to think I am not letting my baby "cry it out"???

[dividedmansions]

Have a 12 week old who tends to get hysterical when overtired. I now put him down in his cot the minute he starts giving tired cues (or 1.5 hours since his last nap, whichever comes first) swaddled with dummy in dark room. This usually sends him off really quickly but he does sort of grizzle for a bit first. Whenever he makes a sound I go and stroke him to calm him but I don't pick him up. If he starts crying I stroke and talk to him but again don't pick him up unless he gets totally distraught - the reason being that he doesn't actually want picking up most of the time, it gets him more overwrought. But I am always there, responding to him.

Saw SIL this weekend and she witnessed me putting him down for his naps and said she thought it was cruel to do cry it out and I should be rocking him to sleep. I told her he won't be rocked to sleep unless he's literally demented with exhaustion (and I try not to let it get to that point!) and this is what works for him. But she wasn't having it.

I would happily hold him and rock him all day if that was what he wanted. But AIBU to think a) all babies are different and b) letting him grizzle a bit without picking him up is not the same as letting him cry it out???

You are not letting him cry it out. You are doing what is working for your dc.
If I had tried to rock mine to sleep when he was overtired, I would made everything worse tbh.
You seem to be very clued on what your baby needs tbh.

And I can't see an issue with swaddling either!

Now your SIL would have been at how we were putting dc2 to sleep when he was really overtired. The only things that worked was going for a car ride....

My dd is totally like this, my big secret despite being on attachment parent groups!

I think being a good parent is more important understanding what your child's needs and preferences are. So good for you and ignore anyone that tells you otherwise (there will be more sadly).
We wouldn't force an adult to be hugged against their will do why a baby?
Ps shh but I also swaddled - it was a life saver!

A) you're not doing cry it out.
B) I swaddled. Babies have been swaddled for thousands of years quite happily. As long as your not essentially straitjacket/mummifying wrapping them it's fine.
C) it's none of her business, tell her to fuck off

I have a zippy swaddle so he can still move his legs quite freely. His arms are the problem.

Glad others are of the same opinion as me. I had already been feeling crap after MIL commented what an unhappy baby he was because he cried when she held him and also that I was mean for putting him down for a nap while they were visiting.

DP told her to shut up basically but with that and now this from SIL I feel totally judged by his side of the family.

Don't fret OP. Aside from the swaddling (she hates being wrapped up!) my 11 week old DD is the same! She won't be held or rocked to asleep unless she's beyond it all and usually settles in her moses basket during the day with me sitting beside her talking and singing to her. If she grizzles I pop over to settle her again and she's away. Don't beat your self up, you're certainly not letting him 'cry out' - you're just doing what's best for him. You know him better than anyone else :)

If what your doing works for him (You'd know if it didnt) then she can piss off.

You seem like you've got his needs firmly in hand so keep doing what you're doing.

YANBU, you actually sound very tuned in to your baby, and seem to have a balanced view on things.
They sound bonkers. You know its bad when your DH tells his own family to shut up!

Your DS sounds like my DT1, she needed a little grizzle at the end of the day before dropping off to sleep and if you picked her up, she got over stimulated and refused to sleep. DT2 on the other hand needed to be rocked to sleep or she would get stressed and not sleep at all.

So I was accused of "mollycoddling" DT2 and favouritism simply by doing what my babies needed. Just ignore your SIL, some people are incapable of believing that any baby is different to theirs.

I treated my twins very differently as they clearly had different sleep needs right from day one.

Both had to "cry it out" (what a daft expression that is!) sometimes as I couldn't always be dealing with both at once.

They are nearly grown up now, and we were talking about one of them being left to cry recently. "Oh, am I supposed to be, like, damaged by that or something?" was her puzzled reply. A friend with triplets had to let hers "cry it out": you cannot effectively rock three babies to sleep. They are all well-adjusted young men now.

Ignore your SIL and do what works for you and your DS.

When I fed one twin the other would cry and I'd start taking to them - they so learnt not to cry and wait their turn - as I couldn't stop one feeding to see to the other - same with anything really! Swaddled into the cot - went to sleep -

I can't see anything at all wrong with what you're doing to get him to sleep. In fact, picking him up to rock him is likely to be more disruptive.

However, putting him down automatically when he's been awake 1.5 hours sounds too much for me. At 12 weeks I would expect him to be awake for longer periods, and forcing so much sleep during the day is liable to build up trouble at night time. Why not just wait till he's showing signs of tiredness?

augusta if he's up longer than 1.5 hours I get hysterical overtired screaming, that's why.

If I put him down for a nap and he's still wide awake and fussing after 15 mins I pick him up and try again later.

Sometimes when he shows tired signs he's already overtired.

He needs 4-5 hours of day time sleep and that's what he gets. Some of his naps are only short. And he goes down for the night at 7pm (he chooses that not me).

The desire to put labels on things is one of the most unhelpful elements of modern parenting. Your system sounds sensible and works for you and your baby. Happy days.

What your SIL calls it couldn't be less relevant. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself.

My baby will not go to sleep unless she's left alone in the cot. She won't be cuddled or rocked or patted. Picking her up makes her not go to sleep then she's overtired and miserable

My friend has a baby like this. Mines the absolute opposite - wants to be stuck to me all the time.
The conversation we had was 'wow, they're all so different aren't they? All got their own personality from birth.." Not 'you're neglecting him"/"you're spoiling him."

You know your baby. Being a parent means being given bucketloads of often crap advice. Smile, nod, ignore 99.7% of it.

OP my DC3 is 17 weeks and still gets tired after an hour and a quarter in the mornings.

Continue to do what works for your baby, it sounds as though you are very well tuned into his needs.

Maybe cut back on time spent with the ILs for a couple of months? When you do see them just nod and smile and continue to do your own thing.

X post on the smiling and nodding skipton

YANBU and I'd have told your SIL to fuck right off. Well, probably not quite in those words!

Smiling and nodding and then doing exactly what you were going to anyway is the way to go!

They are all different. You do what works for you.

That's not letting him cry it out

that's tending to what he needs you know him best
it helps him to be reassured by your voice smell touch seeing you and that is what you give him don't doubt yourself and don't let others sil do it I read quite a few baby books looking at this and it seems sensible way of soothing with out over stimulating but thats my opinion

'Cruel'? What, as opposed to not feeding him, hurting him, ignoring him etc?

Your SIL sounds like a simpering idiot. Cruel my arse.

Sounds like you're doing great to me, op!

I vaguely recall doing similar with ds (it was 5 years ago though!) He's a very secure little boy who sleeps absolutely brilliantly for 12 hours at night. Your sil sounds barmy, what you're doing is not CIO but encouraging good sleep habits.

1.5 hours wake time is normal at that age. I'd ignore your SIL, sounds like you are doing a great job and you dont want to get stuck rocking your baby for hours every night if he's happy enough to settle without it!