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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH's constant forgetfulness

40 replies

jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 18:31

DH is a great father to our 1 year old DS and generally a nice person. He has the worst memory though.He ,constantly forgets to do important things and hates it when I remind him. Today he left the switch on in the morning after using the iron. I noticed it when I got back from work in the evening. Other times he has left coins and nuts behind on the sofa where DS can easily grab them and put them in his mouth. His forgetfulness is a running joke in the family but i seriously want to do kick him ninja style when he pulls off things like this especially when it can harm DS. On a vacation last week he forgot to strap DS on his pram and he almost fell off.i was furious but don't see any effort on his part to be more thoughtful. I'm fed up of constantly double checking after him. I have brought this up several times but to no result.AIBU to expect him to be more careful of his actions.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 18:32

Is he this forgetful at work or in other aspects of life besides at home?

PPie10 · 03/06/2016 18:36

Yanbu his forgetfulness won't be funny when your DS comes into harm. He needs to be more aware and less neglectful with your DS. I wouldn't find this funny tbh.

KatieKaboom · 03/06/2016 18:37

I couldn't tolerate that. I'm a total scatterbrain and even I managed not to put my baby in mortal danger through laziness.

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 18:38

I don't know work wise but he has a reputation for this with friends,.He has forgotten passports,landed up at wrong airports etc.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 18:40

'He has the worst memory though.He ,constantly forgets to do important things and hates it when I remind him. '

This is unacceptable when it comes to things that can bring your child to harm. Or burn down your house.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 18:42

'He has forgotten passports,landed up at wrong airports etc.'

And he's never seen a doctor? That's very worrying. How on Earth have people found this funny?

KatieKaboom · 03/06/2016 18:42

I've done both those things. Blush

But I still triple-check the important stuff- irons and baby buckles and goddamn nuts!

ArgyMargy · 03/06/2016 18:43

Yeah but you knew this before now. What's changed so that it makes you cross when it didn't before?

mamas12 · 03/06/2016 18:44

Okay does expect others to pick up on things he has forgotten?
Can you 'forget' something important that will impact on him alone where he has to face the consequences and just deal with it
I dunno um forget to cook for him or forget to mot his car ?

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 18:46

Argymargy, there's a baby in the equation now that worries me.

OP posts:
80sMum · 03/06/2016 18:46

I sympathise OP. My DH is similarly forgetful, but in his case it has only become noticeable in the last 5 years or so (he's 60). He leaves the gas on, leaves taps running, cupboards open, doors and windows open etc. It's maddening.

Your DH is presumably much younger than mine though. It sounds as though he may have a problem with 'working memory' or maybe Attention Deficit Disorder. Is he generally a disorganised, chaotic sort of person?

oldestmumaintheworld · 03/06/2016 18:48

People forget things because

  1. they can't be bothered to remember (ie they are lazy)
  2. they don't want to remember (ie its unpleasant and they need to forget)
  3. they think it is someone else's problem ( because they are selfish)
  4. they think it is beneath them to remember (because they are arrogant)
or they have brain damage.

Only you can decide which category your husband falls into, but I think its fair to say that whichever it is, he is not a nice person and he isn't a good father. Good people take the trouble to remember things and so do good fathers. You may want to remind him of this.

Tumtitum · 03/06/2016 18:49

Sounds like my DH!! In his own la la land most of the time... Wish I had the answer! Meditation helped for a while but he found it difficult to keep up his practice...

expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 18:51

I'd tell him he needs to see a doctor. He could have seriously injured your child and/or burned your house down (and possibly invalidate the insurance because he left the iron on). The fact that he gets the arse when being 'reminded' says a lot. I'd be mortified if I 'forgot' things like this and put my child and home in danger and would be on the line to the GP asap to find out what the hell was wrong with me.

80sMum · 03/06/2016 18:59

okdestmum that's a bit harsh! People often forget things because their mind is just too 'busy' and full of other things, thinking about the next thing etc. Forgetfulness can be a sign of stress or depression or of specific learning difficulties.

80sMum · 03/06/2016 19:00

Sorry, typo. *oldestmum

PopGoesTheWeaz · 03/06/2016 19:04

That's simply not true rather harsh and over simplistic oldestmum.

My husband is rather forgetful too and does things like leaves the oven on or forgets to leave the office in time when I'm due to go out. I think for him it's a combination of ADHD and stress (he's worse when things are bad at work which is a lot of the time unfortunately) and anything that is out of his normal routine just doesn't come naturally. He can really only keep one thing in his mind at a time, so he wouldn't go to the wrong airport because thats the main thing he needs to do and would be focusing on that. But if I asked him to pick up a toothbrush on the way, he would most likely forget. We have a series of coping mechanisms like setting reminders on his phone.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 03/06/2016 19:06

crosspost 80smum.

FWIW, my DH did see a doctor who said there was nothing wrong. And this was when we were in the US where they are diagnosis happy.

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 19:14

Thank you for your replies. It might be stress as he works in a high pressure job and we don't have family close by so are fully responsible for DS' care. But his father was exactly the same it seems so maybe be genetic. Hate to think of DS might turn out to be like his dadConfused

OP posts:
Discobabe · 03/06/2016 19:16

Yanbu. Mine forgets all manner of things, fortunately nothing too serious but he's horrendously disorganised and it drives me up the wall. He's currently waiting to see if he can be assessed for adhd!

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 19:17

Oldestmum,he is not a bad father,he is the one who wakes up in the middle of the night to settle DS. He is fully involved in his upbringing but needs to get his arse kicked a bit to remind him of things that matter at this stage

OP posts:
Original poster
jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 19:18

Diaconate, that's interesting. I did not know adults can be tested as well.I should read up more about it to see if it applies to DH

OP posts:
Original poster
jellymum1704 · 03/06/2016 19:19

I meant discobabe,stupid autocorrect

OP posts:
Zaurak · 03/06/2016 19:24

Then you need to investigate tools for reminding him. A lot of this is habit and the rest can be learned. There are apps, books on forming new habits etc. He needs to train his 'remembering' mental muscles.

How much, if any do you think is strategic incompetence?

honeyroar · 03/06/2016 19:29

I have a few other reasons I seem to forget things. Oldermum forgot to put them on her list!

I forget when I'm tired (I do shifts and nights out of bed), I guess a new baby could cause that too?
I forget when I'm jet lagged.
I forget when I'm worrying about something or even am excited. It might not even be something in the immediate future, but it can take over my memory.

I survive with lists and more lists.