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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be uncomfortable about this but not know how to address it?

60 replies

Welshmaenad · 28/05/2016 12:54

ExH and I separated approx 6 months, 2 DC 10 and 6. Both in new relationships. We are getting on well and shared care of the DC going smoothly so far.

My BF spends time with us overnight when the DC are in my care, I discussed this with ExH beforehand and also the DC and we laid down ground rules, one of which was the DC don't walk into my room when BF is here and they've been happy to knock, likewise BF and I do not enter their room without knocking if the door is closed.

ExH has introduced the DC to his new partner who seems very nice and they like her a lot, for the first time she stayed overnight with him last night when the DC were in his care, I have no issues with this.

However when he dropped them with me this morning the DC told me they had had breakfast in Daddy's bed with daddy and GF. It sits really uncomfortably with me, I can't put my finger on why, I just think it's very early days for that kind of cosiness and it's not something I would allow with myself/BF at this stage hence the laying down ground rules about bedroom privacy for everyone in our new house.

I've always very much believed that when the DC are with the other parent you can't micromanage how they parent them and my uneasiness kind of goes against that. I don't think I can say anything to him, I don't think it's worth him getting defensive and affecting the very amicable and relaxed co-parenting setup we currently have, but AIBU to feel a bit twitchy about this or am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Enoughisenough9 · 28/05/2016 13:35

I can see you want to do the right thing, but I feel very sorry for the 6 year old having to knock on the door to get his mum. And indeed the 10 year old.

BoxofSnails · 28/05/2016 13:39

Maybe the way to address it is to wind back the clock. Leave it til Christmas or so for any more sleepovers. Say to your ex you have realised that while you were unhappy and ready to move on for some time, the children have had no time at all by contrast. You acknowledge you've made a mistake.
What's the rush anyway? I assume it's the honeymoon phase, and lust and maybe a fear of being alone. The benefits of winding back the clock sound much greater.

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 13:43

Personally I don't understand why it's wrong to ask children to knock? My kids do sometimesas they are old enough to understand that bedrooms are personal spaces and that grown ups have want to get dressed/undressed/have sex in private. Nobody needs to be caught out. When mine were toddlers and didn't understand the concept, then that's different, but a 10y/o and a 6y/o can understand the need for privacy. It's about learning about personal space and boundaries I think.

ClopySow · 28/05/2016 13:44

Don't approach it with your ex. It's none of your business.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 28/05/2016 13:47

There is a very big difference between having a boyfriend or girlfriend you see in private, and setting up home with someone a few nights a week and playing happy family 6 months after life has changed so drastically for the children involved, indeed even yourself.

Take a step back, take time out, be by yourself for a while, just you, just you and your children.

This is all way too much way too soon.

clam · 28/05/2016 14:04

Re: the DCs being happy, all I can tell you is that my friend used to tell me how happy her kids were about her new partner and how great he was with them. I happened to know that all 4 of them loathed and detested him (they confided in me) but didn't want to upset their mother so went along with the charade.

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 14:12

Clam that's sad but not always the case for every situation. I think we have to accept in this case that her children seem happy enough. Mine are rubbish at hiding their feelings - if they don't like me/oh/their dad etc, we're usually the first to know. Your friend's situation is a shame and it's nice they were able to confide in you x

Frrrrrrippery · 28/05/2016 14:15

I find the having to knock on your door a bit sad. I understand why you have to have that rule but it must seem a bit to the 6 year old. 6 months is way too quick to be doing sleepovers. What was the rush?

I think if I had had one failed relationship I wouldn't be racing into a new one quite so quick.

OliviaStabler · 28/05/2016 14:17

and the DC are happy.

Sorry but I doubt that. It is far too early to introduce new partners. They smile and accept as that is what you have both forced on them.

Ifiwasabadger · 28/05/2016 14:20

How long is a acceptable amount of time in mumsnet world before new partners are introduced?

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 14:20

The op wasn't asking our opinion on whether she had entered into a relationship too soon, nor whether we thought her children were pretending to be happy when they are not. We don't know her children, so perhaps we should all stop being so judgemental about her life choices.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 28/05/2016 14:21

How long is a acceptable amount of time in mumsnet world before new partners are introduced

A couple of years, and no succession of 'uncles'.

willconcern · 28/05/2016 14:22

Lots of judging on here. OP didn't ask opinions about her moving on.

