To be scared he'll hurt me in his sleep

[LittleLionMansMummy]

When I met dh 14 years ago he had quite regular night terrors. They were quite bad and he used to imagine things coming through the walls and would leap out of bed and knock picture frames off walls etc. They've calmed down over the years and now only happen once a fortnight or month and mostly only involve him sitting up quickly in bed and thinking he's choking on something, or running to the bathroom because he thinks he needs the loo. Until last night.

I was woken at 1am by him leaping around the bedroom screaming and waving his arms in the air, rampaging around the bedroom ripping wardrobe doors open, knocking clothes onto the floor absolutely terrified (fast breathing, fast heartbeat etc). When he's had these episodes he doesn't respond well in his sleep to being told it's not real, so my usual method is to very calmly tell him to keep calm, I know how real it seems but im here and will help him. After a while he comes around and wakes up properly full of embarrassment. But because I was woken so quickly from deep sleep and it was such a shock to see him like that, I wasn't prepared for it and so said 'for goodness sake, it's not real! You're dreaming'. At which point he grabbed my wrists and held me down and said "Listen! I saw something on my phone this morning about things dressed as elephants coming through the walls!" He's never, ever been physical with me before during these episodes and I was genuinely scared. I changed tack and spoke calmly to him and eventually he let go of me and slowly woke up, realising what had happened. He was of course mortified and very embarrassed and apologetic. He'd managed to hurt himself too - a big lump and bruise on his shin from when he was leaping around.

Within minutes he was fast asleep again but I was really unsettled by the thought it could happen again and he might smother or strangle me next time. Stupidly I Googled night terrors and found that some people can become violent to partners etc. It took ages to go back to sleep and I was on edge all night. I mean, we have since giggled about the elephants comment because it's all just so surreal and tbh humour helps us cope with it. But ultimately I was scared.

AIBU to be worried or have I been watching too many films and letting my imagination run wild? This has never happened to such an extent before and I have no way of knowing if it will happen again. It was all very bizarre. Unfortunately it seems the condition is hereditary and our ds has inherited it, though thankfully not yet to this extent. I do worry about him too though as we've also found him sleep walking around his room.

That sounds truly terrifying Esme. Did it escalate over time or was it always that bad?

Suburban it has never been this severe before. If it had been he'd have gone to a GP long ago. They've lessened hugely over the years so we just didn't think it was necessary.

Look up parasol is and rem sleep disorder. It's where a person doesn't go into a replaxed state in rem sleep. There is medication that can be used.

Not parasol! Parasomnias!

It started gradually then slowly escalated, after kids were born and he got less sleep and got more sexually frustrated and work became more demanding etc. Stress flares it up, he hasn't had an episode in a while now. The Drs and specialists were not shocked by anything he said or I said, but treated him with respect and dignity.

He hasn't taken any medication but apart from forcing it down his throat I can't do much.nsleeping apart helps a lot and managing his stress works as well.

Please see a doctor together. I have suffered on and off with night terrors. Last year I attacked my dp in my sleep and obviously it scared both of us. We went together and I was seen in sleep clinic. I was given mindfulness type excercies to relax before going to sleep and dp was taught some techniques how to talk to me when I'm having them. Touch wood I've been fine for about 10 months, I've had nightmares but dp said there has been no thrashing about and I'm easier to calm down.

OP, have you researched this at all? If not I would recommend doing so, because there is help out there.

This happened to me when I was a young student - we rarely spent the whole night together (shared dorm, student accommodation) but one night we did, and he tried to strangle me. He told me he had dreaming that he was fighting off a burglar. We were both asleep, and I sort of woke up in a headlock. It's frightening, and we were both a bit bewildered tbh - he didn't actually hurt me.

www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-michael-j-breus/sleep-tips-sleep-violence_b_530502.html

Yanbu, btw.

Definitely go to the doctor and ask for a referral to a sleep clinic.

This could also be nocturnal epilepsy.

Do GPs do family appointments? I'm thinking of going along with dh (with his agreement) and also involving our ds. He frequently (most nights) 'wakes' screaming/ crying and sometimes seeing things that aren't there. As I said, we've also found him sleep walking on 3 occasions. He's 5.

Dh has emailed from work to say he's worried because he never wants to hurt any of us. He's said we'll talk tonight and he isn't dismissing my concerns.

Sorry if I missed it, but if you have a second room I'd insist he sleeps in it, and preferably locks the door (make sure you have a second key or you can open from the outside).
But, even if not, it would be a good idea for him to sleep in the living room.

And definitely go to the doctor.

If he says no to either, then I would strongly consider kicking him out until he sorts it out.

I'd book two appointments just in case, so that the doctor has time to see both. Explain to the receptionist.

Sounds like your DH knows he needs help, now OP. I hope you get a good response from your GP

Sounds like your dh is worried too. What he does in his sleep IS NOT HIM. You should go to the GP and ask for a referral, or help dealing with his anxiety.

