AIBU to think I wasn't rude?

[lalalalyra]

I have a 3 week old baby so I'm aware I may be being a bit hormonal, but I'm seriously tempted to put my foot down over a friendship Ds2 (8yo) has because I'm growing to really dislike the child's mother.

I'm 38, I have 6 children from 17-3 weeks. So far I've managed not to kill, maim, permanantly misplace or seriously traumatise any of them - the teens are a bit iffy atm as they found my teenage Greece holiday photos in a box last week and apparently seeing your clearly drunk mother on a bucking bronco in a club is 'sooooo sad and embarassing' but I'm sure they'll get over it. My kids are happy and healthy and I've working fucking hard to make sure my issues with my parents (they were neglectful and abusive so I ended up being brought up by my grandparents from 7) don't impact them negatively in any way.

DS has a new friend. New friend's mother is a counsellor. Someone else (I'm not sure who and I'll be having words when I find out) has mentioned to her that I'm seeing a counsellor atm after a massive fallout with my siblings when our father died. New friend's mother has taken to commenting on every single decision I make about DS and what he's allowed or not allowed to do and trying to analyse it in terms on my past. I see her every day at the moment when I take DS to playscheme, once school is back I'll see her twice a week at activities. I won't see her at the school gate as DS walks himself - a decision I've apparently made as seeing children being met at the gate by their parents is obviously painful for me as I was never met at the gate by mine.

I've said to her twice that I don't dwell on the past. I've also said twice, politely, that I would never mix social crowd with counselling so I'm quite happy with my own counsellor, but she's still going on. Everything is a thing and today the boys asked if they could go to an adventure place after the playscheme. I said no because it's the kind of place we'd go as a family if we were going and we'd done something DS wanted to do yesterday so today I'd promised DD3 we'd do feet painting. This apparently (because yesterday's choice by DS was at home) suggests that I'm nervous about my children being around strangers and I lack confidence. I, admittedly rather abruptly, told her I didn't lack confidence, I just don't feel the need to say yes to everything DS asks and I'd rather she stopped trying to analyse me when she knows nothing about me or my past. We then left as I didn't want to discuss it any further and I didn't want a scene at playscheme because I'm actually the chairperson.

She's mentioned to a committee member that she's concerned about me because it's not like me to be rude! I'm now bloody livid. Any suggestions of polite, but firm ways to tell her to back the fuck off? I've enough on my plate as DH goes back to work next week and that means he's away for 10 days and my new HV is humming and hawwing about 'lack of support' even though I'm fine, baby is thriving and my PIL are a great support and 5 minutes away. I get that people are nice, but no-one was bloody concerned when I was on crutches and barely able to walk with SPD and had 5 kids, I've now got the ability to walk and a newborn who luckily has taken to BFing like a dream and is considerably less work than the pain of SPD!

Congratulations on your baby.

As you have already let her know you don't mix school-gate friendships with counselling, it's unwelcome and yes, inappropriate.
Surely she can resist the temptation to analyse and try observing instead?

This is not being rude this is your justifiable objection to being treated like a client.

Ask her if she talks about her clients to others too.

Agreed with pps she's inappropriate and unethical, and her regulatory body would be very interested.
You could shorten the text, I would definitely leave off the last sentence. You don't have to satisfy her you're ok.
If the response isn't an apology and backing off, report her.

Be blunt.

"Your behaviour and insistence on giving your opinion where it's neither needed nor wanted is inappropriate and unprofessional. I don't want to have to report you but I will without hesitation if you continue to cross boundaries."

What a weirdo!

I suggest you include the phrase 'inappropriate outside the frame of a client/therapist relationship' in your request for her to stop.

If she doesn't, ask for her accrediting body and registration number. (That's DefCon 5 but keep it in your back pocket )

How about "I really enjoy spending time with you as another parent and as a friend. I am sorry if I have made you too aware of some very personal stuff but please could you step back because your role as counsellor is making me feel uncomfortable. I don't want my counsellor to be my friend and I don't want my friend to be my counsellor. I think it's best to keep it that way and make sure we all stay within our professional and social boundaries. I didn't mean any offence and value your friendship. Look forward to seeing you next week. Lala

CONGRAGULATIONS

I would think she is new to counselling and one of those people who probably did a brief course and has no idea about what being a counsellor means and has no idea about boundaries.

I would make that very clear. She is not your counsellor and if she feels that she is in a position to publicly comment on your behaviour or parenting then she is very wrong indeed. She sounds 'new', lacking in skills and very naive.

I'm a MH professional of twenty years with qualifications and training in different therapies. I go out of my way to not tell associates what I do for a living because it always results in people asking my opinion about them, their Dad or child or whatever and I would never give an opinion on someone I am not working with. It is completely unprofessional and I have my professional integrity to think of let alone my membership of governing bodies.

