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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not take DS to see IL's family?

70 replies

Mishmashpotatoes · 06/06/2016 09:14

This is my first post so bear with me

MIL is a nice enough woman although she lives her life social media, acts like a 20 year old, going out drinking every weekend etc.

She showed no interest during pregnancy, she only took an interest after he was born, took plenty of photos and posted to Facebook and got plenty of 'likes', fine with me. She comes up every other day for the first 2 odd weeks and as soon as her likes start dying down, she stops visiting. She lives 2 hours away on the bus, we don't drive she does, the drive would take 30 minutes. She also works near us and hasn't bothered to pop in.

So now a member of MIL family is back from working abroad for a few weeks, and they want us to take DS to theirs so that family member can meet DS.

DS was born is 5 months old and MIL hasn't bothered to see him in over 2 months, has barely even messaged DP, so now probably wants to take some lovely reunion photos for Facebook. If she can't be arsed to see her GS any other time why should I travel that far just so she can play doting grandmother?

AIBU to make an excuse and say we're really busy over the next few weeks and it might not be possible?

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 06/06/2016 10:14

You don't seem to like her very much, she may have picked up on this You'd surely have to wonder about the chiocken and the egg??!!??

MrsJoeyMaynard · 06/06/2016 10:18

I think in this situation I'd be inclined to invite MIL and family member over to your house to meet DS on the grounds that you visiting her would involve you spending 4 hours on the bus.

randomer · 06/06/2016 10:23

keep things ticking over. Tell her bus rides are hard going with a little one and meet up in a cafe or pub.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 06/06/2016 10:23

Hmm the "don't drive" thing can mean an expectation that others will do all the leg work (and pay for all the petrol) so it would be fair for you to sometimes go to her regardless of whether you drive or not.

However your DC is only 5 months old, and the bus journey you describe would be pants with a 5 month old, who is still likely to do an explosive nappy and need changing, plus it might be hard to feed him on the bus, he's probably too old now to sleep the whole time even with the movement of the vehicle so will get grizzly... and carrying all the stuff you do need out of the house with a 5 month old (nappies, wipes, water for you if breast feeding or bottles and carton milk for him if not, change of clothes - maybe for both of you if he's prone to sicking on you...etc. etc.)

Weighing it up would not do that bus journey "on demand" given the circumstances - especially if she works near you and could pop in without having to put herself out but hasn't bothered.

The give and take doesn't sound very equal, especially if you are right that she wants her grandchild brought over as a photo shoot prop, rather than genuinely to introduce him.

Definitely invite her and the visiting relative over instead, explaining that just at the moment the bus journey is too much with him the age he is, but that when he is older (toddlers often like bus journeys, especially if you can break the journey for lunch somewhere) of course you will visit (or maybe you or your DH will be driving by then, if the non driving is for financial rather than long term health reasons).

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2016 10:29

I'm not sure what she does on a weekend night has anything to do with her being a grandmother? Confused

Also, I'm not sure why you'd expect anyone to invite a 5 month old baby to the beach?

But other than that, I'd just tell her that if she wants the family member to meet the baby, she needs to come and visit with them.

It's not fair to expect you to take the bus.

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/06/2016 10:32

4hours in a bus with a 5month old sounds like hell,

MrsJayy · 06/06/2016 10:34

She works and has a social life how very dare she maybe there is a reason she stopped popping in do you ask her to drop in anymore ? As for the relative say they are very welcome to visit you i wouldnt go 4 hpurs round trip on a bus with a baby either

Original poster
Mishmashpotatoes · 06/06/2016 10:35

I do like MIL, we get on quite well, i just don't like her lack of interest in my DS.

Have invited her over plenty of times but she's too busy. Basically shes not interested unless we go to her. DP offered to meet her at a beachy location half way once and she said no.

When we've been at theirs they don't pay him much attention unless they're taking photos, they just pass him around taking selfies Confused once they're done he gets put in his bouncer or passed back to me for the rest of the night.

I actually have my driving test on Monday fingers crossed so that will make things easier if i pass.

DP isn't too fussed and i don't think said family member is either, like i said hasnt contacted DP since baby was born

OP posts:
Osirus · 06/06/2016 10:35

It is quite a long bus ride for a baby - could you take a taxi one way at all and ask her to bring you home?

