regarding my piercings?

[PiercingsAndPosing]

First ever AIBU so please don't rip my head off!

So I've had a number of piercings for many many years since I was a teenager. I wear a stud in my nose all the time as it heals over quickly if left out. But the 9 in my ears, I tend to leave out most of the time and put a few in to suit my mood. I don't normally wear studs in all 9 piercings at once.

Yesterday I put all my studs in at once, on a whim. I decided I liked them all together and left them in.

DH (who knew about my piercings when we first met, but has probably never seen them all in together until yesterday) said to me "Christ, do you thing you're wearing enough earrings?" To which I replied "yes thanks", lightheartedly. He went off on one, saying I was setting a bad example to DD (9) and that I looked "tacky and horrible", and that it was a "major turn off" to see a woman with "chunks of metal hanging off her". All this was said within earshot of DD. DD doesn't have her ears pierced, on his say-so, but will probably go behind his back and get them done at some point within the next few years.

So, I simply responded, I didn't get to my age by listening to rude, over-critical comments about my appearance. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the evening.

This morning, he asked what we could do tomorrow. I responded, "unless you can apologise and mean it, for outwardly criticising my appearance and choices, you can do something on your own". To which he went off on one again, about me "trying to be 18 all over again" (FWIW I was way past 18 before he even met me...) and how unattractive and artificial I look with metal sticking out of me. To my shame I then lost the moral high ground by snapping "well I don't like you in shorts, with your gut and skinny legs, but I keep my mouth shut about it for the sake of politeness!"
He then wittered on for an eternity several minutes about how I'd hit a nerve, made him worry about his appearance, hurt his feelings etc. He's now gone out with the kids, and I'm at home fuming.

I know IWBU to lose the moral high ground so spectacularly (and I will apologise to him when I've calmed down) but AIBU to expect an apology from him also?

OP sounds like little respect of each other in your relationship? Would you actually care if it ended?

The difference with a child is that you are the boss of them

Hope it all works out well for you.

He's an arse.

Fwiw I'm pierced a fair bit including 4 ear with 6mm tunnels (which I know dh isn't keen on but he'd never dream of complaining as he knows I like them) I also have a lip and nose ring.
DD is 18 and decided she wanted lip and nose too. I supported her completely because I would have been hypocritical not too, but dd was never an especially alternative child and I wondered at the time if it was a bit of a response to problems she was having at college and with her mental health. Either way we chatted, she wanted them and had them. 6 months on they are out.

Tattoos have always been an open subject too. I asked both my kids to print out the design they wanted and put it on the wall in their rooms, if they were still happy looking at it in 12 months time then go for it. Dd at hers as her phone wallpaper actually. I didn't want either to leap into a tattoo they hated in a few months.

He is rude. I have 6 piercings. I want a nose piercing. DH would not dream of making comments about it. It's my body.
It doesn't set any sort of example as far as I am concerned. Behaviour sets an example.

Wolpertinger and AndInto - thanks for your comments. I don't know whether or not I made it very clear in my OP, but I had all the piercings and tattoos when I met DH - I haven't had any new ones since. In fact, I have let my nipple and navel piercings go, as pregnancy/breastfeeding have not been kind to these areas, and I simply don't think these piercings look as good as they used to on me. So I'm not changing my appearance now, as such - surely if he knew when I met him that I had 9 piercings in my ear cartilage, the possibility that I could in fact wear all 9 at the same time wouldn't be beyond his understanding? The holes are still there when I take out the studs, so if anything they look better with nice, small, tasteful studs in than just open holes.

Silverpenny - of course I would care if it ended. I would care all the more if it ended over such a ridiculous thing as him suddenly deciding after several years that he doesn't find my piercings attractive.

Sisters - excellent advice re the pictures of tattoo designs. I'd rather my DC were pierced than tattooed, because at least piercings can be removed if tastes change/workplaces insist/they get infected - but at the end of the day I have both piercings and tattoos, so as you say it'd be hypocritical of me to try to talk them out of tattoos.

OP - I think that even if you did choose to change your appearance completely after you married, that would still be entirely your choice. The fact that you didn't just makes your DH even more unreasonable! Why has he suddenly decided that he doesn't like it? It seems a bit controlling to me, and I don't think you should let him get away with it!

He's a dick, but I loved your comeback at him

I might think on meeting you that you were someone into tattoos and piercings who might reasonably be expected to get more - but if your DH has never seen you wear all the piercings together an equally valid assumption might be that you aren't as in to piercings and tattoos as you used to be before he met you, especially as you have put a lot of effort into getting a good cover up job on the bad tattoo.

