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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

slapped on the fingers... :-/

70 replies

Krooski · 03/06/2016 10:24

I'm a bit unsure what to think of this. I -and another person- got a ridefrom someone to and from a group that all three of us are involved in - this happens twice a month.
We've only known each other for a few months, through the group, so we don't know each other that well. Usually it's all good during the drive and we chat in the car, but the last time the driver seemed very grumpy. She was much quieter than usual and reacted a little irritated if I said smth. I didn't think much of it because I know she has health issues and had been very busy lately, so I reckoned she was just tired or not feeling well.

After our meeting we got back into the car. While we were still in the parking place I was sitting next to the (still grumpy) driver holding and I was holding the handle above the door - I didn't do this consciously, I guess it was just comfortable.
Anyway, as the driver started the car she snapped at me to remove my hand because she couldn't see, and before I could do as she asked she slapped me on my hand and fingers. Only a small slap, and it didn't hurt, but I must admit I was a little shocked.
The rest of the drive she was mostly quiet, and when I said or asked something she reacted very annoyed and irritated. I still think it was down to her not feeling well, but I'm quite bothered by the slap on the fingers. I don't think anyway over the age of six has slapped me in the last thirty-odd years, and like I said, this woman and I don't know each other very well.

I suppose I'll just pretend it didn't happen. What would you think or feel if someone you don't know very well slaps you on the fingers?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/06/2016 11:29

Does she have children? I have parent friends who tap their childrens hands.

I think if it didn't hurt, I'd probably not be that bothered, although a bit bemused.

Holding the door does seem to annoy most drivers. I guess it suggests that you feel you need to hold on!

Anyway, the lift situation isn't working. Maybe she's feeling very used driving you all around every fortnight. Find a new way to get there. It's strange to rely on someone you only know very loosely for lifts...

monkeywithacowface · 03/06/2016 11:29

That's very weird behaviour. I'd make alternative lift arrangements

Onlyicanclean10 · 03/06/2016 11:32

I have to say I would find it very irritating to have someone hold the strap as would see that as balancing themselves against my bad driving. Wink

Op you and your friend have pisses her off so guessing it's petrol, lateness or sharing the driving.

You know which

aliasjoey · 03/06/2016 11:37

All the way there, and all the way back she was acting quiet and grumpy and you wondered if she wasn't well?

Didn't anyone ask if she was okay?

rollonthesummer · 03/06/2016 11:37

Op- can you answer the questions about who drives/whether you pay for petrol?

If the driver were to post on here, what would she say?

'AIBU to be pissed off. I drive two 'friends' to a joint hobby there and back again every week. Neither of them drive and expect me to collect and drop them at their houses which is completely out of my way. Neither has ever mention petrol! Last night, I was trying to drive out of a busy car park and the friend in my passenger seat was holding onto the door handle completely blocking my view of cars to the left of me! I asked her to move and she didn't, so I tapped her arm out of the way so I could be sure that there wasn't a car coming. AIBU to just drive myself there in future?!'

Are you a driver?

Krooski · 03/06/2016 11:39

I did think that perhaps she didn't want to do the driving anymore.
It is only she who drives, as the other person and I don't drive. I am very conscious that it can be annoying for people to serve as a 'taxi driver', so I try to be as considerate as possible, like arrange to be at a place where it's easy for her etc. She didn't want to accept petrol money so I now pay for parking and drinks. It was she who offered to drive me in the first place. I could easily take the bus to the meetings, but there are no buses back, and then she said that she'd take me back and pick me up too.

Of course it's perfectly fine if she changed her mind, but I'd think she could just say that rather than act like this..

One thing that I think may have annoyed her is the other person. Initially it was just me, her, and sometimes one other person, but I met this fourth person (who I don't know that well) who also wanted to join and I asked 'my' driver if she'd be okay giving him a lift too - I did say that if she didn't want to , to just tell me, and I'd tell the new person. She did say yes, but perhaps she just felt uncomfortable saying no and now she feels annoyed about the situation. Or perhaps she's just not well.
She uses medication too - I don't know what or what for, but perhaps that has an impact on her behaviour (only... if it does, is she then fit to drive at all? :-/)

I want to try to work it out with her though, as the group we are in wouldn't work very well if there are grudges.
But I'm also finding out exactly how much a taxi home would cost and if it would be affordable if I shared it with the other non-driver(s).

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/06/2016 11:46

I met this fourth person (who I don't know that well) who also wanted to join and I asked 'my' driver if she'd be okay giving him a lift too - I did say that if she didn't want to , to just tell me, and I'd tell the new person.

I bet that's it. It's not like he was an old friend, he was a stranger to you. The lift wasn't yours to offer... she could have said no, but most people struggle with that. Nobody wants to be put in that position.

I wouldn't have asked at all, if I couldn't drive him, transport was his problem. If you did need to ask, you should have mentioned it to her first, so she could decide whether to offer him a lift.

Now it's something nice and helpful she was doing for you, and is now having to do for more strangers. She has become more of a taxi driver.

I can't drive because of health problems at the moment. You got most of the ettiquette right - waiting somewhere convenient, buying drinks and offering petrol money - but offering the lift out to someone else is a massive faux pas, in my experience. Especially a stranger.

Onlyicanclean10 · 03/06/2016 11:49

Well there you have it op! You pimped her put as a taxi driver to another random person and put her in a position that she couldn't really refuse. Of course she's pissed off.

