regarding my piercings?

[PiercingsAndPosing]

First ever AIBU so please don't rip my head off!

So I've had a number of piercings for many many years since I was a teenager. I wear a stud in my nose all the time as it heals over quickly if left out. But the 9 in my ears, I tend to leave out most of the time and put a few in to suit my mood. I don't normally wear studs in all 9 piercings at once.

Yesterday I put all my studs in at once, on a whim. I decided I liked them all together and left them in.

DH (who knew about my piercings when we first met, but has probably never seen them all in together until yesterday) said to me "Christ, do you thing you're wearing enough earrings?" To which I replied "yes thanks", lightheartedly. He went off on one, saying I was setting a bad example to DD (9) and that I looked "tacky and horrible", and that it was a "major turn off" to see a woman with "chunks of metal hanging off her". All this was said within earshot of DD. DD doesn't have her ears pierced, on his say-so, but will probably go behind his back and get them done at some point within the next few years.

So, I simply responded, I didn't get to my age by listening to rude, over-critical comments about my appearance. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the evening.

This morning, he asked what we could do tomorrow. I responded, "unless you can apologise and mean it, for outwardly criticising my appearance and choices, you can do something on your own". To which he went off on one again, about me "trying to be 18 all over again" (FWIW I was way past 18 before he even met me...) and how unattractive and artificial I look with metal sticking out of me. To my shame I then lost the moral high ground by snapping "well I don't like you in shorts, with your gut and skinny legs, but I keep my mouth shut about it for the sake of politeness!"
He then wittered on for an eternity several minutes about how I'd hit a nerve, made him worry about his appearance, hurt his feelings etc. He's now gone out with the kids, and I'm at home fuming.

I know IWBU to lose the moral high ground so spectacularly (and I will apologise to him when I've calmed down) but AIBU to expect an apology from him also?

but as far as I'm aware (and in happy to be corrected) it's no longer legal to pierce the cartilage if the child is under 16

It's not illegal at all, but many piercers (myself included) choose not to do it for various reasons, such as the child's school's policy on piercings - cartilage takes months to heal and constantly removing/reinserting the piercing for school will cause a multitude of problems.

Sorry to derail Oh, and YANBU. At all. And I don't blame you for taking a pop right back at him!

Bran - love the arsehole piercing comment - will store that one for future use

Hermione - thanks for clarifying the legal position for me. A bit of a grey area now - if they want a piercing that requires parental consent and I refuse to give it, I can't help but think I'll be sending out the exact opposite of the message I want to give them with regard to bodily autonomy. But I suppose DH has as much right to give or withhold consent as I do, and I will have to take his views into consideration when it concerns the DC. That's a tough one and hopefully they'll make it easier for me by not being that interested in piercings and never asking for consent

theOnlyLiving - thanks for those quotes - they fit exactly with my views on allowing children to make up their own minds. But I fear they will be lost on DH (he would probably say something like "we were talking about piercings not hair"!)

Unicorn and Beauty - thanks for your support.

it was a "major turn off" to see a woman with "chunks of metal hanging off her".
He should be happy about this. Other men won't take you from him

Sorry PotOfTea only just seen your post as the threa ran onto a second page while I was typing!

I appreciate your suggestions - I will suggest a compromise as follows: "I agree to remove 4 of my studs whilst out in public (5 of them do to stay put for the majority of the time, as they are fiddly and uncomfortable to take out), if you agree never to speak to me like a child in front of the DC again and cover up whilst at the swimming baths".

Interestingly he is a teacher so the "school principal" comment make me smile to myself!

if they want a piercing that requires parental consent and I refuse to give it, I can't help but think I'll be sending out the exact opposite of the message I want to give them with regard to bodily autonomy.

Not if you can give valid reasons for refusing consent, not just 'No it looks horrible so you're not having it done' as your DP would probably say

Say it's a piercing that would grow out quickly, or one that school would kick off about, that's not disregarding their bodily autonomy at all - that's just being sensible.

Nataleejah - haha. I said to him (out of the DCs earshot) that if it was such a major turnoff, I would happily give up my implant (which strangely he has never complained about, despite it being a piercing!) and rely on my piercings as a contraceptive instead.

