to worry about DD's friend's dog and the proposed sleepover

[koekje]

DD is nearly 8 and her friend has invited her and another girl for a celebratory sleepover at the friend's house. Trouble is the friend has a large boisterous young dog, Labrador-cross, just 12-13 months old, which is completely untrained and undisciplined and I am concerned about something happening.

On the plus side of the column, DD is very used to dogs as we have a Jack Russell ourselves and she is pretty responsible in how she behaves around them.

On the negative side, this dog thinks it's the pack-leader, goes crazy barking when the doorbell goes and has growled at visitors. The parents do what they can to correct the dog but to no great effect, and with the best will in the world, they will not have "eyes on" what the dog and the kids are doing all the time. I don't think they see the risk in the same way, on the last playdate there, the kids were unexpectedly left in the care of small, frail MIL.

I just have visions of DD squealing and wrestling with her friend, the dog thinking he needs to "defend" his pack and my next phone-call coming from the A&E.

My gut is that DD should not go to this friend's house whilst the dog is there. But I'm massively conflict-averse and can't think of how to communicate this to the friend's parents without them taking offence, or talking me out of it. To give some context, I live outside the UK and this friend is part of a small group of international families that we hang out with from school so there will be ripple effects to contend with.

Argh! I know I'm right but I just need a script...

Actually, I don't think you're right from what you've said. Is there any evidence this dog is a risk? Has the friend not had other friends in the house? Can you speak to the parents about your fears?

I'm not sure it would have occurred to me to worry about this

Could you speak to the parents and say "I'm worried about the dog, can I just check the girls won't be left alone with it?"

And just tell your dd to be sensible around the dog

I know you've said that you are 'conflict adverse' but do you seem to worry more than other people about things?

If you're so sure you're right what did you ask on here for.
And you're quite possibly wrong, you've tarred this dog as a risk with no evidence.

I don't think you're right. She's 8, it seems unusual to worry about a dog with a child that age. Are you feeling anxious generally at the mo?

I think you're wrong. But talk to the parents about your worries.

I wouldn't let her go . I have had dogs all my life . A dog barking fine . A dog growling , no
Explain why to them
Can the other child come to you instead ?

Many of the problems I've heard about, arise from children who've no experience of dogs innocently agitating them in some way. Your daughter, however, knows what not to do, and presumably has a healthy respect for dogs. She'll be ok. Perhaps you could tell the parents that she's unused to large breeds and is a bit wary of them (a white lie which might make them more vigilant).

Interesting, I thought this would be a done deal.

Hmm, I've seen this dog be extremely boisterous with the kids, knock them over to the floor and climb on the sofa after them. He's big, a lot bigger than our dog, and he's still at the puppy stage of biting. And the growling at visitors is a big red flag for me.

I've talked to DD about this and she has a good understanding of how dogs operate but I'd still not be 100% certain that in the excitement of the sleepover she'd remember to be careful.

I wouldn't give this a second thought

So has the dog actually bitten before?

Restless, nope, she is a PFB and only child but I think I'm quite a relaxed mum with a confident and outgoing child.

CaptainCrunch, 'cos it's always good to get a bit of perspective (and I'm always prepared to change my mind), and because I can't ask around in my circle of friends as it'll get back to the dog's owners.

So mention your worries to the other mum?

Restless, DD has said he has bitten before but my understanding was that this was more the puppy-type bite if you see what I mean, more in experimentation than in anger.

I like the dog, I like all dogs in general, but if the combination of three over-excited girls playing with him in his territory that concerns me.

From what I see, I think you maybe need to examine your anxiety levels. I think that you are judging these people as bad parents because have a large puppy (you appear to have experience of it displaying any risky behaviour) and because they left the children with one of their grandparents.

Yet you cannot talk to these people about your anxieties because you're anxious about what they will think.

*no experience of it displaying risky behaviour. (Damn phone)

You do realise dogs don't try and dominate humans and there is no such thing as a pack leader? That is outdated and debunked stuff. It is good that this dog growls, he is saying that he is unhappy with a situation.

Well I think you should go with your gut personally.
I would probably make an excuse.

AnUtterIdiot, our dog is the most ridiculously passive and non-typical JRT ever. Really tolerant of children, never barks and generally ignores the door. Except for his ongoing life-and-death feud with the liver terrier who lives dead opposite us, I'd be demanding my money back from the breeder under the Trade Descriptions Act.

If you're conflict adverse then don't make it a conflict. Say you have other plans and your DD can't make it.

There's nothing to be gained from speaking to the dog owners. They will just say the dog is fine and that's not going to reassure you.

As an adult, I was bitten by a dog that I had been around before and that the owners said was fine. Turned out it wasn't. Luckily I was wearing loose clothing so the bite wasn't that bad but I trust my own instincts around dogs now, not other people's.