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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my navy husband to wear his wedding ring

96 replies

mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 04:19

Mega pissed to realise (from many photos posted on facebook) that while away from home and living it up with his mates from the ship on their numerous runs ashore he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring. Might not be such a big thing really, but while he has been away for 5 months me and the kids have been struggling with the usual boring stuff , made more difficult by the fact that we moved countries less than a year ago and are only really starting to feel settled. Still haven't got friends or a social life to speak of, kids have had problems at school etc...Meanwhile, we get the rare phone call from him, usually while en route to the pub/bar/restaurant/day out in yet another exotic location. Emails are also rare, usually practical (eg, he asked me to have a look for something he thought he had left behind at home, and wanted to make sure it was there...). We only know what he's been doing by looking at updates on Facebook, having a great time by the looks of things. I realised yesterday that he hadn't got his wedding ring on, checked back in the other photos I can find, and realised he hasn't got it on in any photo. This includes pubs, nightclubs, days out, everything. Including the one of him very drunk in a bar which had poles in the background...?!? He popped up on messenger last night (out at a bar!) and when I asked him he said he had just forgotten to put it back on when leaving the ship. What? Every time?? That excuse can't cover the years worth of photos I looked at...He didn't apologise, but said that as it was obviously important to me he would try and remember to wear it. Wow, thanks! Such consideration!
I'm not complaining at the fact that he's having some time off, I'm sure they all work hard while on board, but it feels like he just about forgets about us while he's away ,and to me the missing ring was dismissive of me and our relationship, especially in the environments he visits. What do you think about it? Would you be annoyed??

OP posts:

shinynewusername · 02/06/2016 06:52

My DH hates wearing his wedding ring because he is convinced it is going to get caught in something and rip his finger off (in fairness to him, this did actually happen to a close friend of ours ).

If it is just the ring, OP, then I wouldn't assume the worse. But it sounds as if you have other doubts and the ring is just the last straw.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/06/2016 06:57

I hardly ever wear my wedding ring yet I'm still married. It's just a piece of jewellery!

DailyMailYobos · 02/06/2016 06:58

I would not be a happy bunny if he was my DH. I read your posts and I am
To me, it would be unacceptable behaviour, but you say he has been like that since you were dating so I guess it was not a problem for you until now?

Acornacorn · 02/06/2016 07:10

Thought I'd share my experience. My DH used to be in the RN too. He told me that he wouldn't be able to wear his wedding ring on ship for H&S reasons - and his role wasn't something like engineering. Perhaps that isn't true, but since he never went away on ship again (but did deploy to land based roles) after we married, he never took his ring off.

When he was away, he was Terrible at communicating. It really upset me. I would hear from him infrequently. He wouldn't call his mum or friends back home at all. Like pp said, I think he compartmentalised his life whilst he was away. My advice is to talk about how much contact you would both like - set both of your expectations clearly.
Are you getting the end of deployment blues? I always got really snappy towards the end. Just when I was feeling in the swing of things, it would be time for him to come home and disrupt my routine.
It sounds to me like you resent the time off he has. Can you get a babysitter and get some me time?
Being a military wife is hard sometimes.

Original poster

mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 07:14

Thanks for all the comments and support..
DailyMailYobos - no, he's not been like that since we were dating, he wasn't in the navy when we met, and I caught him out on the occasion mentioned. As for removing his ring, it is his choice to do so, but I can understand the degloving aspect of it as a valid reason to do that. It appears he has been removing it for a number of deployments and forgetting to put it back on while ashore...
What does upset me is that we seem to be an afterthought when he gets his free time. Contributing to his forgetting his ring, perhaps. I'm not saying we would always be available to chat, you know what life is like with kids, but given the amount of time WiFi is available it would be nice for him to check in more often, so we knew he was thinking of us. We can't phone when they are at sea, and unless he let's me know (or I see it on Facebook!) I never know when he's ashore...

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 02/06/2016 07:15

He had in the past mentioned a few things others had got up to, but of course he was always really well behaved

A rose between so many thorns. How convenient that it is him that is the well behaved one.

branofthemist · 02/06/2016 07:17

Personally I rarely wear my wedding ring and more often that not forget to put it on.

But i don't think that's really the issue here. It's how he treats you generally.

I suspect if he made more of an effort to stay in touch etc, the wedding ring situation wouldn't bother you so much.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 02/06/2016 07:59

If I was in your shoes I would worry too especially about him not putting his ring back on when he went out. After showering I assume he puts his watch back on so why not the ring too? It gives the impression that he's trying to look 'single' even if he's well behaved compared to others. As you are apart for much of the time it's bound to make you feel insecure and suspicious. The condom incident certainly doesn't help. You def need to talk.

DailyMailYobos · 02/06/2016 07:59

He had time to go to bars and nightclubs, but not to ring home tof speak tof his wifeand children. He is carrying condoms to "work meetings" (which he still took with him, even after you pointed it out to him). He treats you as if you are inferior. If this is how he treats his wife, I would hate to see how he would treat the OW. I'm not saying there is an OW but his treatment of you, his Wife and Mother of his Children, is rubbish.

I think it is time to set him straight. I am appalled that you let him, or anybody, treat you so badly.

MGFM · 02/06/2016 08:06

He can call you when he is at sea though!

babynail · 02/06/2016 08:44

He's definitely cheating on you.

