For still feeling awful I didn’t say anything at the time?

[DailyMailKissMySlice]

I’ll try and make this as brief as possible while still covering all the details. Regular poster but have name changed for this (for obvious reasons). In case there’s any doubt, if this wedding goes ahead I think TidyDancer should decorate, lemon drizzle bitch makes her famous cake, we all travel to Maui for it, cancel the cheques and give a penis beaker as a gift instead, hoping there’s no fake dead cats on a wall nearby. Perfectly willing to be told IABU, in fact I’d welcome it!

I used to be very good friends with a woman “A” for about 10 years (since we were late teens). She was a bit spoilt for want of a better word, but not a brat or horrible. She never worked, parents supported her lavish lifestyle. She has never really had any responsibility or had anything not go her way/handed to her. I say this as I feel it may be relevant. I was in no way bothered by this through our friendship, she was a good person, we had a laugh and that’s all that mattered to me. We now no longer speak as a result of how she has treated “B”.

She met “B” in Oct 13. They saw each other a bit (lived approx. 200m away) in my city (pretty much the middle between their homes). Now, she had a tendency to be a bit dramatic at times. So they were very on and off. She would declare it was over if he didn’t reply to a text in time, go out, have a ONS, and then the next morning say it was back on as he apologised for upsetting her. Wouldn’t tell him about what happened as “we were broken up then”. Not how I’d do things but, not my life, not my issue.

They broke up for good in early Feb. Forever, done, I hate him, I deserve better, the works. I have messages with the dates confirming this relevant. Throws herself into going out, having fun, usual post break up stuff. I go out with her a lot and try to make her feel better about the whole thing.

Mid April on one such night out, I am sent away after I come back from having a cigarette as “I’m going back with “C” now to my hotel”. Well….ok then, even though I was supposed to be staying there. I ask her to let me know when she’s back and how she is in the morning. Next morning, I get a text “reviewing” Cs performance in great detail also relevant

End of May I receive a picture message from her of a positive pregnancy test. That says “4-6 weeks”. So we talk, I ask what she wants to do, how she is and generally try and be supportive as this is obviously a shock. She wonders how she will tell “B”. Being –slow- naive I thought this was an “in case he finds out from someone else and is hurt way” (yeah I don’t know why that was my first thought…..). He is out of the country in a place with patchy phone coverage. I suggest that maybe she should wait until he’s back to tell him, as face to face would be a lot better than a text. I say that he won’t be able to do anything from there and it would come across a lot better if she spoke to him in person. He’s due back in 3 days.

Next day I get a call from her wondering why Bs friends are being soooooo mean to her. He has apparently gone on a bender in other country after speaking to her, and they were messaging her asking what she did. I ask what she said that would cause that. “I did what you suggested, I didn’t tell him. I said I needed to speak to him about something serious when he was back and I was sick every morning. I didn’t tell him, he worked it out!!!”. Right. I ask her if he thought he was the Father or did she at least make it clear that he wasn’t. I was glared at and told of course he was the Father as there was no other possibility, she hadn’t been with another man since she met him in Oct :S :S :S

No reasoning will work, but I figure there’s no way she’ll get away with this as…well giving birth when the maths/timing is off will mean B will have to question this. They get back together and I back off. He is smitten and clearly worships her. I can’t stand to see this knowing everything he’s dreaming off will come shattering down in a few months. He really is a lovely, sweet guy without a bad bone in his body. He’d do anything for her. So I’m a coward, I keep my mouth shut.

She tragically loses the baby. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I’m in contact with her throughout, offering any support I can. B takes it incredibly badly, even attempting suicide as he feels “guilty for not being with her from the beginning”. I still keep my mouth shut, as what good can saying anything do?

Given how this started I didn’t think they would last. I assumed it would run its course. She refused to tell him the truth (I only brought it up once after) as “well he isn’t going to figure it out now, so why ruin what we have?”. That’s when I stopped making contact with her. B proposed to her (for the third time) and she accepted in Dec 15. She only realised I hadn’t been making contact when she text me to ask if I would be bridesmaid. I didn’t reply within the hour so she took to social media (I know) complaining. I sent her a message saying I couldn’t stand up and support her in this as long as she hid what she did from “B” and that as horrible as it was at the time, basing a marriage on that big a lie just made a mockery of it (not my proudest moment). So I’ve been made out now to anyone who will listen as being a despicable, evil, jealous b!tch who is either suffering from a personality disorder or bitter as I was in love with A. I think this all started because when she realised I wouldn’t support her, she thought I’d show B the timeline through the messages/tell him to his face. I’ve just ignored all this and kept silent through this all.

