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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:
Boomingmarvellous · 30/05/2016 10:15

Sorry I missed that as I didn't read everything Blush

I guess you just have to weigh up who he really is.

He is either a cold, calculating sociopathic personality, who can do the charming pretend empathy thing, or he is someone who has major mistakes in his life where he did dreadful things but has changed.

Drugs do make you do horrendous things and can lead to utter depravity which the person would normally not do. How many nice girls from good families have ended up as prostitutes because of drugs?

Sexual violence is appalling and I think DHs apparent indifference may be be because he is appalled at his behaviour? Or maybe he is just indifferent?

Either way, your attitude to him has been changed forever. Maybe in time you can accept this, maybe not. Perhaps if he opens up emotionally instead of blocking his emotions of shame and horror at what he was, you can forgive. If he doesn't your perception of him may be forever damaged.

I don't think you are being U.

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 10:16

Thisis - a few of us have said about the health risks op has chosen not to say about this but I hope she gets herself checked out just in case.

HIV would likely have shown symptoms by now (but I'd still recommend she get tested) hepatitis can be sneakier. Its an insidious little bastard sometimes!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/05/2016 10:16

I think you need to process this very carefully. It doesn't need worsening or excuses. You need to take it for what it is, and then see if you feel you still have a marriage. It's true that he could have overdosed or caught a disease or involved you or your family if he still owed money, but you've got enough to think about without considering what could have happened too.

Is he usually cold? That would worry me. It would worry me that he can't feel anything for a woman who died for their way of life. Although this will be nuanced - I suppose if you flip it, if he sees her as someone who falsely accused him of rape, his feelings have probably lessened. But he beat her, by his own admission, and he found her dead. Did he report that or wait for someone else to find her? He may have survived this but she didn't. Only one of them got to walk away unscathed.

I'm presuming there's been no violent or drug taking whilst you've been together? Does he drink?

He concealed a massive part of himself from you and I think, regardless of what that part is, that's wrong. It's not fair to marry someone knowing that you've doctored their opinion of you, that there are big, influential things that you haven't said. He let your whole marriage be built on rocky foundations. Did he think you'd leave and not want to give you the chance? Does he not think this is something you deserved to know? I'm not sure what the best answer to this is. Either he didn't seem you worthy of the information, or he wanted his own way so didn't tell you. Neither is good.

If you need some space and it wouldn't be odd to go to your mum's, I would do that. Get some help with the kids and both of you can have time to think. I'd also be googling her.

I'm sorry. This was such a huge thing to keep from you and he must have known it was waiting in the wings, ready for someone to mention it and turn your world upside down.

NoMudNoLotus · 30/05/2016 10:16

Merry you need to live in the real world.

Pimp - exploits women. Sells them for sex. Monitors their every move. Often inject them against their will so they can carry on pimping them out. Women in these situations often end up incontinent ... Urine and fecally - Shall I go on ?
They are often held in houses against their will and battered.
The women who are pimped out - often have their drug habit maintained for them because it is easier for them to be raped.

But no of course she won't have been a victim Hmm.

fusionconfusion · 30/05/2016 10:17

" If he's not a victim then neither is she. "

Erm, no - not quite.

Also his "victimhood" is a bit irrelevant. This wasn't something he worked through in therapy and came to tell Mummymalta about in fits of tears and remorse. He was outed by some sleazy guy at a party. That's a context here too.

anonacfr · 30/05/2016 10:18

Exactly. He might have been on drugs but he still beat up and raped an ex-girlfriend.

I don't think I could get over that.

anonacfr · 30/05/2016 10:19

Someone also mention how convenient it was that his GF- that he supposedly loved but then didn't really- was dead.

You have to wonder a little bit.

MeMySonAndl · 30/05/2016 10:19

I come from a place where higher class kids act like holigans away from home but inside the house and when moving within their circle, they are all respectable well bred individuals.

When I was growing up I could see them treating their girlfriends they were going to marry like saints that deserved the deepest respect, while at the same time using, hurting and disrespecting other women that they consider below themselves.

