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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "lets go out for your birthday" should focus on the preferences of the birthday person?

34 replies

Babyjanesbabysister · 02/06/2016 00:02

I am not a big birthday person. I dont expect the world to stop because I got another year older. However, I was invited out by a friend tonight to celebrate my birthday (which was actually last week but tonight was the only night we could both make) and it was clear that she had a plan based around what she wanted to do.

I have IBS so I cant eat certain foods and she booked a "surprise" meal at a restaurant she loves but she knows I cant eat at. Imagine going to a French place and reacting badly to garlic or a Mexican and being allergic to chilli. Then the drinks afterwards were are a bar that specialises in a certain type of drink that again gives me a bad IBS reaction.

I felt quite tearful, which I know is a OTT reaction, but I had made a real effort thinking that tonight was (for once) just what I wanted to do and it clearly wasnt.

I wouldnt have cared if there had been no invite, no birthday night out, but she made out that it was for my birthday and then it wasnt. I even bought something special to wear. When it is her birthday then it is all about her and what she wants, yet tonight it was about....her and what she wanted.

I was home v early having eaten next to nothing and drunk OJ after thinking of steak and fizz :( She has the hump that I came home early.

AIBU and precious?

PS namechanged just in case

OP posts:
ParanoidGynodroid · 02/06/2016 00:05

YANBU. Your friend is a self-centred twat.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 00:09

Thank you. She has form for being self centered. But when you need her she will be there for you, so it seems churlish to get snotty about something like tonight.

But I was so excited, it meant a lot and then when I realised that actually my birthday was just an excuse for her to go out and do what she wanted, it really did upset me. And then that made me cross with myself for being so wet! But I dont get many (any) nights out that are just what I want to do and thinking tonight would be one but then realising that it wasnt really did upset me.

Greenyogagirl · 02/06/2016 00:12

My mum always buys me chocolate cake on my birthday. I'm allergic to chocolate.

ParanoidGynodroid · 02/06/2016 00:14

Eek, you do realise that you namechanged back, OP?

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 00:14

green that fucking sucks. I do a good line in non allergic non faddy eater (me!) birthday cakes. Happy to send you one :)

I am lucky that my mum is great about birthdays, although that may well be because she has had some stunningly terrible ones thanks to my dad :(

In fact I cant tell her about tonight as she will probably be more gutted than I am!

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 00:15

No I didnt Paranoid (apt name!). Probably too late now but thanks Blush

Greenyogagirl · 02/06/2016 00:19

Every single year, bloody chocolate cake! It's February so a while to wait but yes please Grin
I'd text her and say 'thanks so much for tonight it was so thoughtful I'm sorry I left early but I can't eat .... Or drink ..... I really thought you knew!'

Pinkheart5915 · 02/06/2016 00:19

Yanbu. Birthday teat ( ie going out) should be birthday persons preference

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 00:24

She did know, and made me out to be a PITA when I clearly wasnt happy.

She knew why I went home early, but will still make it out to be me being precious :(

Green PM me your address and allergies in Jan and a cake will be on its way, I do mean it!

Greenyogagirl · 02/06/2016 00:29

Aww that's so sweet Grin

She doesn't sound like a friend tbh xx

PurpleRainDiamondsandPearls · 02/06/2016 00:30

Of course YANBU. She's a massive bitchplop (my autocorrect wanted that to be bitchplopwankbadger Shock [grin) btw!) to do that, especially as it gives you a horrible reaction. It's not as if you're fussy and actually, even if you were, it's your damn birthday.

Here's an IBS friendly Cake.

Foslady · 02/06/2016 00:36

I was asked if I wanted to go somewhere As a birthday treat. Wasn't something I'd have been bothered about but seeing as they'd asked did I fancy it as a treat said yes. 2 days later I was asked for the ticket money.......and then the same amount again for a taxi. Half my weekly shopping bill for a night out I wasn't bothered about before I bought a drink because she fancied it.......and I'm on the lowest income of our group...

Foslady · 02/06/2016 00:37

So yes - she's a twat and ChocolateWineCakeFlowers from me - all IBS friendly ones!

