DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

I believe that peoplr can chsnge.

I don't believe that this guy has changed.

He's the same selfish bastard now as he was back then and will continue to do what it takes to get whatever it is he wants.

I think you're right Doin

If it was me, I'd want the full details, I'd want to know about the dead ex and want to see sadness and remorse, not brushing it under the carpet "its in the past etc"

YABU. I agree with Haggisfish. Everyone has a past. I would want to tell someone, but I know that's just me and not everyone is as open. He's clean and wanted to put this part of his past behind him. It was a decade ago & unless you've seen weird behavior that might make you think he's continued to have a drug problem, I'd respect his privacy and let his past stay in the past.

Although I have changed my mind slightly on reading the rest of the thread!

Doinitfine

I don't believe that this guy has changed.

On what are you basing that??

He has 10 years as a model husband and father, that is probably more than some of the non crack addicted husbands on here have managed. Without knowing the exact circumstances it is all pie in the sky...

"Just because you admit that an addictive substance is in play does not mean that you are absolving someone of moral responsibility. It just means that the situation is slightly different in volitional terms."

No, it doesn't.

It means that you did something because your inhibitions were lowered or altered but you hold as much personal responsibility as someone who never took that substance if you took it with consent. There's no way around it, no matter how traumatised you are or were or what colours you were seeing. You don't get to minimise it in any way because of the chemical effects of the drug. You are 100% AS personally responsible as anyone who never ever let a drug past their mouth when you behave criminally on drugs.

I appreciate that for people who have been addicted they want desperately to believe it "wasn't them" and they didn't choose those behaviours but that's not how a civil society operates. Huge numbers of people are physically, sexually and emotionally violated by addicts and nearly ALL recovery programmes need addicts to recognise that there there can be NO excusing of these types of moral transgressions, no matter what road brought you to using.

That doesn't mean that past trauma is someone's fault or that people can't be rehabilitated. But it's not either/or, it's both/and. Addicts need to wholeheartedly come to terms with the immoral and hurtful behaviour they engaged in and even if they can see that it arose in the context of a learning history where they themselves were subject to immortal and hurtful behaviour, it remains their responsibility.

The rest of it is just bullshit, frankly. There is no "volitional" difference. If someone is raped, they are raped. If someone ends up dead, they are as dead if the person was drunk or drugged as if they weren't. It is a massive cop out and also frankly incredibly disrespectful to all the addicted people who DON'T do these things and all the people from traumatic backgrounds who DON'T do these things to even hint that it is diminished responsibility. Addiction is not mental illness of the type that allows such a case to be made (neither, as it so happens, are most mental illnesses).

If OP sticks it out with this guy, she needs to stick it out with him knowing fully that the drugs cannot excuse or explain beating someone up. It doesn't "go with the territory" in the way you are making out. Yes a lot of addicted people are violent, but that's because a lot of addicted people have a propensity to violence (as we all do to one degree or another) and they have taken large quantities of mind-altering substances. 100% their responsibility. No get out clause.

I am close to someone who has twice come off of gphard drugs, heroin the first time and then a Coke habit a few years later. The Coke habit cost a thousand a week, it was serious. He came off in a matter of a few weeks and in a year was again behaving like the good person he was. The impetus for stop Coke was a friend dying and his partner leaving with their young son. That was 15 years ago. He has been both clean since and an exemplary father.

His behaviour while coked up was reckless but did not involve violence against anyone. His recklessness was more about his own life than others. I have spoken to him about this thread. His comment was that being severely depressed was no excuse for being abusive, neither was a cocaine addiction. Partial explanations are not excuses. He says that even at his worst he had a element of choice.

So what am I saying; yes it is possible to change but also that there was an element of autonomy in his choices even when coked. I am all about forgiveness no seexond chances, I am not about letting so many deceitful acts over the past ten years going unquestioned. OP you are not in the wrong and if you want to talk through things in more detail to help you understand he should be doing anything that will help.

I was wondering, OP....back at the beginning you said that your OH had mentioned 'Bob' in passing a couple of times. So what was/is the deal there? They'd shared approx 2 years together doing stuff in N.Y., did that friendship just stop when your OH came back to the UK? How long has Bob been over here, and have they had contact with each other over the years, do you know, given that they've certainly got mutual UK friends? Just curious..

