To tell neighbour what a spiteful shit her son is!

[hanban89]

I have a great neighbour. We talk almost daily at the fence, walk to the school together, and put each other's bins in and out.
She has 3 boys, and the youngest is 4 and is the same age as my DD. They attend nursery together which means we usually walk back together etc.
With the nice weather the kids have been playing outside a lot, sometimes they come over to my garden (often without asking) and very occasionally my DD goes to theirs to play on their trampoline.
The youngest however is very nasty I find. He often throws my DD toys in the air and they brake, call my daughter names and makes fun of her, and if on trampoline he will literally start really kicking and punching her. I say things like 'please stop that' or 'keep your feet/hands to yourself' the problem is my neighbour doesn't supervise them at all and doesn't see what happening, or does and just doesn't bother. I'm out there all the time as I have another young DD that I wouldn't leave alone.
My DD is covered in bruises from it, and now I have a broken bubble gun and toy kitchen.
How would I word it with her? We get on really well and I don't want to upset/embarrass her about her sons behaviour but I'm getting really upset about him hurting my DD.

Your primary job is to protect your DD.
Calling him a spiteful shit is just very unpleasant and doesn't help.

If you need to keep your daughter away from him then do - but do so by saying 'your son keeps hurting my DD. Let's keep them apart until he's learnt not to do that'

Don't say 'please don't do that' . If he hits/hurts your DD then say 'no!' And remove her. Your friend can't ignore that.

If you are supervising, I think you need to be a bit more proactive at stopping your child being hurt or her things broken.

Just send him straight home as soon as he behaves that way.

Well obviously referring to her 4 year old as a 'spiteful shit' won't go down well...

If your neighbour isn't seeing this happening, then you need to step up to the plate and protect your child. Obviously, you need to tell her every time you've had to tell her son off for mistreating your DD, otherwise she's not going to know.

Also there's no use in complaining that her kids come into your garden uninvited. You are the adult, so you need to tell them not to.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't stand by watching any child of mine get 'covered in bruises'.

Both parents here need to take charge.

Don't refer to a 4yo as a 'spiteful shit'. You might want to reflect on your own approach to child behaviour before lecturing anyone else.

You need to keep your child away from him. The friendship has to come second.

Your house, your rules.

Give him a warning tht if he doesn't have kind hands and feet, is not kind (ie name calling), does not play nicely with toys etc that he cannot play at your house and then send him home.

Don't tell him what he should not be doing, but what he should (playing nicely, being kind etc)

I think the best approach is the next time he does something horrible to your daughter, take him straight home (or call for her over the fence!) and say that you're bringing him back because he's done x, y,z to your daughter. Just be calm and keep it factual.

You need to be taking him home if he comes to yours. My ds is 4, Noway is he allowed outside the front of the house unsupervised.

Yes Pagwatch, I will be removing her from the situation if he starts anymore Coz I've had enough.
The other night we were both watching them though when he was doing it, and she did say that if he did it again then he would be sent in. He continued to do it and she just kept issuing the same threat with no action.
Even though she isn't actively watching them, she is usually within ear shot in her kitchen so I don't want to think I'm being too shouty at her son, or over reacting. She told me once that he only ever lashes out if he is provoked, but I promise that is not the case with DD.

This seems such a difficult situation. I just don't know what I would do.
Am I right in thinking the trampoline is over at her house, but you can just see it?

You could say you'd noticed your daughter has bruises and 'guess her son maybe does too.' I think you could say that you think such young children need to be supervised on a trampoline and follow basic rules such as one at a time.

That way you are keeping it abstract. I think that is true anyway. Imagine what a nasty accident there could be with head bumping for example. This is serious so if she won't co-operate you could just say you would rather your daughter does not play. This link below for example says not before 6 yrs old.
www.rospa.com/leisure-safety/advice/trampoline/

safety.lovetoknow.com/household-safety-tips/tips-trampoline-safety
Here is a relevant quote:
Establishing Rules
Along with supervision, you should establish clear rules for jumpers. While the AAP advises against trampoline use, it does offer a few suggested rules for parents who opt to have a trampoline at home, the main one being allow only one child on the trampoline at a time. This is because most trampoline injuries occur when multiple children are on the trampoline at the same time.

