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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell neighbour what a spiteful shit her son is!

38 replies

hanban89 · 28/05/2016 22:52

I have a great neighbour. We talk almost daily at the fence, walk to the school together, and put each other's bins in and out.
She has 3 boys, and the youngest is 4 and is the same age as my DD. They attend nursery together which means we usually walk back together etc.
With the nice weather the kids have been playing outside a lot, sometimes they come over to my garden (often without asking) and very occasionally my DD goes to theirs to play on their trampoline.
The youngest however is very nasty I find. He often throws my DD toys in the air and they brake, call my daughter names and makes fun of her, and if on trampoline he will literally start really kicking and punching her. I say things like 'please stop that' or 'keep your feet/hands to yourself' the problem is my neighbour doesn't supervise them at all and doesn't see what happening, or does and just doesn't bother. I'm out there all the time as I have another young DD that I wouldn't leave alone.
My DD is covered in bruises from it, and now I have a broken bubble gun and toy kitchen.
How would I word it with her? We get on really well and I don't want to upset/embarrass her about her sons behaviour but I'm getting really upset about him hurting my DD.

OP posts:

Iknownuffink · 28/05/2016 23:55

There are times on this fora/site that It seems I have entered an alternate universe.

NanaNina · 29/05/2016 00:09

Not sure what that post means Iknow

It's a tricky situation but I think you are looking for a solution to the problem which doesn't involve hostility between you and your neighbour. I think the person who said the 4 year old is used to rough play as the youngest of 3 boys, and probably has acquired a few bumps and bruises along the way, and sees your DD as more vulnerable than he is and so is treating her the way he is treated by his brothers. Sorry this is conjecture I know.

I think you made a very important point when you said the neighbour tells her child to stop doing something but when he continues, she just ignores it. There are so many parents that do this - usually issuing threats that they have no intention of carrying out, and of course the kids know and so why would they stop the bad behaviour.

You say your DD is "covered in bruises" - is that a slight exaggeration. If it isn't then I think you probably should take some sort of action e.g. a talk with your neighbour when she doesn't have the kids with her and impress on her that you don't want any bad feeling between you but X is really treating DD badly and give a few examples.

But any parent who is inconsistent with their children, not following through after they've been told to stop something, is not actually in control of their children.

I think it's best to be friendly with neighbours but not friends as if problems arise it can cause difficulties. Sorry OP you didn't say you were friends, so maybe I have that wrong.

Hope you can find a compromise because it sounds like you enjoy your neighbour's company, but obviously you can't allow this child to bully your DD.

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 00:12

Iknow
There are times on this fora/site that It seems I have entered an alternate universe
Could you explain that? Do you mean the OP should not hesitate to remove her child?
I can see she does not want to hurt her friend, and wants her daughter to be able to play, at the same time she wants to protect her child. It really can be difficult to be assertive.

Or do you mean something else?

BillSykesDog · 29/05/2016 00:13

Bolt on gate, put a padlock on it. Sorted.

Iknownuffink · 29/05/2016 00:38

Children have tumbles and fights, it is part of learning how to interact with others.

Covered in bruises? Who caused them?

Who actually damaged the toys?

Italiangreyhound · 29/05/2016 00:58

Iknownuffink in the opening post the poster describes the child from next door throwing things in the air. So I am presuming she has witnessed him breaking toys.

If her dd goes out to play with him and comes back with bruises and the OP has said in her post "...call my daughter names and makes fun of her, and if on trampoline he will literally start really kicking and punching her." Then I think it is fair to assume the bruises on the OP's daughter have come from the punching and kicking of the neighbor's child.

I'm not sure what is confusing about that?

Iknownuffink · 29/05/2016 01:24

Why would the OP describe the other child as being spiteful?

Spiteful is a very harsh word to use regarding a small child misbehaving.

Adults on the other hand can be extremely spiteful.

Italiangreyhound · 29/05/2016 01:57

Kids can be very spiteful too. To me it suggests the actions are a bit sneaky, e.g. when the child thinks no one is watching. Which is backed up by "...the problem is my neighbour doesn't supervise them at all and doesn't see what happening..."

I also wonder if the OP thinks the child has a 'reason' to be spiteful, e.g. maybe he feels jealous of her for not having older siblings and getting all of parents time, or he feels jealous that she has nice toys and wants to break them. That's also (to a lesser degree) what the chocie of the word 'spiteful' says to me.

Nataleejah · 29/05/2016 07:41

He's 4, i don't think he's spiteful. But i wouldn't have him at my house until he learns to play nicely.

coco1810 · 29/05/2016 12:00

Obviously OP isn't going to call this child a spiteful little shit to her neighbour so the comments about that is really immature and pointless! OP needed to have a little rant on that score. Op, I would just give this child one warning when he comes around to keep his hands and nasty comments to himself or he goes home. Back it up and tell his mom asap. Tbh, she sounds like a free loader. Good luck x

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 12:15

Iknow
Look, yesterday, early in the thread, the OP realised she did not want to call the 4yr old spiteful:
hanban89 Sat 28-May-16 23:22:38
I'm sorry I called him a spiteful shit, that's not fair on a 4yo

In my opinion, from having looked up trampolining, it is clear there is certainly considerable potential danger there for children this age, and what is happening is not OK - no need to blame the children as such, it just needs to stop. It is not ordinary rough and tumble going on either if one child is getting bruised.

Even if it were, the little boy in this instance sounds more rough than this particular little girl. Also it sounds as though the little boy's parent is not taking any real responsibility for him. As the children are so young it is within the bounds of a normal not an alternative universe for someone adult to set up a balance in my opinion.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 29/05/2016 16:09

Obviously YABU to call a 4 year old a spiteful shit. Does the neighbour have brothers? I have discovered that particularly in families with boys this kind of rough play is pretty common. When I have friends kids over who are rough I will put anything delicate out of the way and lay out ground rules from the off ie no deliberate hurting on the trampoline (seems to be a place they get particularly wound up). First strike I would tell them they weren't allowed on the trampoline for 5 mins or whatever second strike I'd send them home if they were only next door. In fairness if your child has been getting repeatedly and nastily hit while you are supervising then you have been allowing it. I would be more wary of sending your child over into their garden if you don't think the mother won't be watching/doing anything about the hitting.

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 18:07

haligh-16 16:09:13
Obviously YABU to call a 4 year old a spiteful shit the OP took that back
see this:

hanban89 Sat 28-May-16 23:22:38
I'm sorry I called him a spiteful shit, that's not fair on a 4yo.

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