DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

EveryoneElsie Some people like rough sex? This is what I mean there are so many questions where the fuck do I start hence why I am reeling and can't even look at him.
How rough is rough?
Is he in a position to say he did or didn't since they were high?
Is she in a position to say he did or didn't because they were high?
Why did she only start screaming rape when he denied her crack?
Why the fuck am I questioning my husband of 7 years who I adored 3 weeks ago?

Did he come from the East Coast, OP? Did he make you any promises?

limitedperiodonly English got a grad scheme after uni on east coast parents leased an apartment for him thats all i know he ever ever speaks of his time there ever I didn't see an issue with that I never talk about my life in Birmingham for example

It's really hard when you discover that a mild mannered man has a history of violence.

DaveCamoron I don't know I'm starting to feel sick. it's just not sitting well with me. theres something not right about everything that isn't even necessarily about the madness that finished the relationship. Are you telling me no one knows? Are you telling me that despite this girl having a family he walked out of this with no one on his side knowing a thing?

Yes could be paranoia.

Take some time to think OP, I wouldn't be making any major decisions but I think I would need to have a temp separation, just to get my head around it all.

People do change, can do horrible things and then turn into good people, most of us must believe this as we let people come out of prison etc and hope that they are 'reformed' . But there does need to be remorse and regret etc.

What you need to get your head around is whether he has changed and feels bad about what happened, remorseful, upset about the ex and the things he did OR his attitude is more "phew, was lucky I got through that unscathed, unfortunate circs but at least I am healthy and happy now with new life, can forget about all that".

I couldn't live with someone who had the 2nd attitude.
Wishing you well

going to ask DH following:

Who knows and be honest
Why didn't you tell me something so serious
Explain the day you beat her as honestly as you can
What support have you received since getting clean.

Really bowing out now. I can't hide behind laptop and ignore DH.

Just to be clear, I probably have not been articulating myself properly but DH didn't kill her nor rape her I believe him. But I just smell a rat about the whole situation thats all. The rat could be about anything. Maybe his dad knows. Maybe some other horrid stuff happened that he has omitted. maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe. I just know this isn't everything because I know my husband. He is telling me I know everything but I don't believe him.

All sorts of assumptions being made here about the murderer, rapist Dh. Also the victim ex girlfriend. She may have been from a similar background to the dh, who knows, not some poor prostitute injected with drugs. Let's not forget if he made a lot of bad choices so did she, and got him into harder stuff. Also the dh confessed the rape ALLEGATIONS and the violence. This is not something someone would do if they were guilty. He could have said him and Bob did lots of coke together. End of. But he did tell a lot, and I think he's being truthful otherwise it's a big can of worms to open if there's even more.

I think I would process your thoughts away from MN tbh. I am not shocked that he didn't tell you about this.

Windsofwinter Tongue in cheek ffs of course he didn't kill her god no

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. You are definately not unreasonable to expect to know about his past. Likewise he is not necessarily being unreasonable to have blocked off something traumatic.

It sounds like an absolutely terrifying time for him. I can imagine that the problem was that it was too difficult to tell early on and then it just became something he feared to tell you. If he has struggled with it then it may be that he legitimately just tried to block it all and pretend it never happened. It's not the right way to deal but is how some people cope. A lot of people who have been abused hide it all away like this. Pretend it didn't happen, move away and never speak of it again.

I would imagine he never expected it to come out so was scared of shattering your lives together over something that happened so long ago. I would say it's a good thing that whilst he first tried to dismiss it he then told you everything with very little prompting. He does clearly trust you with this information which let's face it is horrible and could blow apart everything.

I think the only way forward is for you both to get some help to deal with this. It sounds like he needs some help to face his past rather then blocking it off and hoping it never effects him. You will need some help to deal with this knowledge.

I think there is a way through if you keep talking to each other and get some extra help as well if you can. Now is the time he needs to get it all out. The only way you can get past this is facing it together. You both need to be honest. He needs to own hiding the truth from you and apologize for that. He also needs to let you feel mad, confused, angry and whatever else you need to feel to deal with this. You need to let yourself feel and then also try and understand why he hid it and try and support him dealing with it. I suspect he has never dealt with it properly and will likely need to do this.

I hope you can get past this.

What have your RL friends and family made of it all?

mummymalta can you reach out to any real life support? Have you a friend you can confide in?

Good luck with your talk.

MerryMarigold you start your post off complaining about people making assumptions then go on to make a load yourself!

Assumptions can be dangerous - not only wild imaginings but also minimising and assuming you know how someone you have never met would or wouldn't act.

Neither is helpful to the OP IMO.

You know what. I've had a bit of a moment. blinkowl just asked me if I've told anyone in RL and I actually laughed out loud and typed "God NO" then realised this is how DH must have felt?

I thought you were going to speak to him?

DaveCamoron he's in shower

I didn't see the seriousness of the past when I wrote my reply. It still applies but you need to make sure you give yourself all the time and space you need and he needs to answer EVERY question you have. You can only attempt to move past this if you know exactly what happened and why. Do you have someone in RL you can confide in?

If he has never shown any signs of violence etc then it's perfectly reasonable to assume that this fucked up behaviour was because of drugs. People on drugs do a lot of fucked up things. It is what they do once off them that should count. However he should be showing remorse etc. I would need to know that his past was something he regretted.

I made one assumption. Which is that it's revealing that the dh could have said he just did coke with Bob, but chose to reveal a lot more. The only assumption I've made is that he is likely to be innocent of anything worse, since no one forced him to admit all those allegations and actual admissions of violence. Whilst it's an assumption it is quite a fair one, I think, and attempt to contact some if the hysteria on here. You are right though, OP needs real life support.

One of my best friends is about to marry a guy who used to be a drunk. I don't know half of the fucked up shit he was involved in but I can tell you that right now he is one of the nicest and most genuine guys I ever met.

It takes a LOT to get clean. It takes even more to admit you fucked up. Honestly hand on heart if your past was that fucked up would you want to tell anyone? Just keep talking and as long as you are both talking and both accepting of each others feelings you can do this if you both want to.

Let yourself feel mad, upset, angry, confused. You have a right to that. You also have a right to answers. He has a right to his feelings as well.

He needs to face this and realise how serious it is. I suspect he thinks if he pretends it didn't happen then that means it's not serious. It's like a dream or someone elses life. No one wants to admit they were part of such a drama.

"If he has never shown any signs of violence etc then it's perfectly reasonable to assume that this fucked up behaviour was because of drugs"

I'm not sure that's true. Drugs can make people behave in ways they wouldn't otherwise, but even through the addiction there are lines some people cross that others wouldn't.

For the OP's DH, the line was his ex dying and being pulled up in front of the police and accused of murder. At that point it was too much, and he ran for the hills. But some addicts would have carried on still, that would not have been their line.

Others wouldn't have got that far, as finding themselves crossing the line of beating up people for money, and beating up their partner, a line too far, and jumped ship then.

Don't forget he was wealthy, he could have got out any time he wanted, He got out when it got too much, but that wasn't when he found himself behaving in morally reprehensible ways, that was when the police got involved.

Addiction doesn't remove people's moral compass altogether.