OP my children knock before coming into my bedroom (that I share with DP who isn't their dad). It doesn't mean they aren't"t welcome to then come in, it's just courtesy - same as I'd knock on their doors before going in. They are 12 & 9.

My DCs also come into our bedroom in the morning, and the youngest gets into bed with us (on my side). If my ex had a problem with that, I'd tell him where to stick it. DC are happy & comfortable with DP. I had a previous boyfriend who they didn't like & it was v clear they were uncomfortable. So he got the boot.

So in answer to your question, so long as DCs are comfortable then let it go.

TheCrumpettyTree · 28/05/2016 14:24

If you're going to give information then it will get commented on, regardless of the question asked.

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 28/05/2016 14:24

You're uncomfortable with this? How the hell do you think your dcs must be feeling????

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 14:25

A couple of years? no way!

willconcern · 28/05/2016 14:26

The MN obsession with no new partner for 2 years/1 year/1 decade/never really gets my goat. None of us know OP's situation.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2016 14:29

Haven't read all comments but agree with Agent, it's too soon.

Re "I don't think I can say anything to him, I don't think it's worth him getting defensive and affecting the very amicable and relaxed co-parenting setup we currently have, but AIBU to feel a bit twitchy about this or am I overreacting?"

I don;t think you are being unreasonable and it's a shame you and ex can't discuss this in a non-aggressive and non-defensive way.

crazymammy · 28/05/2016 14:31

The whole mumsnet thing about waiting really gets on my nerves too willconcern
Everyone is different and I don't see why people feel the need to judge others. Their situation isn't the same as yours.
Whatever works for them might not work for you etc.
I split up with my ex 2 years ago, haven't introduced anyone I have dated to DD but that's my personal choice.
People judging OP don't know the ins and outs of her personal life. She asked for advice on one topic and people have become slightly obsessed with something she hasn't asked for opinion on. There's no need.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2016 14:34

PS My kids don't knock, we have a lock, if dh and I have sex we lock it and they are usually asleep (aged 5 and 11). I knock at dd's door as she is 11. once they are older maybe they will knock maybe not. It's interesting I guess I never think they will need to.

Ginger re "The op wasn't asking our opinion on whether she had entered into a relationship too soon, nor whether we thought her children were pretending to be happy when they are not. We don't know her children, so perhaps we should all stop being so judgemental about her life choices."

That is true but it is a sharing your views type question and I think it is OK to express these thoughts, the OP is welcome to ignore me/any one else. And if anything over steps a mark then she can report it.

The 'cosines' she mentions in her OP is actually a kind of progression of the family and she seems a bit upset her ex has progressed to this. I would say it is a bit early for them both to progress to new partners staying over and being 'new families'. So in some way I feel the things are linked.

Frrrrrrippery · 28/05/2016 14:35

I don't think there is a set right time to introduce new partners but 6 months from break up to new partners sleeping over seems very quick especially when the DCs are the ages they are. I think it's relevant to comment on this as the OP was asking about something relating to her ex's new partner.

Nothing wrong with dating and enjoying yourself but I'm don't see the huge rush to have new partners sleeping over.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2016 14:36

PS expressing an opinion on these matters is not judging the OP. It's her life, her kids, she can choose. But I feel it is very early to be playing a version of happy families with a new mum figure in one house and a new dad figure in the other, maybe confusing for kids. BUT I definitely wish the OP well and hope things will continue to be amicable.

ClopySow · 28/05/2016 14:37

No, she's asking people whether she's over reacting and has given a much bigger picture for context.

The much bigger picture is bothering people far more than the small incident she's asking people to comment on.

MrsSpecter · 28/05/2016 14:38

Yeuch!

Two new stepparents essentially moved in less than 6 months after their parents separate. You both lack appropriate judgement.

Also agree with others, i think having them knock and wait at your door is far worse than them being welcomed into their dad's room to share breakfast together.

Yours screams of "dont disturb mummy and uncle X's private time"

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 14:44

Gf has had one sleepover. That does not equal moving in. Occasional Sleepovers do not equal moving in new step parents. The children are familiar with the OPs bf. He is not being introduced as uncle X. That is a horribly unpleasant brush you are tarring the OP with there. This is why I think comments should be reserved for her actual question. You may not consider her way to be your way, but making gross assumptions about her lifestyle and how she handles things with her children - without any actual knowledge- is unfair and uncalled for. The OP is not doing anything wrong. She is just doing things differently. And she's entitled to a sex life.

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