Original poster

mylaststraw · 02/06/2016 08:46

Actually DailyMailYobos, I didn't point it out to him before he went, I only realised after he had gone, and spoke to him when he got back. I'm sure you don't need to be appalled I'm 'letting him treat me like that', what would you be doing in this situation?? It's a bit hard to reconcile a problem in such circumstances (which only happened yesterday, remember)... Contact is difficult, and the ship regularly has periods when ppl are not able to even email. Not sure you can phone while at sea.

OP posts:

Toomanymarsbars · 02/06/2016 08:53

You're completely right when you say he's representing himself as being single. My husband works abroad a lot, and he says a lot of the guys will take off their wedding rings when going out to bars so they can more easily flirt with random women etc. Unfortunately, though the crew know they're married, this doesn't make a lick of difference to some. He said he's seen men take women back to their hotel rooms, get back on board the plane the next day and happily greet their poor inspecting wives and husbands (& sometimes kids :( )the very next day. It's disgusting.

By not wearing his wedding ring, your husband does not want women to know he's married. There's only one reason for that.

Toomanymarsbars · 02/06/2016 08:53

*unsuspecting

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 08:57

Why do these threads always focus on the trivial stuff instead of the real problems? Your DH is having a great old time while you are stuck with the kids and domestic stuff in a new country. Thats the problem, who cares if he wears a ring or not?
Either you think he is going to cheat on you (or has already) or not. Wearing a token of ownership isn't going to make any difference at all.

MrsJayy · 02/06/2016 09:00

Been married 20odd years and Dh hardly wears his wedding ring it never bothered me even when hes out with the boys but this is bothering you I think you are resentful of his life which is fair enough I wouldnt want to be stuck at home with 2 kids while it seemed dh was having a geat time .

exWifebeginsat40 · 02/06/2016 09:03

life on board a ship is tough - and very rigid in its rules and regulations. i only have experience based on the cruise industry...and a lot goes on when on board that isn't intended to be known by loved ones ashore.

that said, if your husband is sharing photos etc of nights out you probably really don't have much to worry about. the relationships that officers etc had on board were with other crew (usually of a different nationality) and it was a disaster if anyone back home found out so secrecy was key. it doesn't sound as if your husband is trying to hide anything. if it's Royal Navy onboard and shoreside conduct will be very important. merchant navy not so much.

you need to have a proper talk about how this ring business makes you feel. probably best to do it during a leave period face to face.

Theoretician · 02/06/2016 10:13

I've been married 20 years. I haven't worn my ring since the wedding. Don't like wearing it, it's uncomfortable. I don't wear a watch either. Find the concept (both rings and watches) a bit old-fashioned. When the price of gold was high I even considered selling the ring so it wasn't lying around wasting space in my sock drawer. (DW did veto the sale, though she didn't seem hugely bothered by the idea.)

TutanKaDashian · 02/06/2016 10:21

Having been married to a matelot, I am afraid that I too would be suspicious. If he wanted people to know he was married then he would wear his ring with pride, for some reason he isn't wearing it. 'What happens in the mess, stays in the mess' They all stick up for each other and there's a lot of encouragement from others let alone opportunity when away. Sorry.

Bearbehind · 02/06/2016 10:25

I didn't point it out to him before he went, I only realised after he had gone, and spoke to him when he got back

Oh my days- are you really saying you husband took a condom to a work meeting and didn't bring it back but you acceptednhis explanation that he just threw it away whilst he was gone

Having said that, I guess he probably did throw it away- after he'd used it.

I know it's tough to hear but this man is not treating you like his wife, I couldn't live like that- I honestly can't believe you sometimes only find out he's ashore from Facebook.

The chances that he is not/ has not cheated are slim to none if you know nothing of his life whilst he's away- stop enabling it.

MyNewBearTotoro · 02/06/2016 10:27

I'd be very worried about what he was doing whilst away. No doubt those men have a code, 'what happens on the navy tour stays on the navy tour' so I wouldn't trust his mates to be the voice of reason in reminding him he's a married man.

Are any of them married? Do they wear their rings as far as you can tell in the photos?

MGFM · 02/06/2016 10:28

I have called my friend in New York using my allocated minutes at sea. Every ship has a welfare phone and on every deployment everyone gets 30 mins a week. At xmas you get an extra 15 mins something like that. There are occasions when communications are stopped. These are few and far between. My husband in 4 years on his last ship had a few periods every now and then when he would lose email due to their tasking but it really wasn't that often. I lost email at sea when we carrying out sensitive tasking but again really not that frequent. For example a ship deployed to the Caribbean or to the Falklands would be highly unlikely to have their emails shut down. In the Arabian gulf - potentially but not that frequent. If he has told you he can't call at sea he is lying.

Purplepicnic · 02/06/2016 10:49

Did he join up after you were married or before?

If before, was he always like this? Little contact, speaking down to you etc.?

Bearbehind · 02/06/2016 10:55

purple OP said he wasn't in the navy when they met.

Personally I think he set his stall out then. To me it's quite different choosing to sign up once in a relationship to already being in the forces when you meet someone but then I'm not cut out to be a forces wife anyway.

leelu66 · 02/06/2016 11:12

So this happened yesterday and you were to email/call him and get a response as well from him? That's pretty quick. Are you sure contact is as difficult as he says it is?

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