Did anyone read Citizensmith1's post? It sounded like they knew OP's husband and it was rather ominous.

anon yes. Intriguing. But could also be a drama llama.

Doin & Fusion still speaking absolute sense.

anonacfr, just seen your post. Sorry if it came across that I know OP's husband - just to clarify I don't.

Some of the things the OP said about her husband reminded me very much of my ex (who is nothing to do with OP or her husband). He told me early on he had a terrible childhood, had been into hard drugs & done things he was ashamed of but he had changed and was nothing like that anymore. Some of his past had also included being violent to an ex & being accused of rape which he strenuously denied.

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance and that included him - he looked like he completely turned his life around. Like the OP the only thing that annoyed me was his jealousy. Only when I was in too deep that I realised he hadn't changed, and had probably raped before because that's what he did to me. Among other things that I can't go into because they are quite specific and could identify me. I realised he learnt how to pretend to show remorse. I think he's an undiagnosed psychopath.

From the way OP described what her husband's responses were sent chills down my spine, I've heard that shit before that's why I don't think it sounds like he's changed. What she was saying reminded me of me when I wanted to give my ex a second chance after he started being abusive to me. That's why I hope she has some time apart from him and thinks really clearly.

gingergenie I wouldn't describe the experience I had with my ex as a drama. It was horrific, a nightmare and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I hope OP is ok but I fear she'll only be really ok if she leaves him and doesn't look back.

citizensmith, I went back a couple of pages and re-read your post. To me, it seemed you were writing about your experiences with your own ex, rather than OPs, but that's what writing on the internet does, eh? We all put our own interpretation on the words we read

I'm pleased to read that you walked away and that you're OK now

OP! You titled this thread with "am I being unreasonable to want to separate?" For the record, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to give this serious consideration.

momamum thank you, it took quite a few years to get over the damage he did. I think that's why I came back tonight to see if OP had written an update, her post really disturbed me cos of the similarities. It took me back in time to a shitty old place I'd never go back to.

I just hope OP is ok.

I used to post regularly on the Women's Aid forum and it saved my sanity because we were nearly all with someone that looked so charming and respectable IRL that no-one could believe would hurt or rape his wife - we all had experience of women IRL refusing to believe we'd been raped and that we'd cried wolf and made it up because our partners were great fathers/on the school PTA/responsible. So OP's husband's dead GF who I'm not speculating was killed by him, but is dead and can't say what happened to her. Just because she was high on drugs why does that make her less credible? It makes me really, really pissed off.

Anyway I'm rambling. I think I'm going to leave this thread here because like I said it's reminding me of a place in my own life that was the lowest of the low and I just want to forget!

citizen you may have left the thread and not seen the I've left for you but they're still sincerely sent, along with best wishes for your better life to go on, and on, and on.

MerryMarigold
I am in shock and and stayed in a state of shock for three weeks. Literally three weeks of my mind racing not even recognising him. Still don't really recognise him but I'm getting better and see him being so closed as trauma and shame of the person he used to be. That story the other poster shared made me throw up

Citizensmith1 for you and for me. This thread had changed my life and my marriage and I'm not being dramatic. The insight and sharing of experiences has been amazing/ burdening. Yesterday I decided I would stick by my husband and see him as a reformed ex drug user (and I do) but still feel sick and not right. I believe him but cant get rid of that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The trust is gone isn't it?

and no update as I said he won't talk about it but said he will wait for me to come to terms with what I've learned.
For those asking about Bob, he is just someone DH occasionally did coke with in NY. I don't want to give too much away but he did a grad scheme that attracted a lot of young expats from the UK and Bob was one of them.

You literally threw up?

Windsofwinter Yes. Made me sick. I know this is an internet forum but I've read some very unsettling things on here. I believe DH but when trust is broken theres a tiny window for what if. Now that window is tiny but the what if is huge.

On a practical note, when about to throw up, it is always better to be faced with a huge window than a tiny one.

Your trust has been broken. That's a big thing. Of course you need time to think it through and make sure there's nothing further he needs to reveal. An addiction in the past has relevance for the present and you were not given that information when you signed up to trust your life and children with him. Take your time and I hope you resolve it with him.

Oh crap just read the thread fully. Sorry OP but you're minimising and this is horrifying.