TendonQueen · 02/06/2016 00:39

That is crappy. You do need to call her on it though 'You know I can't eat from that venue. Afraid it's just not going to work' and repeat repeat. Don't let her do this again without challenging it.

NoCakeLeft · 02/06/2016 00:44

I'd be walking out of the restaurant as soon as I realised I can't eat anything. You should've done just that.
Wasting my time on watching someone enjoying their meal and drink while I can't eat or drink - not quite a birthday entertainment I would choose.

YANBU, she's a selfish twat.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 00:46

Belated happy birthday! Wine

YANBU. It's odd how regularly it happens. DH's DM always buys him items he can't eat or drink. He has had allergies for over 20 years. It's as though she just doesn't care. I can't tell whether she forgets because she's such a narcissist that she can't possibly remember anything about someone else (even her own DC!). Or whether it's some veiled criticism ie implying she doesn't quite believe it. . . Anyway your 'friend' sounds similar which means she's not much of a friend.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 01:05

I just think that she didnt care. I did make the point about being able to eat or drink much that was on offer but she didnt seem to care, in fact she was insisting we should stay for "one more" drink, which is when I said no and went home.

Thanks, I was beginning to feel I had BU. Now just feel a bit sad and stupid for making an effort for "my" night out when it clearly wasnt.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 01:07

about not being able to eat or drink....

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:14

Could you arrange another night out with a different friend? It's a shame to waste your new clothes. You and them deserve a better night!

MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:34

When I was due to celebrate a big birthday, there were plans being made for a night out. A few days before I was chatting with two friends, one bossy and overbearing but an old friend who also has many good points, and one who couldn't make the night out. The one who couldn't come asked where we were going to go, I said 'Probably start at X pub, then stay local'. Overbearing Friend snapped 'Errrr, no we are not!' then said we'd be heading into town to drink in her favoured, overpriced bars. I just thought 'Fuck you!' and it put me off her for a long while tbh. (There was a distinctly frosty atmosphere when I said 'Errrr whose birthday is it anyway?').

Bogeyface its not surprising you feel crap. Don't let her make this about you and what you've supposedly done wrong. She's been a crap friend.

ArmfulOfRoses · 02/06/2016 01:47

Some 'friends' organised me a leaving do when I went on maternity leave at 8.5 months pg.

The meal was lovely but they were most put out I didn't fancy clubbing in a town 45 miles away afterwards.
Like actually pissy with me Hmm

People are twats, happy birthday Flowers

TheWernethWife · 02/06/2016 10:10

My partner is taking me to a nice French restaurant for my birthday - my day, my choice.

GeezAJammyPeece · 02/06/2016 12:02

YANBU , it's not only common courtesy but common sense that the venue is either of the birthday girl or boy! 's choice, or somewhere they would like. Choosing somewhere serving cuisine that they can't eat or won't enjoy is selfish & thoughtless.

I second the idea of planning a dinner date with another friend, getting dolled up and having a lovely time!

I 'celebrate' a big birthday next week. It's the same day that pandemonium ensues at work (carefully planned 3day event but will be noneless traumatic!) DS has a prior engagement and OH will need to work late. They have promised me a swanky meal at a later date. I'm hoping in-laws don't come; not because I don't love them (which I do) but because if they do, we'll end up at the same Chinese Buffet as we always do its nice and all, but would like a change!

myownprivateidaho · 02/06/2016 12:18

Why did you not say that you couldn't eat at that restaurant? I would have thought she thought you'd be able to find something on the menu. I can't really imagine what kind of restaurant would be worse for an ibs sufferer - perhaps she is just not as familiar with your needs as you think? As for the bar again I don't really get what kind of drink would be worse for an ibs sufferer and can't imagine a bar that doesn't serve a range of drinks. What do you normally drink and how come they didn't have it? I think she probably doesn't realise how restricted you are and felt like you were making an excuse.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 12:39

ITs hard to describe the set up but imagine a vodka bar where you are allergic to vodka and the only other options are soft drinks, it was kind of like that. Its a very specialised place. Same with the restaurant, one of the basic ingredients in that type of cuisine is one that gives me a lot of pain (and the runs ...tmi) so thats why I ended up with salad and no dressing.