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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my navy husband to wear his wedding ring

96 replies

mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 04:19

Mega pissed to realise (from many photos posted on facebook) that while away from home and living it up with his mates from the ship on their numerous runs ashore he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring. Might not be such a big thing really, but while he has been away for 5 months me and the kids have been struggling with the usual boring stuff , made more difficult by the fact that we moved countries less than a year ago and are only really starting to feel settled. Still haven't got friends or a social life to speak of, kids have had problems at school etc...Meanwhile, we get the rare phone call from him, usually while en route to the pub/bar/restaurant/day out in yet another exotic location. Emails are also rare, usually practical (eg, he asked me to have a look for something he thought he had left behind at home, and wanted to make sure it was there...). We only know what he's been doing by looking at updates on Facebook, having a great time by the looks of things. I realised yesterday that he hadn't got his wedding ring on, checked back in the other photos I can find, and realised he hasn't got it on in any photo. This includes pubs, nightclubs, days out, everything. Including the one of him very drunk in a bar which had poles in the background...?!? He popped up on messenger last night (out at a bar!) and when I asked him he said he had just forgotten to put it back on when leaving the ship. What? Every time?? That excuse can't cover the years worth of photos I looked at...He didn't apologise, but said that as it was obviously important to me he would try and remember to wear it. Wow, thanks! Such consideration!
I'm not complaining at the fact that he's having some time off, I'm sure they all work hard while on board, but it feels like he just about forgets about us while he's away ,and to me the missing ring was dismissive of me and our relationship, especially in the environments he visits. What do you think about it? Would you be annoyed??

OP posts:
Original poster
mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 11:26

Bearbehind - yep, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for it too! Seriously, if you think I'm enabling this situation, how would you suggest I stop that? As to the restricted email periods, I know they are legit, as we get email notification from the captain in advance. It's not the RN, by the way, so I don't know how the phone allowance system works. Maybe I should have made more effort to find out before he went, but I didn't think it would be an issue. They have been in operations in a sensitive area, so I don't know without asking.

Purplepicnic - I honestly can't remember what the situation regarding calls was on the last long deployment, there's been a lot going on since then. Maybe I was busier with my own stuff at that time, and now our home life has changed I'm more sensitive to it? He wasn't always as spiky as he can be now, but then again, I probably wasn't either. Stress, children and time apart does take a toll. Most of the time when he's at home he's ok.
Unfortunately, I don't know anyone else on the ship, but as pp said, I'm sure they all stick together anyway. I only see pics he's tagged in or put up himself on Facebook, I wouldn't know who's married or not...

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 02/06/2016 11:34

Unfortunately I honestly think there's a very strong possibility that the only way you can stop enabling him is to end the relationship.

I know that sounds drastic but you can't force someone to think about you and your feelings.

If he is happy keeping you in the dark and doesn't feel any need to tell you what he's up to then he'll likely think he's having to 'check in' if you try and change the situation.

It sounds like he needs to change his whole approach and realise he's a married man with responsibilities but, if he can't see that himself I'm not sure there's much mileage in trying to make him see it.

MGFM · 02/06/2016 11:38

After three pages of comments you finally say it isn't Royal Navy. Is it RFA?

Original poster
mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 11:44

Guess I'll have to stay an unhappy enabler then, as I'm living in a military rental in an expensive area of a new (to us) country, which the (young) kids have just started to settle into. No chance of getting a job to fit in with school which would have a hope of paying any bills by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 11:49

MGFM - does it matter? My issue wasn't with which navy he is with. I'm sure you can understand not wanting to be potentially identified to any friends and aquaintances on here by giving too much away...that's the beauty of asking for advice and opinions from anonymous fellow posters...

OP posts:
Socksey · 02/06/2016 11:51

I would go with MGFM ... the wearing of the ring is not really the issue but the lack of contact is.
Personally I rarely wear my ring, my husband does. For me, I don't as I keep it in a safe place as it would be on and off (work and sports) so much that I would lose it. And if all my marriage was worth was a bit of gold metal, it wouldn't be worth much.
My OH, works abroad and I only see him once or twice a year but he does contact me almost daily for a chat, even if it's only for 5 mins.
We're together 22 years and have had our ups and downs but communication is the important thing. We've been doing long distance for about 15 of the 22 years. It can work but regular comms are important.

Bearbehind · 02/06/2016 11:53

Guess I'll have to stay an unhappy enabler then

That's so sad OP Flowers

That's probably part of why he behaves as he does though- he thinks you won't look for a way out.

I know nothing about what help you could get but their might be some military wives on here who can help you- there must be hundreds of women who think they have to put up with this shit but there must be options.

Discobabe · 02/06/2016 11:54

The ring by itself isn't a major issue, although the fact his crew mates know he's married is so irrelevant it's laughable. His lack of communication, teamed with the condom incident and lack of ring wearing IS an issue. Don't tolerate it. How long until he's home? You need to have a serious discussion about boundaries and expectations. Best done face to face imo although you could address the contact issues now and see how it goes for the rest of his time away. Do you trust him? Above all I say follow your instincts.

GoudyStout · 02/06/2016 11:58

My OH used to work overseas, back when satellite phone calls were an impossibly expensive option and before email was around (let alone social media). We had to rely on air mail letters, and even then there was no point writing half the time because the letters took forever to reach him. But we made the effort to write as much as we could, even if it was dull domestic stuff and the latest plot line on Corrie.

I wouldn't be so worried about the ring, but having to keep in touch with what he's up to by following his FB page is just ... wrong.

MGFM · 02/06/2016 12:06

It does matter as the access he has to phone or email will differ depending on what type of navy he is in. And I have said I think the problem isn't not wearing the ring but the lack of contact with you when he is away. I used to stay up after a 6 hour watch at 2 am to email my husband.