Now what's the group do? Are you bell fingers? Grin

Krooski · 03/06/2016 11:51

Oh, I did ask her if she was well, as did several other people in the group, because they all noticed she was a bit quiet, and she said she was a little tired. Of course it's possible that she just didn't want to share that she felt awful.
In the car bakc she was very snappy with me though. The other person may or may not have seen it - I don't know, he was in the back. He didn't say anything and I don't want to discuss it with him either. I barely know him, and it would be nasty to talk about it behind the driver's back.

And I'm sure that holding the handle is annoying for a driver, but I there's no reason why she couldn't just tell me. She slapped me before she had even finished asking me to move my hand.

OP posts:
LolBeansandSalad · 03/06/2016 11:57

I think you put her in an awkward position and she was possibly pissed off that in trying to do someone she doesn't know very well a favour, she found herself put upon.

All supposition of course, but imo more likely than due to her medication and illness. I'd be taken aback if someone physically slapped me though, and I'd be making arrangements to get there under my own steam from now on

LolBeansandSalad · 03/06/2016 11:58

I mean her being pissed off is a more likely scenario than her being ill d'oh

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/06/2016 12:00

I wonder if she has small children and is just used to tapping hands out of the way and it was a reflex (iyswim). Not an excuse but maybe an explanation.
As an aside I was once on a work trip with some quite senior people in the car and out of habit pointed out the 'moo cows' in the field as we drove past. Fortunately they saw the funny side!

Krooski · 03/06/2016 12:01

I didn't offer the other person a lift!
I only said I'd ask in the group if there was anyone who could give him a lift, and then I asked my 'driver' in particular, and I even bloody said to her that she shouldn't feel obliged, and if she didn't want to do it to tell me, so I'd sort it out with the other man so she didn't have to deal with it. She said it was fine if she didn't have to go out of her way, so I arranged with this other person to get in and out of the car at the same place I did.

Honestly, if that would be her problem then sorry - she should have said so. And if she doesn't feel able to say it, then that's her problem and she shouldn't take it out on me like this. She's a grown woman!

But now I'm getting angry with her without even knowing if that is her problem.

OP posts:
weirdsister · 03/06/2016 12:02

She may have actually felt really poorly but felt that she had a duty to both go to the group, and also stay till the end because she was giving you a lift. She may well have just stayed home had she not had that commitment.

She's probably feeling really pissed off about the 4th person as well. Slapping your hand away wasn't a great thing for her to do, but offering her as a lift to another person (without asking her first) is also not a great thing to do to a person who is doing you a favour.

LolBeansandSalad · 03/06/2016 12:04

Can you not see that it's still putting her in the awkward position? Ok you might be the one talking to the guy, but she's still the one saying no- and you're all in the group together. You shouldn't take it upon yourself to try and sort anyone else out unless your the one who's in the position to help!

PortiaCastis · 03/06/2016 12:05

Crikey she's got long arms. I think she was pissed off with being a taxi

Pearlman · 03/06/2016 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/06/2016 12:08

She's a friend so ask if she's ok? It seems out of character and odd.

Something like that I would be more worried about why she did it than anything else. Buy her a coffee and talk to her.

weirdsister · 03/06/2016 12:09

It's not really a friendship though is it?
The driver has offered to do a helpful thing and the op is using her as a taxi service.

monkeywithacowface · 03/06/2016 12:10

You were wrong to ask her to give lifts to a complete stranger but that's no excuse for hitting (even if it's just a tap) tell her you and random man will make your own way from now on.

It's unfair to say "it's her problem if she doesn't just say no" you made it her problem

QueenofallIsee · 03/06/2016 12:10

I reckon that she felt ill, wanted to miss whatever your group is and felt like she couldn't as she is relied on for transport for 3 other people. Instead of saying, look I didn't think this through and I can't do this every single time, she is festering on it

Withdraw from the arrangement OP, its not going to work out

Witchend · 03/06/2016 12:12

Our car isn't huge, and I have normal size arms, but I needed to lean over to reach the passenger window yesterday and ended up half sitting on the handbrake to reach. And sprawled across ds (who thought it was funny) It was jolly uncomfortable and took enough time that you could have easily removed your hand in plenty of time.

I think your problem is either you've got a toy car or your driver's an orangutan. If the latter then slapping is perfectly natural behaviour. So don't worry. She'll probably happily remove your fleas for you too.

MatildaTheCat · 03/06/2016 12:13

It would probably work best if you ask her rather than us what might be bothering her. It does sound as if a) she feels Ill and b) she was fed up with the fourth person being included. Also,mif she felt unwell all the chatter could be really annoying.

Talk to her. The 'slap' sounds totally insignificant to me.

Onlyicanclean10 · 03/06/2016 12:14

She's not feeling ill she's pissed because she now feels obliged to give another random person lift. Seriously op why were you asking around about lifts for another person you don't know well and getting involved. You sound like a busy body. Obviously she couldn't refuse could she without looking a bitch!

Take the hint and sort out your own lifts and let others do the same.

What's the club?

Kidnapped · 03/06/2016 12:19

Yes, you should not have taken on the responsibility of asking around for a lift for this guy. Why can't he ask around the group? It is him who wants the lift.

People don't like being put on the spot. It seems it started off with giving you a lift, and then a second person a lift some of the time, and then a third person is suddenly needing a lift. It can all get a bit much.

She was well out of order for slapping/tapping your fingers though.