to think I am not letting my baby "cry it out"???

[dividedmansions]

Have a 12 week old who tends to get hysterical when overtired. I now put him down in his cot the minute he starts giving tired cues (or 1.5 hours since his last nap, whichever comes first) swaddled with dummy in dark room. This usually sends him off really quickly but he does sort of grizzle for a bit first. Whenever he makes a sound I go and stroke him to calm him but I don't pick him up. If he starts crying I stroke and talk to him but again don't pick him up unless he gets totally distraught - the reason being that he doesn't actually want picking up most of the time, it gets him more overwrought. But I am always there, responding to him.

Saw SIL this weekend and she witnessed me putting him down for his naps and said she thought it was cruel to do cry it out and I should be rocking him to sleep. I told her he won't be rocked to sleep unless he's literally demented with exhaustion (and I try not to let it get to that point!) and this is what works for him. But she wasn't having it.

I would happily hold him and rock him all day if that was what he wanted. But AIBU to think a) all babies are different and b) letting him grizzle a bit without picking him up is not the same as letting him cry it out???

YANBU and your SIL sounds irritating.

CIO is leaving the room and letting them cry so totally different from what you are doing. I never rocked my kids to sleep either

You parent the child you have, not an abstract child from a parenting book. Your SIL should wind her neck in.

YANBU. Your sil is being OTT.

DS2 was the same, he found the notion of being rocked bizarre! SIBU. Not all babies are the same, DS1 would still like to be rocked now at nearly 3 - obviously he isn't.

I am rage full recently over these constant attempts to label things you do with your baby

-Baby cries - CIO
-Go back and pat them- CC supposedly better although Ferber who is the biggest cunt in the world allegedly recommends this as part of CIO so CONFUSED

• get a sling: baby wearing
• being baby into bed : co sleeping
• give baby normal food: baby led weaning
• do 2 or more of the "hippy" methods above: you're an attachment parent!

Oh fuck off. It's just sexist commercialisation of parenting, advocated by people with too much time on their hands

What you're doing isn't cry it out.
You're not leaving the room with him crying, going back, leaving again...
He's just grizzling & you're with him.

Your sil is very misinformed.
In any event, how what works for you & your DC has fuck all to do with her!

You sound as if you are really well tuned in to your baby and his needs.
You are also giving him good habits, as he is learning to self settle with help from you.

Please ignore your SIL. Just because it worked for her babies doesn't mean it would work for your ds. Every baby is different.

and, for what it is worth, you aren't doing cry it out, or controlled crying. You are helping a grizzly tired baby to settle in the way that suits him best.

YANBU I had to do the same with mine. All babies are different and mine would have been over stimulated and taken even longer to go to sleep!! Ten minutes of grizzling then out for the count!
The Internet is brilliant however it has also helped create a lot of insecurity. We are bombarded by so much parenting advice that people are terrified of leaving their child to grizzle for ten minutes for fear of causing damage. It won't, if it works for your baby keep doing what you're doing.

She also said I shouldn't swaddle as it was dangerous. But if I don't swaddle he's constantly hitting himself in the face.

Just made me feel crappy tbh.

YANBU

CIO is very different to what you're doing, it's where you just leave them to scream.

DC1 was like your son, I used to put her down awake & she'd normal only grizzle or cry for 2 or 3 minutes before nodding off. If I picked her up she'd get horribly angry or decide it must be playtime.

Ignore your SIL

SIL sounds like a PITA who's lost all her common sense with having the baby!!

Babies are all different. Mine needed to grizzle for 2-3 mins alone without stimulation to fall asleep. Rocking him took 30-45min of hysterics while he fought sleep and wanted to stay up with us/me. I learned which we all preferred and u stand by it.

I personally don't agree with the CIO method but it doesn't sound like that's what you are doing. I think it's really important that you feel confident in your role as DS's Mum. Nobody knows him like you do so feel assured that you will make the right choice for your family. I personally hate it when people feel it's ok to offer unsolicited comments on other people's parenting by saying it's cruel/spoiling them. Your baby, your way. Sounds to me like you're really in tune with your baby's needs.

But she wasn't having it

It's none of her business though, OP. You're getting your baby off to sleep the way that works for him, and that's all that matters.

Does she have DC of her own?

Ignore your SIL, she clearly doesn't understand your child's requirements. My DD hates being swaddled & loves being rocked to sleep, doesn't make me right it just makes my child different to yours.

My baby will not go to sleep unless she's left alone in the cot. She won't be cuddled or rocked or patted. Picking her up makes her not go to sleep then she's overtired and miserable. When she first started going in the cot for naps she would whinge for about a minute then go to sleep. If she started crying then she'd usually lost her dummy which I would put back in. Now more often than not I'll put her down and she will turn over and go to sleep. If I'd picked her until every time she whinged I'd have a non sleeping nightmare of an overtired baby which is a lot worse than a well rested baby that may whinge for a little while. Ignore her, you know what's best for your baby.

She hasn't got a clue! You do what works for you. By no stretch of the imagination is that "crying it out"!! How many children does she have, may I ask?!

My DS was exactly the same! (Now 6mo) you know your baby best and SIL should wind her neck in!

It's perfectly safe to swaddle (as long as it's not too tight) and he is learning to self settle. Very different from CIO.

You are doing fine. God! Why is everyone so vocal and judgemental of new mums?!

Yes she has one DC aged 2.

Probably hit a nerve as her DC is always getting compared to my DS by my PIL - she was a very happy baby, never cried, slept through etc etc. DS is actually quite content but he's sensitive - he gets overwhelmed and upset by lots of new people and doesn't always want to be held and I think my ILs take it personally.

That isn't crying it out because you're there with him and soothing him, just not picking him up

You've obviously found the best way for your baby and you should stick with it and listen to him not to interfering SIL.

"My baby will not go to sleep unless she's left alone in the cot. She won't be cuddled or rocked or patted. Picking her up makes her not go to sleep then she's overtired and miserable"

My DGD is exactly the same. My DD did exactly the same as you OP . Now at seven months when you take my GD to her cot / pushchair at nap time she actually reaches out to it and her rabbit with a look of absolute pleasure on her face and is cuddled down and dropping off before you even get the gro bag zipped or straps on her buggy fastened. If she wakes during the night you can see /hear her on the monitor chatting to rabbit and then falling asleep again.
Don't listen to others , you are giving your daughter a life skill . To be able to self settle will be a god send for you and her . Well done .

Sorry your son not daughter. Apologies

I had twins so couldn't rock to sleep - even if I got the chance they hated it -

Ignore - she probably spend hours rocking the baby!!

op I had exactly the same thing in terms of having a slightly older nephew who was all sweetness and light, and loved being passed around and the centre of attention, self settled with no problems, slept through etc etc. While my DD was perpetually over stimulated, needed tremendous help in settling and wouldn't be held by anyone other than her parents and even then we had to wear muted colours or else.

Happily for me my family weren't knobs about it - they could tell it was just two very different babies that needed very different treatment to be happy.

Sleep is very VERY important for over stimulated babies, when you get together a routine that works you stick to it and you know it is the right thing for your baby. Having said that, they do change and sometimes you have to adapt to their new needs - but have confidence you are absolutely doing the right thing for your baby!