venusinscorpio · 06/06/2016 23:38

It's sexual harassment, by making your workplace a hostile environment for you as a woman. Make sure your manager takes that on board.

Myusernameismyusername · 06/06/2016 23:40

Report both of them

venusinscorpio · 06/06/2016 23:42

If you're not comfortable speaking to your manager as you feel he is part of the problem, I'd think about going directly to HR or his superior.

CrapDIL · 06/06/2016 23:42

Report them both - one for being a twat, the other for facilitating twatty behaviour

fatmomma99 · 06/06/2016 23:49

and what would you be reported for????

I agree with those saying report both of them. In writing, btw.

Of course you make allowances for anyone with MH issues (or any additional need, or just understanding that someone's having a rotten time or needing support), but is his "MH issue" actually paedophilia? It's not acceptable to talk about a child in that manner, and absolutely should be challenged.

This is like equating "MH issue" with "it's just banter, love. Get over it", which is disgusting on so many levels, not least being utterly insulting to anyone who actually has and is dealing with a MH issue.

MinistryofRevenge · 07/06/2016 07:02

If he has MH issues which mean that he has an uncontrollable impulse to make inappropriate sexual remarks about children, someone will sooner or later have a word with him. Either a quiet word from HR, or a more robust one in a pub car park after hours; best for everyone involved - and him in particular - if he gets the sort of message that doesn't come with any broken bones.

If his impulses to make sexual remarks about children aren't uncontrollable, then he'll probably escape getting beaten up, but in that case he's just a twat, and should be reported to HR.

MinistryofRevenge · 07/06/2016 07:05

Fucksake, just read my post, and realised it could be read as meaning that there are situations where it's appropriate to make sexual remarks about children. That's not what I meant. It never is - just that people who do this generally seem to keep it to situations where they're confident they won't get seven bells knocked out of them.

Basicbrown · 07/06/2016 07:11

Wtaf has his mental health got to do with this?

Everyone is expected to behave decently in a work environment. MH issues don't cause you to make revolting sexual comments about children

newmumwithquestions · 07/06/2016 07:24

I normally read these kind of threads and think 'fgs leave it be'. In this case I think you should report it. Those comments are entirely inappropriate.
However please do so in a very 'factual' way as you don't want it to cause any problems for you. If you decide to report in writing then mn posters are often great at suggesting wording.

Nataleejah · 07/06/2016 07:43

Report them both.
As for MH, this dude seriously risks of getting his teeth kicked in, let's say this wasn't at work, but drinking out somewhere.

LastFirstEverything · 07/06/2016 07:44

Report him. What he said was absolutely disgraceful. And the colleague who supported and defended him is frankly as bad.

I have mental health issues myself, like a lot of people I've spent a great deal of time with in psychiatric wards. I've come across all kinds of 'inappropriate' behaviour, and probably done a bit of inappropriateness myself at times. Never anything like this though.

It worries me that people would explain away appalling sexualised and explicit comments about a CHILD, and in a workplace no less, by attributing it to 'mental health' issues. It makes me worry that people will think that I and others like me are like him.

His comments are worryingly offensive, and I wouldn't want to work with him. He may have mental health issues, he may not. But I'm fairly sure that that's not why he's a horrible, creepy and vile person.

redshoeblueshoe · 07/06/2016 08:03

Report both men. The boss may appear pally with the man, but in reality he isn't.

redshoeblueshoe · 07/06/2016 08:04

Sorry I meant to say he probably isn't, as I don't know them

yorkshapudding · 07/06/2016 09:01

Having worked in mental health all my adult life (and suffered with MH issues myself in adolescence) I can confirm that the vast majority people who act like twats are just that, twats.

Not everyone who is rude, inappropriate, aggressive or unpleasant is suffering from a mental illness and the vast majority of people who do have diagnosable MH issues don't behave in those ways. Completely ridiculous of your colleague to assume that every man who makes sexually inappropriate remarks must have MH issues. Maybe he is just extremely ignorant about mental health but it sounds like he could just be trying to pull the wool over your eyes so you don't report his mate's shitty behaviour.

Just for argument's sake, let's say this guy was genuinely suffering from a mental illness. He should still be that his comments are inappropriate, unacceptable and making others feel uncomfortable. Using offensive language and making sexually inappropriate remarks about a colleagues child in the workplace is pretty beyond the pale and could be considered gross misconduct. If your boss is part of this 'boys club' and you don't trust him to be impartial, go straight to HR. Don't mention MH issues, just stick to the facts and let them deal with it. For what it's worth, I would not be willing to work with a man who spoke openly about "fucking" colleagues children in the office and I would be going to my union if it wasn't dealt with.

Zaurak · 07/06/2016 11:22

Report to your boss.
Follow up after with a brief email along the lines of "thanks for your time today, I wanted to let you know that yesterday in the office the following exchange took place (xxxx) along with a threat of retaliation should I report."

Make sure you keep it factual and use the word retaliation (most companies have policies regarding this.)

It's utterly vital you follow up in writing. Save and print the email.

RandyMagnum · 07/06/2016 11:28

Thought this thread was going to be about the multiple defence of assholes, by the overzealous use of the MH card on this forum, bit disappointed it's not, that's another thread that needs written sometime though.

I would report him regadless.

coco1810 · 07/06/2016 17:01

Wow had it have been my teenage daughter he made those comments about, I wouldn't need HR but he would need an ambulance.

Original poster

Sherlocked1606 · 08/06/2016 14:48

My boss has been off sick this week so I reported him directly to HR. Hopefully they will do something.

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