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Original poster

To feel odd after a friends lie

59 replies

callherwillow · 05/06/2016 21:58

I've just discovered this weekend that a friend has lied for years about something that isn't important to me, but is important in the context of her life.

I don't exactly feel betrayed as I understand why she lied, and it was a lie going back years but it's shaped how I look at her now. It's a bit like finding out something from your past and applying it to memories and looking at them in a new context.

I don't know why I feel so strange about it; it's not my business.

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/06/2016 23:07

So she was groomed and he would now be classified as a sex offender. Sad

MammaTJ · 05/06/2016 23:08

Oh dear, that might be worthy of a vulnerable adult report to SS.

Tell them all you know and they may well investigate and try to protect her.

They should anyway!

Unpropergrammer · 05/06/2016 23:09

Thats so sad op.

I feel like in cases like this it's often the one whose taken advantage of who carries the biggest burden.

A girl I went to school with is now in a relationship and living with a man who used to coach her in football when she was 12+. She's now isolated from everyone she knew because of it.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/06/2016 23:09

My friend is married to a man 30 years her senior whom she met as a schoolgirl. It's odd and she gets a lot of flak for it, though they've been together for 25 years. She hides it from people she doesn't know well.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 05/06/2016 23:09

I guess it depends if she was 13 & he was 29 or if she was 17 & he was 23.

nicenewdusters · 05/06/2016 23:10

Does she know that you now know ? If not, are you going to speak to her about it ? I can see why you feel so affected by it, it's deeply troubling.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 05/06/2016 23:10

How did you find out it was different to what you'd been told & how does she feel about it?

Was he in a position of trust (family/teacher/coach etc)?

Unpropergrammer · 05/06/2016 23:11

Extra I disagree there. I personally believe that 17 and 23 is a very uncomfortable age difference. There's a distinct power imbalance in relationships like that.

That being said I am really strong minded when it comes to teenage girls and the relationships they get pulled into.

Original poster
callherwillow · 05/06/2016 23:11

Thank you for understanding how I feel Flowers

She would have been 15, I think, and I'm not totally sure how old he would have been, but definitely no younger than 23.

OP posts:
meowli · 05/06/2016 23:11

In fact, she was still at school and he was in his twenties.

She could have been 16,17 or 18 and still at school. Was he a teacher?

EverySongbirdSays · 05/06/2016 23:13

But she's an adult NOW

and knows it looks seedy as fuck.

Complicated. It's consensual now, but she was underage then. Her parents must know?

I'd leave it OP, as why she's done it is understandable. It doesn't make the origins of their relationship less gross though.

It's like Jeremy Forrest and that girl isn't it?

BooAvenue · 05/06/2016 23:13

So let me get this straight, your friend was potentially groomed at 15 by a 23 year old which you knew nothing about and you're pissed off because she said they met as adults?

Original poster
callherwillow · 05/06/2016 23:13

I don't think her parents did know, she was/is very vulnerable, unstable home life.

OP posts:
Original poster
callherwillow · 05/06/2016 23:14

I'm not pissed off at all, I just feel a bit odd because I've known her a long, long time and it puts a rather different angle on things.

OP posts:
ChitChatarunga · 05/06/2016 23:16

That puts a different spin on things.
Either she knows it's still a dysfunctional relationship that came out of her being groomed or it's somehow become an equal healthy relationship but nobody would believe that if they knew when they met......... so, either way, not good.

Why do you feel cold OP? I'd feel quite upset if I discovered that. Upset that she'd felt the need to re-write her own life like that, to avoid judgement or to avoid looking in to the reflection of other people's pity and concern and .... upset, on her behalf.

That really is quite a sad thing to discover about your friend. I'd be more concerned than 'cold'

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 05/06/2016 23:17

unpropergrammer. We all have our own POV.💐 My first serious relationship I was 16 & he was 21. My parents went spare. We actually had a great relationship & he was far more 'decent' than boys my age. Totally understanding about waiting until I was ready, no pressure. No grooming, sexualising, nothing bad.

EverySongbirdSays · 05/06/2016 23:18

If you aren't comfortable leaving it I'd really be having this out with her not us OP.

Does she feel she was abused/manipulated?

Why did she lie?

Is she happy/OK?

Original poster
callherwillow · 05/06/2016 23:18

I mean cold as in, I feel a bit worried for/about her. I agree it is sad.

They must have rewritten history together as their original 'how we met' story was identical.

OP posts:
BooAvenue · 05/06/2016 23:18

Yeah to be brutally honest if I found that out about one of my friends I'd feel a lot of things; shocked, upset, concerned, but cold isn't one of them.

Can you really not understand why she's lied about this?

Original poster
callherwillow · 05/06/2016 23:20

Of course I understand, but I mean 'cold' as in when you feel a bit shocked and a bit strange. It puts a different context on things. I'm sorry if people feel I'm being unkind - I'm really not like that, it's just very hard to explain :)

OP posts:
ChitChatarunga · 05/06/2016 23:21

What's he like? her partner? is it possible that their relationship somehow evolved in to an equal one. I doubt that as I type it. :-/

Birdsgottafly · 05/06/2016 23:21

You probably "feel funny" now, because it would be very much frowned upon and both parties would try to be persuaded to leave each other alone.

I personally think it depends on how long they've been together and what you know of their relationship, tbh.

I was only 16, when I first met my DH, times were different in the 80's and we were very happily married. I got the same judgement levelled at me that my Mother (or Grandmother) had, when they married non UK men.

Original poster
callherwillow · 05/06/2016 23:25

Birds, I wouldn't dream of speculating on your relationship and I am of course sorry for your loss. Flowers

I feel cold as I have a horrible feeling he targeted her deliberately. In other words, he didn't fall in love with a young women who happened to be a vulnerable 15 year old; I think he fell in love with her because she was a vulnerable 15 year old, which is that shift in perspective I'm talking about, when things click and things that seemed harmless aren't.

Of course, I could be very, very wrong and I hope I am.

OP posts:
Unpropergrammer · 05/06/2016 23:26

Op, it sounds like you've already had your doubts about their relationship and this has just confirmed some of the things you have already been mulling over.

Though I may be way off base...

LifeInJeneral · 05/06/2016 23:27

Hmm I felt cold at the beginning of this post as well OP but then as ages got discussed it occurred to me that when I was 17 I was dating a 28 year old (met through my dad, his friends son but also my dad's landlord at the time so a bit of an odd one!). It never felt at all like an abusive, grooming type relationship we just met on a joint family holiday and we're attracted to each other. I know that there was a couple of years age difference between me and this girl but there isn't much in it. Girls tend to be more mature than boys at that age and consequently are more attracted to slightly older men. I don't think it was right to say a girl still at school in the case of your friend but he was still a young guy himself. They are still together and if they are happy then perhaps it's one of those situations where age is really just a number