To be scared he'll hurt me in his sleep

[LittleLionMansMummy]

When I met dh 14 years ago he had quite regular night terrors. They were quite bad and he used to imagine things coming through the walls and would leap out of bed and knock picture frames off walls etc. They've calmed down over the years and now only happen once a fortnight or month and mostly only involve him sitting up quickly in bed and thinking he's choking on something, or running to the bathroom because he thinks he needs the loo. Until last night.

I was woken at 1am by him leaping around the bedroom screaming and waving his arms in the air, rampaging around the bedroom ripping wardrobe doors open, knocking clothes onto the floor absolutely terrified (fast breathing, fast heartbeat etc). When he's had these episodes he doesn't respond well in his sleep to being told it's not real, so my usual method is to very calmly tell him to keep calm, I know how real it seems but im here and will help him. After a while he comes around and wakes up properly full of embarrassment. But because I was woken so quickly from deep sleep and it was such a shock to see him like that, I wasn't prepared for it and so said 'for goodness sake, it's not real! You're dreaming'. At which point he grabbed my wrists and held me down and said "Listen! I saw something on my phone this morning about things dressed as elephants coming through the walls!" He's never, ever been physical with me before during these episodes and I was genuinely scared. I changed tack and spoke calmly to him and eventually he let go of me and slowly woke up, realising what had happened. He was of course mortified and very embarrassed and apologetic. He'd managed to hurt himself too - a big lump and bruise on his shin from when he was leaping around.

Within minutes he was fast asleep again but I was really unsettled by the thought it could happen again and he might smother or strangle me next time. Stupidly I Googled night terrors and found that some people can become violent to partners etc. It took ages to go back to sleep and I was on edge all night. I mean, we have since giggled about the elephants comment because it's all just so surreal and tbh humour helps us cope with it. But ultimately I was scared.

AIBU to be worried or have I been watching too many films and letting my imagination run wild? This has never happened to such an extent before and I have no way of knowing if it will happen again. It was all very bizarre. Unfortunately it seems the condition is hereditary and our ds has inherited it, though thankfully not yet to this extent. I do worry about him too though as we've also found him sleep walking around his room.

OP - I have a similar sounding sleep disorder to your DH. I went to the sleep clinic and was diagnosed with parasomnia. They prescribed a small dose of antidepressant which affects sleep architecture, it was quite straightforward. What was scary is that I had 5 episodes in the one night I spent in the clinic, but I don't remember anything about them. I've worried about hurting my DH. It's never happened - when I've had night terrors I usually try and save him from something, and it sounds like your DH is doing the same. But YANBU to be worried, as who can say what he dreams about? But there is a treatment out there for him. x

You're both doing the right things. Well done

I hope the GP sees the seriousness and does an urgent referral rather than attempting to manage it themselves (otherwise known as faffing around in my book!). I think they will see the potential risks though, as shocking / rare as they are.

Baby on the way should be the decider if any hint of faffing, though I've hesitated about writing that as it could be seen as trivializing the danger to you, which I feel is very very real.

Am amazed to find out that others have stories/ experiences of strangling. I thought it was rarer. It's nice (in a not nice way) not to be alone.

My STBXH strangled me in his sleep, maybe three or four times. I didn't take it seriously enough when it happened, and I look back with utter horror at the way I just failed to react to a very real danger of death.

Necks are so very very vulnerable. They really are. A death squeeze/ blow/ hold is such a small amount of movement away, it's a big of a design flaw really, but they need to be treated with respect and care.

The last time was worse than hands round my neck (I know, like that's a sentence that should ever be written). He got me in a head lock with one arm, round the neck, but this time he got his other hand under my chin/ side of face and jerked my head sideways... You know, to break my neck. Or rather the neck of an armed soldier coming at him when he was cornered, unarmed and fighting for his life (as a teenager trapped in a war running from conflict and doing anything not to be forced into fighting). So yeah, traumatizing for him, and obviously he needed help with his PTSD. An awful lot of help. But not from me, from professionals. And before he kills someone, not after. Love really does Not conquer all.

I know how close I came to death, a couple of millimeters away in fact. I told a doctor in passing, and saw their reaction. I think I always did know really underneath.

I'm so glad your dh is reacting differently, with love for you. Mine chose to dismiss the whole thing as he was embarrassed that he was 'mental' and didn't want to tell anyone. Looking back... What the actual hell?! He'd rather risk killing his wife than see a gp? Nice.

Anyway, you're in a different situation, phew! But really, I don't think you can react too much in this situation. You can still love and adore him, and he you. But it needs sorting, and as he loves you lots he needs to protect you at the moment, and you are thinking of him, as well as you, in getting it sorted, as you would want to protect him from the terrible circumstances in that link. Imagine the guilt and horror of knowing you had killed your true love and mother to your children. Shudder.

On the up side it sounds like it could be sorted by low dose medications so that's really hopeful.

Good luck to both of you, it must be really hard.