Original poster
Mishmashpotatoes · 06/06/2016 10:36

Me mentiong her activities has nothing to do with her lifetsyle btw! Just pointing out that she does infact have spare time, she just never chooses to spend it with DS

OP posts:
Jessbow · 06/06/2016 10:36

being a grandma doesn't come with instructions. If you want her involved in your childs life, surely its up to you to make the effort, be that make the journey or issue regular invites for her to visit, whichever suits you best.

My M in law has one grandchild ( not our child) who didn't fit the mould of what childs parent thought she should. They lived 5 mins drive from her, To get to them she had to get two busses ( Think into town and out again) whereas they could drive easily between the two.

My point is, they are now completely estranged- her only grandchild. The child is now 18. Who has suffered? only the boy

Original poster
Mishmashpotatoes · 06/06/2016 10:37

Taxi is £30!

OP posts:
Osirus · 06/06/2016 10:37

I don't have a driving licence and I make my own way to places as much as possible. If it is difficult, I offer money for their time and to cover any fuel costs (or treat them to something when we are out - not their fault I don't have a licence yet!).

MrsJayy · 06/06/2016 10:38

Ah ok she doesnt sound that interested in him which is a shame but hold firm witn the relative say they are welcome at yours and leave it at that

PalmerViolet · 06/06/2016 10:38

Do people really behave like that? How odd.

BTW, I'm a grandmother, I also went to the beach yesterday and the day before without my DGD, I'll probably go again this evening does this make me a shitty Granny too?

Osirus · 06/06/2016 10:39

I know taxis are expensive but the odd taxi ride is cheaper than running a car long term with tax, insurance, maintenance etc. I understand where you are coming from though - if she wants you to do this so badly she should come and get you!

MrsJayy · 06/06/2016 10:45

What involvement do you want from her? My mum and mil were working fulltime when mine were babies i had to go see them on days off mum worked shifts so she wasnt around and tbh on a day off i wouldnt have expected her to take a baby out for the day especially at 5 months

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/06/2016 10:47

I'd go with the "Oh of course we'll bring him to you, IF you can come and pick us all up and then take us home again after, as a return journey in the car is still half the duration of our journey by bus - or alternatively you can just all come to ours, save you half the trip as you'll only be doing here and back once instead of twice :)"

That'll sort out how much she wants the relative to see your baby.

MrsJayy · 06/06/2016 10:51

Just remembered we didnt have a car till dd was 1 we did go 90 minutes each way on 2 buses to see mil every other sunday but she came during the week to us so was give and take i suppose so didnt feel an effort

Inertia · 06/06/2016 10:51

I'd explain that your baby is too young for the bus journey, but if she'd like to drive relative over to you then you'd be happy to pay for her petrol.

seven201 · 06/06/2016 10:53

I think you should say it's too long on the bus so either she picks you all up and drops you back again or they pop in for a cup of tea instead. You don't want to spend 4 hrs on buses in one day.

diddl · 06/06/2016 10:54

"DP isn't too fussed and i don't think said family member is either, like i said hasnt contacted DP since baby was born"

Yeah, it's really up to you, your partner & the family member to meet if you want to.

If it would be easiest to meet at Mil's then her offering that would be nice, but if not then it's not really her concern.

Original poster
Mishmashpotatoes · 06/06/2016 10:54

She is wanting us to go to her house and family member will be there.

DP thinks it's just the way their family is as they only see FIL mum at christmas for a few hours.

Im not saying she's a terrible gran for going to the beach without her GS. Im saying that she does infact have time to see her GS.

I'll just do what some have said and tell them it's too much to take a baby on sych a long bus journey, also have a 5yo DD from a previous relationship who gets restless travelling so that makes it harder.

Its worth noting that we did go there quite a few times and then we noticed it was one sided so stopped going and invited them and they weren't interested.

OP posts:
Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 06/06/2016 10:57

Good luck with your driving test!

I wouldn't do that bus journey with a 5 month old in the circumstances you describe, but also find it very unreasonable to generally expect the person with the car to always do all of the travel and the paying for that travel, given you don't have a health condition that prevents you driving.

One way or the other longer term it is fair for you to do some (not all, but some) of the running if you want your son to have a relationship with your DH's side of the family, whether in your own car or taking the hit for a taxi one way and making the bus journey an adventure when he is an older toddler and beyond.

Sounds as if you do go there sometimes, and in this case YANBU.

yorkshapudding · 06/06/2016 11:03

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to take a 5 month old and a 5 year old on a four hour bus journey. You could invite MIL and the family member over to your house or offer to meet them for lunch somewhere halfway. I think your DP needs to be the one having that conversation with MIL though.

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