I’ll try and make this as brief as possible while still covering all the details. Regular poster but have name changed for this (for obvious reasons). In case there’s any doubt, if this wedding goes ahead I think TidyDancer should decorate, lemon drizzle bitch makes her famous cake, we all travel to Maui for it, cancel the cheques and give a penis beaker as a gift instead, hoping there’s no fake dead cats on a wall nearby. Perfectly willing to be told IABU, in fact I’d welcome it!
I used to be very good friends with a woman “A” for about 10 years (since we were late teens). She was a bit spoilt for want of a better word, but not a brat or horrible. She never worked, parents supported her lavish lifestyle. She has never really had any responsibility or had anything not go her way/handed to her. I say this as I feel it may be relevant. I was in no way bothered by this through our friendship, she was a good person, we had a laugh and that’s all that mattered to me. We now no longer speak as a result of how she has treated “B”.
She met “B” in Oct 13. They saw each other a bit (lived approx. 200m away) in my city (pretty much the middle between their homes). Now, she had a tendency to be a bit dramatic at times. So they were very on and off. She would declare it was over if he didn’t reply to a text in time, go out, have a ONS, and then the next morning say it was back on as he apologised for upsetting her. Wouldn’t tell him about what happened as “we were broken up then”. Not how I’d do things but, not my life, not my issue.
They broke up for good in early Feb. Forever, done, I hate him, I deserve better, the works. I have messages with the dates confirming this relevant. Throws herself into going out, having fun, usual post break up stuff. I go out with her a lot and try to make her feel better about the whole thing.
Mid April on one such night out, I am sent away after I come back from having a cigarette as “I’m going back with “C” now to my hotel”. Well….ok then, even though I was supposed to be staying there. I ask her to let me know when she’s back and how she is in the morning. Next morning, I get a text “reviewing” Cs performance in great detail also relevant
End of May I receive a picture message from her of a positive pregnancy test. That says “4-6 weeks”. So we talk, I ask what she wants to do, how she is and generally try and be supportive as this is obviously a shock. She wonders how she will tell “B”. Being –slow- naive I thought this was an “in case he finds out from someone else and is hurt way” (yeah I don’t know why that was my first thought…..). He is out of the country in a place with patchy phone coverage. I suggest that maybe she should wait until he’s back to tell him, as face to face would be a lot better than a text. I say that he won’t be able to do anything from there and it would come across a lot better if she spoke to him in person. He’s due back in 3 days.
Next day I get a call from her wondering why Bs friends are being soooooo mean to her. He has apparently gone on a bender in other country after speaking to her, and they were messaging her asking what she did. I ask what she said that would cause that. “I did what you suggested, I didn’t tell him. I said I needed to speak to him about something serious when he was back and I was sick every morning. I didn’t tell him, he worked it out!!!”. Right. I ask her if he thought he was the Father or did she at least make it clear that he wasn’t. I was glared at and told of course he was the Father as there was no other possibility, she hadn’t been with another man since she met him in Oct :S :S :S
No reasoning will work, but I figure there’s no way she’ll get away with this as…well giving birth when the maths/timing is off will mean B will have to question this. They get back together and I back off. He is smitten and clearly worships her. I can’t stand to see this knowing everything he’s dreaming off will come shattering down in a few months. He really is a lovely, sweet guy without a bad bone in his body. He’d do anything for her. So I’m a coward, I keep my mouth shut.
She tragically loses the baby. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I’m in contact with her throughout, offering any support I can. B takes it incredibly badly, even attempting suicide as he feels “guilty for not being with her from the beginning”. I still keep my mouth shut, as what good can saying anything do?
Given how this started I didn’t think they would last. I assumed it would run its course. She refused to tell him the truth (I only brought it up once after) as “well he isn’t going to figure it out now, so why ruin what we have?”. That’s when I stopped making contact with her. B proposed to her (for the third time) and she accepted in Dec 15. She only realised I hadn’t been making contact when she text me to ask if I would be bridesmaid. I didn’t reply within the hour so she took to social media (I know) complaining. I sent her a message saying I couldn’t stand up and support her in this as long as she hid what she did from “B” and that as horrible as it was at the time, basing a marriage on that big a lie just made a mockery of it (not my proudest moment). So I’ve been made out now to anyone who will listen as being a despicable, evil, jealous b!tch who is either suffering from a personality disorder or bitter as I was in love with A. I think this all started because when she realised I wouldn’t support her, she thought I’d show B the timeline through the messages/tell him to his face. I’ve just ignored all this and kept silent through this all.
I no longer miss our friendship, as I realised the person I thought I was friends with would never do anything so cruel. I have no intentions of getting in touch with anyone to show what she did. (thank you anyone who has made it this far!!!!)
If he doesn’t find out before the wedding, he could still work it out later? Or if he always knew it was a lie but went with it to be with A, could someone really keep up the pretence forever? I try and not think about it at all but every now and then I think “If it was my brother/friend who was marrying someone who did this to them, would I want them to know?”. I can’t say anything now but
AIBU to still feel awful for B? and AIBU to feel so guilty for not being braver when this started as it could have stopped it going so far. If anyone has any suggestions for how to get over this I’d really appreciate it.