AIBU to not take DS to see IL's family?

[Mishmashpotatoes]

This is my first post so bear with me

MIL is a nice enough woman although she lives her life social media, acts like a 20 year old, going out drinking every weekend etc.

She showed no interest during pregnancy, she only took an interest after he was born, took plenty of photos and posted to Facebook and got plenty of 'likes', fine with me. She comes up every other day for the first 2 odd weeks and as soon as her likes start dying down, she stops visiting. She lives 2 hours away on the bus, we don't drive she does, the drive would take 30 minutes. She also works near us and hasn't bothered to pop in.

So now a member of MIL family is back from working abroad for a few weeks, and they want us to take DS to theirs so that family member can meet DS.

DS was born is 5 months old and MIL hasn't bothered to see him in over 2 months, has barely even messaged DP, so now probably wants to take some lovely reunion photos for Facebook. If she can't be arsed to see her GS any other time why should I travel that far just so she can play doting grandmother?

AIBU to make an excuse and say we're really busy over the next few weeks and it might not be possible?

I wouldn't be thrilled either about my baby being used as a cute photo accessory and guest entertainment if there's no interest in having an actual relationship with him, particularly when I've been asked to travel all that way with a young baby to enable it! Agree with a PP, say it's too hard a journey with the baby but you'd love to see them if they want to drop in for coffee.

Thanks for all the advice people!

Will extend an invite over here. :)

good luck with your test best thing i ever did

but people do expect people who drive to do all the leg work with no offer of pay or help

im not syaing u should drag two kids on a bus for four hours but if shes having problems u dont know about maybe offer petrol or something

Thank you!

They're definitely not struggling financially although I do see how that could have been an issue

I think you need to just accept that your MIL isn't as interested in your baby as you think she should be, that doesn't mean she's a bad person. You're keeping score and holding a grudge against her for not living up to your (probably unexpressed) expectations. Why don't you actually say to her directly that you're disappointed in what feels like her lack of interest.

I'm not holding a grudge, I just don't see why I should make the effort to travel 2 hours on a bus yet again when she hasn't bothered to see DS in months.

MIL can't talk about anything remotely serious, any time we have tried she instantly changes the subject.

Have the meet up, preferably have ds passed to them at a grumpy time and when they moan. Point out hes like that with strangers they'll have to pop over more often. Or passive aggressive talking to baby saying you love seeing your granny don't you. (this is what I am currently attempting to get gp interested....)

Oh and yanbu to not want to and four hours on a bus, that'd be hell without children

Then ask her to come pick you up? If she say's no then it's okay to say it's too much trouble/expensive for you to go to hers. I thought this was a visit to meet another family member who lives abroad?

She is wanting us to go to her house to see the family member who isn't even staying there. She doesn't live abroad, just works abroad for months at a time.

MIL picked us up once and wouldn't take us home until ridiculously late when DD had school next day, kept asking her and she said we'll head off in 10 minutes until I eventually said Ill just get the bus it's getting late and DD has school.

And if she is willing to pick us up she's capable of coming into the house IMO

That's a brilliant idea Blueturtle! I'll try that.

It's DS I feel for, I had NC with my GP and don't want the same for him.

Yanbu OP and I have no idea why you are receiving so much hostility. You are absolutely right to feel hurt that your MIL has no interest in your ds! I can only imagine how hurt your dh is over his Mother's lack of interest!

Having had to travel by bus with a baby of a similar age I would not be prepared to put us through that to be a selfie prop for narcissistic relatives. My ds spectacularly vomited all over me and himself thanks to a hot day, bumpy roads and country lanes.

Your MIL, if she really cared about your family would not want to put her son and grandchildren through that kind of hell. I would ask about this on the relationship board. We are nc with dh' emotionally abusive family, he was trying to retain contact on his own but soon realised that it was one sided. He decided to see what would happen if he stopped phoning/ emailing/ doing all the running, it has now been well over a year since he had contact asthey haven't tried to contact him.

Good luck with the driving test. Do you have a car?

I never mentioned it before but MIL can be emotionally abusive towards DP if she doesn't get her own way! Didn't want that to impact on peoples opinions though as didn't think it was relevant to current situation, they pick on DP's Dsis who still lives at home until she goes into her room crying and then they laugh at her. Which distresses DD.

We do get on okay though, I'm a very civil person but I feel now is the time to put my foot down. Surely it can't be fair on DS for her to be coming in and out of his life everyone few months just for a photo opp?

It's just a new territory for me as I did and still do get along with exMIL like a house on fire so have never encountered these problems.

Not yet DailyMailYobos, will need to save up and buy one if I pass!

Why would you want to subject your DC to someone who is abusive? The treatment you've described is awful. What if they start on your child?

Me and DP have had quite a few disagreements on that one, he doesn't think it's that bad and considers it a joke, he grew up with it so doesn't see the wrong in it. I have said if they ever start on DC we will go NC.

I don't want to come out of this as the bad guy or bitchy DIL, I want to avoid NC as I grew up without GP I felt like I was missing out.

The best thing you can do if you have a toxic/ emotionally abusive MIL, is to be reassuring and supportive of your husband. We are nc and my dh has gone through three lots of counselling, I have finally taken my husband from the self hating, shell of a man, who was suicidal (thanks to constant emotional abuse), back to the confident, loving, happy man he finally is now.

Mil messed with my babies head too, to the point he was petrified of her and developed a phobia of older people. We are so glad that we are nc now my dh has said that he is not prepared to open Pandora box again.

I recommend the stately homes thread in the relationships part of the forum xx

mishmash - you do sound like you have your head in the right place when it comes to MIL. Having no contact with GPs can be upsetting, but not as upsetting as having contact with toxic GPs who fuck your head up, so I'm pleased to read that you would go NC if they ever start on your DC.

I've said this before - but I have a friend whose mum was NC with her own father. Friend missed out on having this GF in her life, so begged mum to get back in touch. Mum did so; and it didn't take long before friend was regretting it! But she was in her teens when that all happened.

Wow Mummyto2monkeys, that's horrid and it's such a shame that it's took so much work to undo what she caused. It's best not to unravel it all again and I hope your DS feels better!

Thanks ThumbWitchesAbroad, once they get to a certain age all you can do is let them find out for themselves sadly