The families condoned the behaviour, they bailed them out all the time, and if someone was hurt, the parents will pay to keep victims silent (more like take the money and shut up or we will send the police after you). For them the actions of their sons were just "lads having some fun".

I don't know how the things are in the circle you move in, But if they are slightly similar I can understand how you feel and wouldn't be able to see him in the same way.

These men really don't see the value on people who they see below themselves. If he is one of them, she was just a disposable part of his year of fun away.

I really don't think I could live with someone like that.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 10:20

WannaBe I've been to the clinic already I have nothing. That was my main worry.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 30/05/2016 10:20

Wow. I agree that this is unbelievable to find out ten years in. YANBU to feel how you do.

It does sound like he has just put it all behind him. Whether that is because he is cold and calculating or because he is ashamed and traumatised by what happened and what he became, I don't know. It certainly doesn't sound like he is ashamed or traumatised unfortunately.

I think for me the key would be figuring out how he honestly feels about it all now. Is he ashamed and horrified? Or did he just put it behind him?

I would also assume he never told you because he was trying to forget it. He obviously didn't want it all to affect any part of his life back in the uk.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 10:29

AnchorDownDeepBreath no he is never cold. please don't puke but he was my dream husband. Great with the kids they adore him. Treats me like gold. Doesn't touch alcohol actually. A sip on wedding day wouldn't have another sip refused. Assumed it just wasn't his thing loads of people don't drink. He's never lost his temper with me but I won't lie he has a jealous side and is over protective of the kids but I dont want to start connecting everything to his past and get frantic etc

OP posts:
ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 30/05/2016 10:31

Very glad to hear that, OP.
In any case, he's not been fair to you. He may be completely reformed but that's not the same as having never done it in the first place. He let you make choices based on assumptions that he knew just weren't true.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 30/05/2016 10:33

Very glad about the clinic. I'm too slow for this thread.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 10:33

anonacfr Sad It's a dangerous road to speculate about but my mind is racing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 10:37

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin It was a 2 minute HIV test and I wanted to vomit all over myself

OP posts:
anonacfr · 30/05/2016 10:39

I'm sorry I don't want to speculate but by his own admission he got away with criminal offences (assault, potential rape) because his GF died.

alreadytaken · 30/05/2016 10:43

OP I've just read the thread from the start and my initial reaction was of course YWNBU. This has made you consider if you ever really knew this man at all.

Reading your posts I think you've decided to leave and that's fair enough, I dont know if I could get past this. But you shouldn't do anything in haste and should consider if he he is acting the way that he is because it's his response to guilt. How does he normally behave when he's screwed up, because most people try to minimise what they have done so they can look at themselves in the mirror.

Your last post does provide a hint that he may have looked at what he can do and is determined never to go there again, to the point of not drinking in case it starts something he cant handle.

I wouldnt throw away 10 years of a good life without a lot of reflection and perhaps a period when you do stay together and assess what difference you knowing makes. Perhaps he would gradually open up and show more remorse when you don't appear as devastated. But unless he does show more regret then perhaps he isnt a man you want to be with.

DaveCamoron · 30/05/2016 10:43

She what, he murdered the girlfriend?

DaveCamoron · 30/05/2016 10:43

So what*

NoMudNoLotus · 30/05/2016 10:46

Mummymalta I just want to give you a hug.

Windsofwinter · 30/05/2016 10:46

If this is true, I'd leave. If it's not true, he should leave you...

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 10:47

DaveCamoron god no. but there is something not quite right.

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 30/05/2016 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaveCamoron · 30/05/2016 10:50

Well what do you mean by there's something not quite right? As a few posters are getting carried away now and going 'it's convenient that she's dead hint hint' etc.

BeauGlacons · 30/05/2016 10:51

skittlesss's post was very sensible.

Do you know what would worry me OP? Blackmail. I'd get out and get your Hal secure for you and the DC. If someone takes this up and uses I against him, you could all end up with nothing, nada, diddly squat.

You are young, I think. You can start again.