Original poster
mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 15:10

Leelu66 - yes, at that point he was ashore, phone had WiFi, which was lit up on messenger, therefore could get a reply at that point.

OP posts:
DailyMailYobos · 03/06/2016 01:37

mylaststraw I didn't mean to sound harsh to you but I do think your dh is playing you for a mug. He is disrespecting you in so many ways.

Fourarmsv2 · 03/06/2016 01:50

Not read the whole thread but my DH was banned from wearing his wedding ring at sea to prevent degloving.

seven201 · 03/06/2016 02:44

I'm a bit torn on this. My husband doesn't wear his wedding ring as he just is very anti jewellery. We got him a cheap one just for the ceremony. I was a bit miffed but he was really against it and I believe his reasons for not wanting to. Before getting pregnant I wore my rings 24hrs a day but since my fingers swelled up a few months in I've been sporadically wearing them on a chain around my neck. I tried to sleep with them on the chain but always felt a bit strangled. Over the months I gradually have been wearing them less and less. My point is that if he takes it off for work maybe he just doesn't see the need or remember to put on again for a day or so and sees it as a thing to do for when with you, his wife.

I can definitely see why you're worried though as it does sound like there is a lot of temptation around, especially with peer pressure added in and the previous condom incident. I know contact is incredibly hard in the military so maybe try and forget about it just for now (easier said than done) and then when he's back have a face to face conversation.

TheCrumpettyTree · 03/06/2016 03:11

I don't think the ring is the issue. If you want to cheat you'll do it regardless. You caught him taking a condom to a work meeting and he hardly contacts his family. Even if he's not cheating (I bet he is), he's a poor excuse for a husband and father.

Ericaequites · 03/06/2016 04:31

My father has been married for fifty-seven years. He started out as a mechanic, then became an auto dealer who raced semi professionally. He never wore a wedding ring, because of the danger when working on vehicles.

A wedding ring only keeps a man faithful if one puts it through his nose, attaches a short length of chain, and keep one hand on the chain at all times. Honor keeps people faithful.

DailyMailYobos · 03/06/2016 08:59

The 'not wearing his wedding ring' is really only one of many issues.

  1. He is going to what he is claiming to be "work meetings" with condoms.
  2. He is well able to party in bars and nightclubs and be on Facebook/social media but has minimum contact with his wife and children.
  3. He treats his wife as if she is a second class citizen.
  4. Op is very reliant on her dh because she lives in dh's work provided accommodation, has young dependent children, can't work outside the home so is reliant on her dh's income whom she hasn't seen in 5 months and is behaving like a "single" man who appears to have unofficially "checked out" of their marriage and family life.
Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 09:06

dailymail not sure why you've twice tried to restart this thread by pointing out what has already been said- I'm sure the OP is finding this pretty tough without posts summarising everything but not actually helping. Hmm

DailyMailYobos · 03/06/2016 09:31

Bearbehind Posters who haven't read the thread, keep talking about and think, it's about whether the op's dh is wearing his wedding ring or not. I was pointing out that there is more to it.
Stop trying to cause an argument where there isn't one.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 09:38

That was pointed out many times yesterday- the thread had died down yesterday but you saw fit to come back today and provide a synopsis which seems unnecessary.

DailyMailYobos · 03/06/2016 09:49

Bearbehind Stop trying to cause an argument where there isn't one.

Original poster
mylaststraw · 03/06/2016 10:07

Thx bearbehind :-).
DailyMailYobos - Would like to clarify at this point that the condom incident was on one occasion, a long time ago. There is often an inconvenient time difference with regards to phoning. I certainly don't think I am being treated as a second class citizen. Yes, sometimes he's snappy, but it's not constant. To be fair, we have been through a stressful year and no doubt I have also snapped back. I would agree with the first part of point 4, but feel it's a bit of a leap to say he has checked out of family life. In general he is a very good father when he is here. Unfortunately his work takes him away.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 10:34

No problem mylaststaw, I just found that summary post unnecessarily knife twisting as it seemed you'd left the thread anyway.

Having said that, you do seem to be minimising this. Being a good father when he's around doesn't give him carte blanche to do as he pleases the rest of the time, especially when that is the majority of the time.

In your shoes I really would try and gather as much information as possible on what your options are and, in the first instance, explain how you feel to your DH and see if anything changes.

Original poster
mylaststraw · 03/06/2016 10:55

Good advice. I'll definitely be thinking about that conversation we need to have in the remaining weeks before his return.
I'd not left the thread, have been very interested in the differing views and constructive advice offered here, especially from other wives in similar situations. I know I can't be the only one this happens to! Thanks for taking the time to read and post, it has helped me sort my head out a bit. :-)

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 03/06/2016 11:03

Sorry OP - I would be very suspicious if I were you. It certainly sounds like he's having lots of fun out there with very little interest in what's going on at home.

I was seeing a guy in the Marines once, we met on a night out and we were together for about 8 months, and the reason we broke up is because I found out he had a wife. During this time I had met and socialised with many of his male friends (all in the Marines too), who of course knew he was married but kept quiet and were lovely to me, they had no concerns about their mate cheating. And why should they?

Just because your DH's colleagues know he's married doesn't mean anything!

My friend was also in a relationship with a guy (non-forces) for about 6 months, socialised with all his mates, and then found out he had a girlfriend and two children (including a newborn).

Some male friendship groups are very much of the mentality of "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" so be aware of that.

I think you are already suspicious about what he's up to, rightly so, and so follow your gut instinct. If something feels "iffy" then it usually is.

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