I no longer miss our friendship, as I realised the person I thought I was friends with would never do anything so cruel. I have no intentions of getting in touch with anyone to show what she did. (thank you anyone who has made it this far!!!!)

If he doesn’t find out before the wedding, he could still work it out later? Or if he always knew it was a lie but went with it to be with A, could someone really keep up the pretence forever? I try and not think about it at all but every now and then I think “If it was my brother/friend who was marrying someone who did this to them, would I want them to know?”. I can’t say anything now but

AIBU to still feel awful for B? and AIBU to feel so guilty for not being braver when this started as it could have stopped it going so far. If anyone has any suggestions for how to get over this I’d really appreciate it.

Well you did stand silently by as the expression goes so you knew it was wrong and didn't say anything.

It does depend how close you are to B as to whether you can watch him get caught up in this lie. A cannot deny it as you have all the text messages sent from her.

Having read the relationships board where people have found out their husband had an affair 3 years ago and how devastated they are, I am not sure I agree with the whole that ship has sailed bit. Surely B needs to know what he is marrying in terms of pinning a pregnancy on the man who wasn't the father.

how close were u with B-did she completely lie to him about dates?

i wouldnt let people go round saying im a bitch jealous etc becaus eof what she has been telling people-but its a tough one whther to say what really happened

you dont have any proof and it mgiht just look like youre being nasty

It it had been me I'd have had to say something to B at the time she was PG. I usually try to stay out of people's dramas but I couldn't let that one go - it's too massive.

Still, it's too late now, so unless you are still prepared to tell him and show him the evidence of how she lied you may as well just move away from the whole thing and put it, and her, behind you.

Agree mostly with those saying that you just have to put it behind you and let them go on with their life together, but the one thing that rings alarm bells is that you say that B tried to kill himself out of guilt about the miscarriage and not being there for her from the beginning. I do agree with another poster that this is a touch melodramatic on his part but let's say that he truly was affected that deeply, it's very cruel of her to let him go on thinking that the pregnancy was anything to do with him.

One thing confuses me though - if they were together when she lost the baby, and she was 2 months less far along than he thought she was (you say they broke up mid Feb and ONS with C was mid April) is it really likely that he didn't find out when supporting her during and after the mc how far along she had been at the time of the loss? Perhaps he's already worked it out but has decided to ignore it and move on.

Or, to put it another way, he may have seen the mc as even more tragic thinking that she was 2 months further along than she actually was.

(No offence intended to anyone who has had a mc, I have had one myself and they are devastating no matter when in the pregnancy they occur)

Yes but him attempting suecide sounds a tad dramatic and attention seeking. They both sound hard work and you deserve better friends op.

And yes can't wait to use the monkey and circus too.

I know that onyIcanclean I said it in my post?

To be honest, I think you're making huge assumptions here. Mainly that she told you every time she slept with B. You just don't know that he wasn't the father. I also disagree that even if he wasn't the father an she knew it that she's done something awful. Is the idea that he wouldn't give a shit about the miscarriage if the baby wasn't his? I also think you sound way over invested in their relationship. Do you fancy b a bit? Honestly, their relationship sounds chaotic but it's rarely the case that one person is all good and one all bad in a relationship, as you suggest to be the case here. In particular, being someone who is depressed to the point of suicide can be very difficult and demanding and you don't know what she does to support him or what pressures she on her. You don't see what goes on in their relationship, only the bits she tells you (ie arguments they've had) so I wouldn't try to manage it for them.

Jessie I thought that to! As in on some level does he know but just chooses to pretend? Have no contact with them now but B would still be able to get in contact with me if he wanted.

Gabs I haven't responded to any of her comments about me being a bitch etc. She's vaguebooking when she does so I don't think most people would know it was aimed at me (I think ).

Thanks for the replies everyone, seriously. I don't feel like I can discuss this in RL so just getting it out and having other peoples thoughts has helped

If he is prone to the dramatic - suicide attempt (was it a cry for help? Genuine?) then telling him could make him fall apart completely. And if you have any mutual friends you will become a pariah.

I understand your dilemma but it's too late to do anything now.

Hum. well she's a proven liar and cheat, despite the "we were on a break!" style protestations; and she was willing to con him into believing he was the father of her baby.

But you can't really tell him any of that without telling him all of it.

And he might still choose to marry her anyway.