Thanks Beauty. I did rip out my conch piercing on a hairbrush when I was around 18, and the pain was like nothing else. I was playing with the idea of having it re-done in the other ear but was put off by the thought of doing it again. So I suppose I wouldn't consent to them having conch/tragus/scaffolds because of that.

He should not have criticised you in front of DD , most definately.
I have some embellishments myself, it is up to you to do whatever you want to your own body, no-one should judge.
But, from his point of view, I would struggle to be with someone who I didn't find attractive ,I think my relationship could evolve into a friends/parents one rather than friends/parents/lovers ?

I'd be annoyed that your DH thinks what you do with your appearance is for him! And I'd be really angry if he was giving DD the idea that she should modify her appearance to please a man. I just got my nose pierced at 30 - for me. I wear make up or get my hair cut a certain way for me.

DH has a lot of tattoos - two of which I'm not fussed on if I'm really honest but in ten years I've never commented as it's his body, he got them because he likes them & that's really the point of them isn't it? Life would be boring if we all looked the same.

Everything's - thanks for the feedback, and I agree about the friends/parents/lovers thing. I do sometimes wonder whether he is looking for excuses not to find me attractive, for the simple reason that he can't be bothered with the "lovers" side of things. That said, I've just given him the perfect reason not to bother, by implying that I don't find him attractive (telling him he's got a gut and skinny legs and he doesn't look good in shorts!)

Thataint - I agree 100%.

if they want a piercing that requires parental consent and I refuse to give it, I can't help but think I'll be sending out the exact opposite of the message I want to give them with regard to bodily autonomy

I think refusing consent because you think it's cheap/tacky or whatever is different from refusing consent because of reason's like Beauty has stated re being able to look after them properly and school policy.

I haven't let my dd have her lobes done yet (I'm letting her this summer) because she's disorganised and messy and I don't think she would have been able to look after them properly. She would have taken them out early and lost them or decided to replace one with a safety pin or something because she wouldn't have understood the importance of looking after them properly. Lots of younger children have them done and manage very well but dd isn't like that and I don't feel like I need the extra hassle of policing her. I wouldn't be very good at it anyway. I got her all the way to school once without noticing she'd cut her pinafore in half.

You must've been fiendishly unlucky to have ripped it out with a hairbrush - that takes some doing!

Conch and tragus are usually relatively trouble free, as long as they're kept clean and not fiddled with. Scaffolds can be tricky and unless you're in experienced hands, can go badly wrong. I'm currently acting as an independent witness in a court case, where a young woman's scaffold was pierced so badly her cartilage developed abscesses and eventually collapsed in on itself!

Are you bothered whether he finds you attractive?

Beauty - I've still got a noticeable scar, and my cartilage has a hole in it under the skin that I can almost poke my finger into. Gross

The poor girl who's scaffold went wrong - I hope the piercer in question is hauled over the coals. That's why I want my DC to feel able to come and ask me - I want to be able to take them to a reputable piercer, not have them pop into a jeweller and get the gun (or pierce them themselves with a hot needle and an ice cube)! I remember my mum taking me to the jewellers at 5 years old and me screaming in pain, then the buggers got infected so I had to take them out and have them re-done.

I won't comment on the originaL question as everyone else has already said what I think on that, but I do want to say that I really think you ought to start challenging him at the time of his comments, and within earshot of your daughter, so that she can start to learn that the man in your life is not your boss. If you just always pull him up on it later in private then all she's seeing is his behaviour being accepted by you, and that will become her template for relationships.

Head - no, not really. I've had 2 babies in 18 months, gained approximately 3 stone, am covered in stretch marks and loose skin, my hair is falling out, I haven't had time to fart get my colour or my eyebrows done in months, and my facial skin isn't in the best condition. To top it all, 90% of the time I smell of sour milk, and am covered in sick or poo (or both). None of the above really concern me as it's an occupational hazard to being a mum of small babies, but in pretty sure he wouldn't need to single out my piercings as the root cause of my unattractiveness!