As someone with PTSD I can lash out when awake or asleep if approached the wrong way. Luckily with the medication I am on I tend to sleep much more deeply and it's been years since I've done anything - plus my dh is much stronger than I am so could presumably restrain me. I don't like having the dc in bed with me though.

YANBU.

Just another voice to add to the chorus of seek RL medical help and get him referred to a sleep clinic. Why on earth would he not?! I don't understand the hesitation - you think he'd have to find himself having been physical first before he seeks help? Why??

Make a double appointment if you want to discuss your DS too. And of course go along with DH (provided he is ok with that).

No idea think it would have to be deemed by us to be a problem Pacific and until now it hasn't worried either of us much - we just thought of it as something relatively innocuous that happens but we can cope with and it never occurred to us to 'seek help'. Until last night I hadn't even thought of sleep clinics or GP referrals. This level of aggression was an entirely new aspect that has triggered me into doing some research and discovering that it really can potentially be quite dangerous.

I wouldn't bring your DH and your 5yr old to the GP and all be discussing your DH's issue in front of your DS. You will scare the hell out of the boy surely.
A sleepwalking and waking at night issue in the 5yr old is completely different and separate to the issue your DH is having.
It's not a 'family' problem. Your DH is aware he has an issue. The 5yr old is not aware he has an issue, and it is not an issue unless he is in some sort of danger.

It's an issue for ds because there's considerable evidence that in 80% of children with these problems, there's a family history of the same problems. I believe he is potentially in danger because he has already sleep walked three times and knocked into bedroom walls. He finds it extremely distressing, as it is for us to see it happening and be unable to prevent it. He's aware he does it and isn't remotely scared - he seems to think it's quite cool/ interesting

But I do think you have a point about the family appointment - I wouldn't want ds to be aware that dh had acted out violently towards me as I'm sure that would bother him. They apparently do back to back appointments so we'll probably do that and discuss separately for this reason.

I mean he's extremely distressed when he's having an episode - not bothered at all by it once he's awake.

Actually, I think it is a good idea to discuss with with the whole family, as for a 5 year old it will be much more upsetting if he sees his father acting violently at home and has no idea what's going on.

During the appointment you may even discuss strategies to cope and what to avoid.

He needs medication. People have killed during these kinds of episodes.

www.theguardian.com/uk/2009/nov/20/brian-thomas-dream-strangler-tragedy

I've suffered with this for years, though thankfully only periodically. The worst episodes have been linked to periods of depression and anxiety, and were actually exacerbated by my meds for that. Extreme exhaustion has also been a trigger, and sometimes it has been something as simple as needing a wee at night - i think that is quite common in childhood night terrors, not sure how much so in adults.

I didn't talk to the gp about it for a long time as, i think like with you guys, i thought it was distressing but not harmful. I was never aware of my partner during these episodes, but he did get grabbed, sat on etc although i never attacked him as such. I was more of a danger to myself - the worst was climbing out of an upstairs window, but thankfully my dh was able to haul me back in.

It improved for me when my meds were reduced and i also reduced my alcohol and caffeine intake. I also found other techniques that i used to deal with my depression and anxiety also made a huge difference, especially yoga and mindfulness meditation. I'm largely free from depression now but still have terrible anxiety, but haven't had a night terror in quite a few years now.

Just to be clear, mine weren't caused by my mental health but it certainly worsened it - i'd had episodes long before i had issues on that front. My df also suffers with it, and has attacked my dm in his sleep and would wake up convinced he'd killed one of us. So far my ds doesn't seem to have the same problem, for which i am thankful. I hope your gp can give you a plan to deal with it.

Thanks Velvet for your insight. Dh does suffer more when he's anxious, and he did have a period of depression shortly after we met during which time it was exacerbated. He's not depressed now but he is naturally quite an anxious person who keeps his stress well hidden which he knows isn't healthy. He used to drink a bit too much to deal with stress but no longer drinks, so alcohol isn't a factor. He drinks quite a lot of tea during the day, but not past 6pm usually. My dad used to have them and thought my mum was a gorilla in bed with him (charming!) But dh always seems to know me. When he held me down it didn't feel like he was trying to hurt me but was instead irritated and wanted me to listen to him. He knew it was me and always talks/ communicates with me. But at the back of my mind I still have the worry that even if he doesn't hurt me in anger/ frustration, he might do so in fear by lashing out. Things coming through the walls seems to be a constant theme - he once thought a lorry had ploughed into the house and woke the house up screaming. So my fear is mostly that he'll leap up towards a wall to stop it and accidentally hurt himself, me or, as others have said, our baby. We're both taking it seriously now and will ask for a referral.

Oysterbabe that article had me in floods. Way too close to home, even down to the camper van. So tragically sad for everyone involved.