As an aside - I don't recoil at all by people using 'inappropriate' because it is essentially a meaningless term which will vary from person to person. If someone says that to me in therapy, I have to ask them to explicitly explain what they mean.

I'm a bit jaded by that term though as it's overused and I get really frustrated by it being used as a 'catch all'.

It might work on someone who doesn't really know what they're doing though (as this person sounds)!

Maybe thank her for her concern, and apologise that she thinks you were rude to her (note this isn't an apology for being rude!) and explain that you have a strong support network to help with any issues you have. However, you should absolutely go on to state that she is being incredibly inappropriate to think that it is acceptable to have such conversations in public, and you and your husband partner are quite happy, confident and comfortable with the decisions you are taking in relation to your children. I'd explain that whilst lovely to talk with her, you will not be engaging in discussions about your emotional well being or issues with your past. This isn't an apology or an opening for further discussion but a way to set ground rules if you want a friendship to continue. If your not bothered, tell her to f-off and you will report her!

Congrats on the baby too. I would also be blunt with the hv. Sucking eggs seems a phrase you could use, then ask for a more sensible hv.

I agree with the suggestions of threatening her you'll report her inappropriateappropriate behavior. However I'd also be tempted to do the same to her, and offer irritating, offensive, and far fetched analysis on everything she says and does. 'Ooh, wearing loose trousers today, does that stem from your insecurity your legs are too fat/ too thin, and the low self esteem that so many aesthetically challenged people like yourself suffer from?' 'I see you can't say no to your child, that is because you fear deep down that if you don't pander to your ds he'll see you for the ignorant and self important twat you are, and avoid you like everyone else does' 'I realise you need an awful lot of practice before you become any use as a counsellor, but please abstain from practicing on me until you have at least mastered basic every day social skills. You cunt'

Some great advice on here with 50shades being the cherry on top!
Congratulations on your baby, family and just getting on with life.
She sounds a lonely inadequate, and the rest!

Next time calmly and quietly tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and completely unprofessional and you will report her to her governing body if there is any reoccurrence.

I like this.

How you describe her puts me in mind of my batshit relative, who is - God save her clients - actually a qualified psychologist and counseller.

She doesn't live abroad and offer hypnotic gastric bypasses, does she?

I would add to your message "My own counsellor is concerned that your constant "analysis" is unhelpful and potentially harmful to my well-being and your own professional integrity, therefore I think it is both our interests for you to stop. I would also add that if you continue to discuss this with others I will report you to the relevant professional body"

Christ she sounds awful. Definitely send her that message. She needs to back the fuck off.

Agree with PP and particularly 50shadesofTom. I wonder if this woman is even properly qualified.... I'm a psychologist and no MH professional I know would behave like that. What an odd way to behave. Seriously inappropriate!

Congratulations on your little baby, too.

I've shortened the text to say (it's a reply to her question, hence starting with actually) - Actually X I find the way you are constantly trying to analyse me both uncomfortable and inappropriate. I've politely requested several times that you stop as I don't believe that counsellors should be aquaintances and vice-versa, not to mention that you cannot possibly begin to analyse anything about me accurately when you know nothing except a gossipy tidbit from another parent. I found you doing it again today in front of the children, and at playscheme were I do so much work and where so many people could easily have heard, extremely inapropriate.

Thank you for the congrats on the baby. She's adorable, although I am a little biased. DS2 is still a bit miffed that she's a girl as he wanted another boy to even out the girls, but he's coming round to her. She doesn't cry as much as DD3 did so she's "not that bad".

is this person a proper counsellor or has she done a 6 week course. If she is fully qualified and regulated by the BACP you need to let them know.

I'd leave off the last paragraph. Let her know you mean business.

But then, I'm a bitch.

I agree with all the PP who say she is probably newly qualified, full of her new knowledge and not yet fully aware of the importance of boundaries. Any text or quiet word mentioning your concerns about blurred boundaries between private and professional life,/inappropriate/ unethical should shut her up.

Correct the spelling and it's fine.
A confident counsellor wouldn't be doing this. Her desire to always be right and the one with all the answers and explanations makes her seem a bit needy.

I'd shorten it to 'fuck off, you sad cow' and then blame post-baby hormones.

verybitchy I think the last paragraph (about the baby) was to us posters, not the Inappropriate Woman.

Great text OP. One of the first things you learn on a counselling course is who you can and cannot enter into a counselling relationship with. Given your previous acquaintance with this person she would never be in a position, ethically, to form this relationship with you. I agree with the previous poster who said she's probably done a short course, and now thinks she's now Sigmund Freud.

If you take out the counselling bit she's basically a school mum who's snooping and probing into your past, giving you unsolicited (and bullshit) advice, talking about you to and in front of others. She's beyond rude, so don't worry that you seem rude by confronting her, you're not. Everybody else probably thinks wtf about her as well.

Text sent, now ignore on repeat. Oh, and your kids sound fab.

She sounds awful, a real doom & gloom merchant