I think you're beating yourself up over something that is firmly in the past now, but will have repercussions for the future too - especially if she carries on being a lying cheating con artist - so I can see why you're still thinking about it. But in all honesty, do you really want to get involved with all of this? He must have at least half an inkling of what sort of person she is, and he's still choosing to be with her - so in all honesty, I'd just let him get on with it and try to put them both out of your mind.

Don't worry op sure most of her fb 'friends' know what she's like anyway.

Do you like this guy?

Point taken. Beak out and won't give another thought. Ta all

Oh and whoever asked if I liked him.....eh he's a nice guy, but no! Been with DH since before all this aswell

I get why you're bothered. I'd not be comfortable knowing all this and knowing that B doesn't know. It's awkward - it's easy for people on the internet to say "meh, not your business" but it's not that simple in RL when you know all the details.

However, there is nothing you can do that will come off well. The only thing you can really do it tell him, but I'd hedge a guess that with all the breaking up and getting back together, he quite likes the drama too and probably has a better idea, deep down, what she is like that you are crediting him with.

B sounds like the kind of guy who is drawn to drama queens like A. I tried to 'rescue' a friend from this kind of relationship once. She turned on me and ended up defending the partner who had behaved like a swine towards both me and her. They are married now and I imagine they are still fighting like cat and dog every day and loving every bloody second of it. Some people want to live like this. They get bored with life otherwise.

Reassure yourself destiny will enable people to make their choices. Also known as they kick themselves in the ballcocks in the end.

Either her treatment of him will improve, and they have a happy relationship in which case let them get on with it.

Or it won't and they will have an unhappy relationship, and then he will be in a position to decide for himself how to proceed.

She may have slept with him without you knowing. She's manipulating him, she may be manipulating you too.

If she asked you to be bridesmaid when you have cut contact for a while, she may not have a lot of options and her carry-on may be coming home to roost already.

Also what robotic seal pup said. Co-dependent thing.

Yeah, to be fair he sounds pretty over-dramatic himself. His ex has a miscarriage and he tries to kill himself? What would he be like if he was with someone who had fertility problems? Sounds like they were suited to one another.

But if he is still torturing himself about it for whatever reason, then tell him. You have nothing to lose, although given his unstable nature, might this not trigger yet another suicide attempt?

I will look out for all of you on Jezza Kyle.

fair enough op-as long as youre not coming out of this looking bad-let them get on with it

My best friend of 16 years got married 6 years ago and I was her bridesmaid and had to stand there and watch her marry a man I knew had cheated on her.

The circumstances of him cheating on her put me in a very difficult position and I made the very hard choice not to tell her because of the catastrophic damage telling her would do to a lot of people.

They were engaged when he cheated on her and he knew that I knew as I caught him in the act.

Anyway, my point is that even now, 10 years later I'm still plagued by thoughts of "should I have told her?". At the time it felt like the right decision to keep it from her but now I really wish I hadn't. Sometimes I really want to tell her but the impact of the truth coming out would have a huge impact due to the complicated situation the cheating occurred within.

If I were you I would take a step back, it doesn't sound like you are particularly close to either of them or that you owe either of them your honesty, so just disengage from them both and forget about it.

you are well rid! her bad blood will out and he will learn, I think he is so smitten he wont thank you if you say anything

cut ties, walk away and it will fucking implode eventually

I do understand your angst, but as there is NO CHILD involved now, walk away with a clear conscience- sorry but thank god she miscarried as that poor baby would have been bought into a twister paternity fuck up

Hmmm well she's taking the piss by goading you on FB. I can't stand when people do that - make some vague comment that's clearly full of venom and aimed at somebody but they don't have the balls to either just name and shame or to have the conversation in rl.

Next time she makes a barbed remark in public on FB, I would reply (in public) something like "Please stop making these comments that are so clearly aimed at me. You know exactly what happened and why the two of us are no longer in contact. If you want, we can do this in public but I suspect you would rather not."

A sounds terrible. I feel sorry for B.

Some men are gullible idiots. And love makes many people blinde... Not to mention that B sounds emotionally fragile (does he have a history of mental health problems?). To me it looks as if A is taking advantage of him. And in some way your support makes it look as if you condoned the behaviour. So... tell him and then wash your hands off it?

If this was my brother I'd want somebody to tell him. (Well, actually, if this was one of my brothers I'd want the woman persecuted for pedophilia. But you know, when they're older....)

Thanks all for commenting,really has helped me get my head around it/straighter having outsiders prospective (why didn't I ask you sooner!) .As I said, not in contact with either any more and there's thankfully no real mutual friends so should be ok in that regard. Jacket I'm going to copy and save that exact comment, thanks for phrasing better than I could!