To think it's okay to playfully insult your children?

[joellevandyne]

Actually, it wasn't even me insulting my children, it was the kids' aunt, but I am 100 percent fine with it.

Scenario: Kids and Auntie (childless) are at the park. Kids are jumping in muddy puddles. Auntie tells them they are "diiiiiss-gusting!" in an over-the-top teasing tone. Two women are passing by and one draws a hissing breath and says to Auntie in a disapproving tone with a disapproving look, "Ooooh... you need to be careful about talking to them like that."

AIBU to think this lady needs to remove the stick from her ass (and her nose from other people's business), or is it really not okay to tease children with whom you have a loving relationship these days?

I already do this loads and DD is only 5 months She's often referred to as Stinky, Chubs or Ratbag.

As everyone says, it depends on your tone, how close you are to the person and whether there's anything 'behind' it. I tease my children a bit about things like being a mucky pup, but occasionally it has gone too far (my husband once called one of mine a name in jest and they cried). In a close loving relationship, this can be resolved, but if you didn't know the person so well or didn't have lots of positive interactions of a different kind, I think it could be quite unpleasant.

I have a friend whose relation calls her dd 'affectionate names' but they are outrageous and really quite unpleasant, it doesn't come over as very loving especially when the child was tiny and couldn't really have much of a relationship with them.

In this example, though, it's fine, it's mock outrage at the disgustingness of muddy puddle jumping and I'm surprised anyone would say anything, that lady must cruise around looking for other people's lives to comment on.

I do this all the time with my class.
When I get them in the morning I'll say something like 'not you lot again?'
It's a joke, they get it.

Ah, my six year old actually answers to Ratmuffin. It's fine!

Have seen families where the entire family dynamic is sarcasm and it can actually be alienating to one child because the whole family is always teasing and they cannot get away from it. I've also seen a LOT of nastiness excused as "good natured teasing".

seeyounearertime I think I love you a little bit! (I think my Dad owns the same job spec as you)

I tease DS all the time. He teases back. If he's not in the mood, or doesn't like a particular type of teasing, he says so and I stop immediately and don't do it again if it's the latter. I also tell him all the time that I love him and I think he's awesome.

I do remember my mum making a teasing comment to me about a particular body part that I was very self-conscious about, when I was about 11/12. She didn't do it out of spite or anything, it was literally just a joke, but I was really hurt and I still remember the whole scene clearly. So I'm very careful not to tease DS about anything he's self-conscious about.

yeah, i dont do it. not because im a poe faced cow but because im from a family where everybody got mocked and ridiculed....and what can seem like a gentle ribbing to an adult is not always that way as a child.

my dad called me gruesome once. i believed it for years.

Also I think you have to stick to stuff that is clearly not going to be a problem later - wouldn't call a kid "chubs" once they could understand it for e.g.

We openly insult one another frequently. I think it is just our humour. I always make it very clear when it has gone too far and that other people won't find it funny if you do it to them.
Yesterday we had a whatsapp group going all day with hilarious insults (with photos). IMO it kind of gives my teen DC's a more humourous outlet for their sibling bickering when it can be said 'with love'

Foslay oh yes, actually, I've been calling DD 'Snotface McGee' all week because her nose is a slime-tap.

Schwab I was regularly told I was "too sensitive" as a kid, and hate the thought of making my kids feel invalidated, so maybe this thread is me second-guessing the interaction even though I know the way it was done is actually fine. My kids know they're thoroughly loved, are confident and happy, and respond eagerly to playful teasing. I guess I'm just bemused by the willingness of strangers to be judgemental. (Yes, I know I'm on Mumsnet!)

seeyounearertime I think I love you a little bit!

The other day i was driving down the road and i passed a transparent bill board, "thats a clear sign" i thought.

How much do Rabbis charge for circumcisions?
Nothing, they just keep the tips.

I went to a zoo yesterday, they only had one animal, a dog. It was a Shitzhu.

Bonus dad jokes for you.

Honestly, I'm from the north and I've gone from thinking the teasing is great to really having an issue with it. So many confident kids can also be quite anxious and I've seen it go too far way too many times.

I think it's sometimes based on this sort of notion that good parenting means putting your kids down a bit, not letting them get too " big headed". Maybe acting as a bit of a leveler. Well, in the long run, I find you can actually really knock the stuffing out of them a bit too much.

Anything body related I think is a huge no.

No I don't like it actually. Because they might think it is ok to do it to other people. I'd rather they'd be respectful towards others.

That might sound pompous but it, in my view, lets people get away with low level bullying in the guise of "teasing".

So I'm very careful not to tease DS about anything he's self-conscious about but how do you know? I wouldn't tease on physical appearance at all, full stop. Because it can be one of those things where they do become self conscious.

In this case your DC were clearly trying to get as muddy as possible so would have loved their auntie's comment as she was joining in with the joke. Clearly she was not saying she thought they were generally disgusting.

However, my DBIL used to regularly call my DN "fatty" when she was a slightly overweight teen. I really felt for her as she was clearly sensitive about her weight and he made it worse. He said he was trying to encourage her to lose weight

I don't like it either.

I have been dithering about having words with the nursery who keep calling my child 'disgusting' and yes it's the same sort of teasing but just the same it's quite unnerving when she refers to herself as such.

In the context you presented:

YANBU

I have done this once
The little girl was getting on the balance bar at the park, there was mud underneath.the nicely dressed mum said "no darling that one's just for boys".mum then turned to her fiend and laughed (at the success in saving the shoes from the mud).

I just said "Don't say that" then realised it was out loud and ran away

But in your case yanbu

OnGoldenPond I think you've hit the crux of it... this was a situation where despite Auntie's words, she was clearly amused and just making fun of the fact that someone (actually me) would have to deal with the mess later.

OTOH, 'teasing' someone about something they are or might be sensitive about (especially with some kind of motivation to 'help' them like your DBIL) is something I would never feel okay about.

It was clearly said in jest and the DC's were laughing so YANBU.

We're always teasing each other in our house but DH and I would never make comments on physical appearance because that's just nasty IMO.

People would be mortified to hear me talking to my kids,, especially my dd who is quite affectionately known a 'BitchFace' (only by me though, if her siblings called her that there would be hell to pay.

I'm sure there's a backstory but yes, that does look pretty shocking!

I think this is one of those things that relies heavily on context. Me telling my adored 13yr old that the reason I forgot to hand him a chocolate bar was because I didn't love him in the context of having an otherwise very loving respectful tactile relationship with him and crucially, it not being something I say repeatedly, meant he could laugh at it and shrug it off.
If it was something I said regularly to the same child or was something linked to his appearance or his abilities or was said in a relationship which was struggling or less solid then it's completely different.

I know a mum who sometimes calls her 11yr old, ginger, due to her hair colour. But it's said with affection and this same mother regularly tells that same daughter how beautiful she is and what beautiful hair she has. But from the outside that could seem mean as calling someone ginger can be used in a bullying situation.

My dad used to say You're not pretty, but you're not ugly. You're pretty ugly.

I love my dad, but his jokes could be inappropriate for children really.