Holger - yes I agree in principle, but surely I'm lowering myself to his level and totally giving up the moral advantage by doing as you suggest, as well as normalising slanging matches in front of the DC? I can't pull him up on criticising me in front of the DC if I'm retaliating in front of them?

The piercer was definitely at fault - I had to write a long report outlining how and why - and it looks like the girl will be getting a fair bit of compensation. Unfortunately, most of that is being ploughed into paying for reconstructive surgery, as she needs cartilage removed from a rib in order to rebuild her ear. It's in a dreadful mess and I feel awful for her, as well as seething that a supposed 'professional' put her through it.

Your attitude to your DC getting pierced is brilliant, and to be frank I wish more parents were as sensible about it. I spend SO much time sorting out shoddy work done by substandard piercers, and it always seems to be on kids who went behind their parents' backs. It's lovely that they're able to go to you and have you make sure they get pierced cleanly and safely

No, I don't mean a slanging match or lowering yourself to his level, at all. I just meant calmly and reasonably stating your case in a way that shows he is not your boss who tells you what to do and how to be.

Would it automatically turn into a huge fight if you challenged him on his statements? Because that is really not good.

"Using a tea towel for more than one dry up"

Oops

Beauty - disgusting that she's been left needing major surgery to rebuild her ear. I really hope it can be sorted out.

I had a tattoo when I was 15 (totally illegal I know, but my mother's attitude was that she could either permit it, or I could go behind her back!) so she came to the tattooist with me, I signed the form to say I was over 18 (disgraceful on my part, but this was long before everybody became so health-and-safety and ID-conscious, and back then I believe the onus would have been on me, not him). He proceeded to butcher my back, and my beautiful dragon ended up a fuzzy blob about 4in wide within a few months. It's taken several sessions with a talented, professional tattooist who specialised in corrective work to get it looking something like a dragon - perhaps I should have just chalked it up to experience and left it as it was, to serve as a lesson to my kids. So although my mum's attitude was correct in theory, she didn't insist I went to a clean, reputable, qualified tattooist, so the end result was pretty much the same as if I'd gone behind her back. I don't want that to happen to my DC!

Holger - yes, I see your point, sorry. Although DD can be a cheeky little so-and-so at times, and I can see her turning round to us and saying "you're not my boss, I will do as I please" in regard to homework, tidying up etc, if she's hearing me say it! Better than the alternative though, I suppose.

Smeldra - slummy mummy here too: I take great delight in getting a second (or third!) use out of a tea-towel, especially when he leaves the soap in the bottom of the shower or chucks his dirty shoes down on top of mine in the cupboard

I don't think YABU in terms of how he spoke to you but there do seem to be problems in your relationship about piercings/ tattoos etc.

Absolutely it's your body to do with as your wish however if your DH isn't sexually attracted to women with multiple piercings/tattoos etc you need to take that into consideration when you get them - and it sounds as if with your ear piercings your DH knows you have them but is used to you not using them all at once.

It would be unreasonable for your DH to reject you because your body had changed as you got older or had a baby but I think other big changes you are in control of have an impact on the partnership and should be done thinking about the pair of you.

I know my DH hates tattoos for example and married me when I didn't have any - if I announced I was planning a sleeve and I expected him to just lump it I think that would be unfair.

However I also know he's into big breasts and I would expect him to be massively supportive if I needed a mastectomy for breast cancer.

There's a difference between what you decide and what happens naturally/because of illness to your body and how that impacts on a relationship.

The plan to compromise is interesting. I think it is your body and your choice what you wear and how many piercings or tattoos you have. Personally I would not let anybody criticise how I looked (at least outside a work / dress code environment) because I dress to please myself.

On the other hand, I do understand if he doesn't like the look. Personally I would struggle to date a man who had lots of visible tattoos or piercings because I just don't particularly like it aesthetically. Being totally honest, it would also make him appear extremely out of place in both my social and work environment. The difficulty you have is that you are married, you are changing your appearance in a way he doesn't find attractive, and so there is a tension between that and your absolute right to do whatever you want with your body. I still think however that I would refuse to compromise to make myself somehow more attractive or "acceptable" to my DP.