To be uncomfortable about this but not know how to address it?

[Welshmaenad]

ExH and I separated approx 6 months, 2 DC 10 and 6. Both in new relationships. We are getting on well and shared care of the DC going smoothly so far.

My BF spends time with us overnight when the DC are in my care, I discussed this with ExH beforehand and also the DC and we laid down ground rules, one of which was the DC don't walk into my room when BF is here and they've been happy to knock, likewise BF and I do not enter their room without knocking if the door is closed.

ExH has introduced the DC to his new partner who seems very nice and they like her a lot, for the first time she stayed overnight with him last night when the DC were in his care, I have no issues with this.

However when he dropped them with me this morning the DC told me they had had breakfast in Daddy's bed with daddy and GF. It sits really uncomfortably with me, I can't put my finger on why, I just think it's very early days for that kind of cosiness and it's not something I would allow with myself/BF at this stage hence the laying down ground rules about bedroom privacy for everyone in our new house.

I've always very much believed that when the DC are with the other parent you can't micromanage how they parent them and my uneasiness kind of goes against that. I don't think I can say anything to him, I don't think it's worth him getting defensive and affecting the very amicable and relaxed co-parenting setup we currently have, but AIBU to feel a bit twitchy about this or am I overreacting?

And she's entitled to a sex life.

And her children are entitled to not have to consider her sex life before they can see their mum in the morning. No?

I think this is unneccesary, why not have new partners sleeping over on opposing days/weekends when no dcs are there.

Its all very well saying Dcs are happy with it but l find that hard to believe, and what if either new relationship breaks up? will next squeeze be sleeping over when DCs are there? where do you draw the line?

Specter adults have sex. I suspect the OP is unlikely to be swinging from the chandeliers 24/7 and it's probably precautionary. My children knock, and they also did so (the older 2 at least) when I was with their father. They are not emotionally scarred as a result, and I suspect that neither are the OP's children. I think the hysteria is a little overdone. I can't imagine her poor little mites are left shivering at the door whilst op considers whether to let them in or not. They are not toddlers. Asking kids to Knock on the door of someone's personal space is not a crime.

I appreciate people have opinions about the apparent speed with which we have both moved on. It is relevant to the situation and I expected it, but the important people in the situation are happy with everything, and that's my only concern. My children ARE happy. Other people's may not have been, but mine are, I know them well enough to know and we have frequent discussions about it all.

BF is not and will never be 'uncle' anything any more than exes GF will be 'auntie' anything. I'm not anticipating that my own relationship is going to break down, but if it did I wouldn't be in a rush to get involved with anyone else let alone introduce them to the kids. It wasn't really part of the plan to enter a new relationship this soon but life happens, and I've been so fucking miserable the last few years I decided that I was going to have a go at being happy for a change.

Incidentally the knocking rule was something BF and I introduced, not st ExH's behest. When ex and I were together we did ask the children to knock if the door was closed.

welsh I really wish you all happiness. Try not to about stress the breakfast in bed thing. Sounds like you and exH are doing a great job of co-parenting. You know your children best so if you think they are happy and have open lines if communication with both parents then that really helps keep things running smoothly if there are blips along the way (as if often the case in life).

BF is not and will never be 'uncle'

I mentioned uncles in response to a question someone else asked and I can see why it may have come across as insulting. It was not my intention. It was the way things were described many years ago when I was much younger. Boyfriend would have perhaps been a better way to say things because Partner means something else entirely in the real sense.

Great that you are getting on so well with your ex and being respectful of each other's new partners.

I agree with others that this is way too fast. You've obviously been dating for something less than 6 months, so realistically this relationship has great potential to collapse, leaving your children with two breakups to deal with in a very short space of time.

Do you really want to expose them to that? Pretty unpleasant.

I'm assuming new GF and exH are clothed when DC are in bed? If so then I don't see a real problem with it, though I don't think YABU to feel a little unsure of it - especially as it's the first time she has stayed.

Re the time: I think 6 months to have moved in new partners is a little quick, but sometimes it's just the way these things work, especially if the marriage had been unhappy for a while and DC already know the new partner. I certainly disagree with having to wait 2 years to have a new partner stay the night!

And we always had to knock on our parents door, as far back as I remember. (Prob not when we were small). We never saw it as Mum prioritising her private time or anything like that (Tbh I think "private time" was pretty much a once in a blue moon thing by the time we were old enough to know about it), and it wasn't like we had to wait for permission - we either got back a "2 secs, just getting dressed", or more often we just banged on the door then barged straight in anyway.
It was always just a basic acknowledgement of privacy, and gave parents 2 seconds warning.

Welsh I introduced ds and my now dp within a few weeks.

I had my reasons for doing so (mainly to do with his father being a dick about me moving on, and being very vocal about this to ds which was desperately unfair on him), and kept it all very low key. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but a year on all seems well.

Agree with PP that this is very fast. What's the rush? Why not let the kids get used to both new adults before the sleepover situation?

Re your uncomfortable feeling. Maybe because it's a double standard? Or because it's forcing a close family situation on your children with a woman they aren't yet close with.

I think it might be worth a casual chat with ExH about boundaries with his gf/ your bf so that there is consistency for the children.

Glad life is getting happier for you OP