Along with the one child at a time rule, parents should set other rules, including:

No somersaults, flips or other fancy moves
All balls and other objects off the trampolines
No roughhousing
No pets
Stay on top of the trampoline, not underneath
No eating or drinking while on the trampoline
Older kids must stay off the trampoline while younger kids jump.
No one under the influence of alcohol or drugs allowed on the trampoline.
While kids may not like these rules, they'll help prevent injuries, making the trampoline safer and more enjoyable for others.

Actually OP it seems it is essential, not optional to supervise this.

About the toys - why not keep special ones out if the way?

The little son sounds not nice at all, but he is only 4 and just not being looked after. You may just have to withdraw rather than let your daughter suffer.

Good luck.

If I was supervising it wouldnt get to the stage of bruises and broken toys as I would have jumped in as soon as I saw silly behaviour

Just be really vigilant and realise 4 year olds are quite boisterous.

OP I my first post here was about my DAd getting bullied by a "very good" friend's son. The thread got deleted but the support I got made me understand that i Should put my foot down and stop the bullying my DCs were facing. I did and I am very much happy and content about the results. don't be afraid of standing up for your children. Who else do they have if not you?

I think he is the youngest if 3 children and has picked up behaviours from his older brothers, ditto the rough play. It sounds like mum is probably worn down by it and no longer recognises it as completely unacceptable.

As other posters have said stop the play, and remove him or take your daughter home. He is only 4 and needs to learn to play appropriately you can help him even if his mother won't.

Sorry Valentine, it's not often I properly laugh out loud at typos but....your poor Dad!

Thanks kindDogsTail that is really helpful.
Yes the trampoline is at her house but we have a good view of each others gardens so I can keep an eye on them whilst still in my garden.
I'm sorry I called him a spiteful shit, that's not fair on a 4yo.
Aeroflotgirl, my neighbours garden isn't secure and he just runs round. I have a side gate which he comes through.
I put my foot down last week with them when they started running round to come in, as their mum was at work and their dad inside watching football, and I feel it was not my duty to look after them while their mum wasn't their. (Their dad isn't very erm watchful????? Does much with them???)

Is agree - remove your child -

If she their say - DS isn't being kind we're going home - and leave

If at yours say - you need to go home because your being unkind and take him home

He will learn that he's not welcome if he's not nice -

It seems she has more to lose than you do with the adhock childcare -

Don't let her go round to play with him.
Do 't have him in your garden playing if he's not playing nicely - one shot, then he's out.
she's too young imo to be playing unsupervised with someone else. You know you can't trust the mum, so keep your dd where you can keep an eye on her.
Simple...

If he comes around to yours unsupervised, just take him back to his house and say to the dad 'I found X running around, I'm not able to watch him, I'll leave him with you' and leave him there.

If he's mean to your dd, intervene and go home. Don't just wait for something to happen, it's not going to, it sounds like the parents just aren't on top of the situation.

Do the sandwich technique. I love it that we are friendly and that my daughter can use your trampoline she really loves it.
will say that your youngest seems to act up around her so I am going to start bringing him back round to you if i see some rough behaviour. I can t wait until they are all a bit older and can be left unsupervised. I love that blah blah blah good luck!

I also taught my kids at that age to put their hands out in front of them if another kid was being physically aggressive and shout "no hitting!". Teach your DD she can also defend herself and tell him off, empower her.

This is obviously for parents to deal with but I have also been explicit with my kids that they can defend themselves and speak up.

hanban your dd comes first, you need to stop her being hurt.

Secondly, you can protect her belongings.

Also, you should not be supervising your neighbour's kids when their mum is away.

Great advice tanukiton. Love the sandwich idea.

I've tried to say to friends where we have similar aged kids that even if the kids fall out we will still stay friends, it is not easy but is do-able.

Sorry, Also, you should not be supervising your neighbour's kids when their mum is away unless you want to or she has arranged it with you! IMHO

Don't let her go around to play and put a lock in your side gate. If neighbour says anything just say that they play too rough together and dd keeps getting her so best to give them a little space.

tanukiton Sat 28-May-16 23:34:02
Do the sandwich technique
That sounds clever. I did not know about that technique. is it a known thing?