What it sounds like is you need some calm communication as both of you are doing a lot of assuming and possibly something else is going on entirely. I am not ruling out the possibility that he is being a jerk here either and if he says he doesn't fancy you now you have had a baby he can fuck off

He has suddenly decided that he doesn't like it as I have all 9 in together (whereas most of the time I'll just wear 5/6 at any one time). He's never made a secret of the fact that he prefers people to be "natural" (his word) and undecorated, but I've taken exception to him having personally insulted me ("tacky and horrible", and "setting a bad example to DD").

Wolpertinger - Xpost. I see your point wrt him perhaps thinking I'm not as into body decoration as I used to be.

I think you can know something, but forget they are there. He knew that you had had piercings, but somehow it wasn't in his consciousness as you were not wearing earrings.

I have tiny holes left from my earrings only one each side, but gave up wearing them before I met DH. He hates earrings so I think it would be unreasonable to expect him to find me attractive if uts not his bag, if I suddenly chose to wear them again.

Although I am very much of the opinion that it's your body, do what you want, you have to sort of cope with the consequences.

I find tattoos such a turn off it was always a question of mine when looking for a potential partner. They would have then been out of the running. But then I'm shallow!

Don't feel so unattractive just because you have had babies. You certainly won't be!

I have tiny holes left from my earrings only one each side, but gave up wearing them before I met DH. He hates earrings so I think it would be unreasonable to expect him to find me attractive if uts not his bag, if I suddenly chose to wear them again.

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe. I would never choose whether or not to wear earrings (especially one in each ear!) depending on whether a man liked them or not. I simply don't think it is any of my DP's business how I dress or how much makeup I wear etc.

By way of analogy, I don't really like my DP's hair. I tease him about it sometimes but I would never expect him to change his hairstyle for me. Similarly, he would be very welcome to tell me that he didn't like a new haircut of mine, but ultimately it would always be my choice whether to keep it or not!

Perhaps I am different to most women. I am certainly less afraid of being single than I am of being in a critical or even slightly controlling relationship.

But I had chosen to stop wearing them ( don't like them) before I met him. But if I suddenly started to dress differently, I would have to accept he might find me less attractive. - you can't control other people's feelings about you.

and it would also be his choice whether he felt you were still attractive and b) whether he still wanted a relationship with you.

Equally I could say the same, I was not afraid of being single so was happy to turn those down who I did not find attractive.

Update for those who are interested:

I got a whatsapp from DH saying "sorry for saying I don't like your ears".

My reply:

"Sorry for saying you don't look good in shorts (you do!), but you could do to remember that your feelings aren't any more important than mine, and it's not on to criticise my appearance, especially in earshot of the kids.

We all have different opinions on what looks good and what doesn't - fact of the matter is I'm not hurting anybody and I like my piercings and tattoos (just as I did when I met you - and you didn't mind them back then!).

I ask you how you'd feel if (DD)'s future boyfriend/husband told her she looked "tacky and horrible" because of her choice of clothes/jewellery - it's really not good for her to start thinking there are restrictions on her doing whatever she wants with her own body when she grows up.

I fully understand the reasons for not wanting her to be full of piercings at 9 years old (hygiene/school PE etc), but you do need to think on that once they get to 16 their bodies are their own to do as they please - and I'm sure you'd much rather they understand this than go behind our backs at 14 to some dirty backstreet butcher and end up with an infection (or worse!)

Anyway, have a lovely walk and I'll see you all this aft."

I have piercings and tattoos. Some pre DH and some post DH. If he told me he found me unattractive because I had these things now I'd tell him to trot on, he accepted them when we were first together or when I got them done so he can suck it up. Tbh I'd have made a similar comment back to him as you did. He's having a go at some ideal he wants for you and feels you can change but he can change himself too. If he doesn't like you hitting nerves he shouldn't be trying to hit yours.

Well your DH was rude but I can see his point...

I think multiple piercings do look tacky and teenager-ish and if you don't usually wear studs in them he had probably forgotten you had so many. If my DH suddenly came home with lots of piercings I'd think he was having a mid-life crisis. I would tell him how it made him look and that I found it a turn-off. The same way I would be honest if he suddenly decided to wear skimpy speedos, or socks with sandals, or donned the goth clothes from his youth. And I would want him to tell me if I looked a fright too! Suppose I suddenly dug out a frilly miniskirt and crop top that I used to wear in my teens, and decided to wear them every day? Should he just pretend I look great?

I think you need to compromise.

Thanks Strictly & Topazmilk. I really wouldn't go so far as to say the piercings make me look "a fright" that said I might look a fright but it would be for the many reasons I gave upthread, not 9 studs in my ears . I've got some great support from you all, and now I've had an apology and put my two pennorth in, I do feel much happier. The piercings will be staying put for now though!

Just to say, that was a great text reply you sent. He will have time to reflect whilst on his walk!