To be upset my friend has asked for money?

[Tobeavsangel]

I woke up to a text of a friend asking to borrow £700.

I dont have that kind of money to just lend out and not worry until next payday. Ive also recently purchased (last week) a new house and paid the deposit. Which she knows about.

I paid her phone bill a year ago and I wasnt paid back for over a month.

Im upset of being put in such an awkward position.

[dustarr73]

I'd lend someone a hundred at the most but not any more than that.Its too high risk.I have asked for a loan before off my friend but it would only be 20 euro or so.

But 700 is way too much to borrow, you would never get it back.

[BigChocFrenzy]

Sounds like the OP is finding it very hard to say no to a friend, but doesn't have spare to lend
Also, many people don't like to have lending / borrowing in a relationship - it can really change the dynamics.

If she's a genuine friend, you won't lose her if you say "Sorry, I can't lend money any more"

[Lighteningirll]

I wouldn't even answer that's beyond rude to text especially as said friend was slow paying back a smaller sum ans knows you've just bought a house which is both stressful and expensive. In fact I would no longer consider them a friend leaving me free to ignore their scrounging rude ass.

[Hockeydude]

At least you can reply by text instead of facing her. Just say, "I can't lend you any money, sorry". Not sure she is much of a friend anyway.

[KateLivesInEngland]

Just explain that the house has absolutely drained the resources! You could use that excuse if she asked for £20 let alone best part of a grand! It's a big ask, I'd be wanting to know what she wants it for too.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

I really don't think you need to make excuses or justify why you can't, just say "sorry, I can't help with the money, but is everything else okay? let me know if you need a chat over coffee, hope you're okay x"

[IWasHereBeforeTheHack]

Just say no. Do not give any excuses or justification.

There's every likelihood she'll try to wear you down with repeated requests for smaller amounts until you give in to get peace, in the mistaken belief that otherwise the friendship will be ruined and it will be your fault. After getting texts asking for £700, £600, £500, etc you will eventually feel guilty that you can't even lend her £100 and - bingo! she's got what she wanted.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

Not sure she is much of a friend anyway.

Why? what's so bad about asking for favours so long as you are ready to accept yes OR no answers graciously.?
What kinda world do we live in if everyone just has to struggle quietly and never ask anyone for help?

[JennyOnAPlate]

Don't tell her you don't have £700 because that lets her come back with 600, 500, 400 etc etc. Tell her you don't have any spare cash.

[LupoLoopy]

I think this unwillingness to borrow/lend may be a cultural Anglo-Saxon thing

(genuinely) interesting observation! I totally feel this way naturally. I always thought it was because I'd seen my Mum get burnt a few times when lending money to friends/family when growing up, but I recently discovered my wife actually has a similar attitude, once feeling too awkward to come to me to help her out with a debt. (The debt predated our marriage, but that's by-the-by - I married her and her liabilities - rough and smooth, so they say).

Can I ask what culture you are from cingolimama? Interested to know which cultures are known to be 'cooler' (for want of a better term) about personal loans.

[LupoLoopy]

(so I can start my next targeted internet scam/whale-fishing campaign ;) )

[Blondeshavemorefun]

not sure why you are upset, she borrowed money once and did repay it, tho about a month later

£700 is a huge amount to lend to anyone,plus most of us dont have that amount spare

just text back saying you havnt got that money and what does she need it for

and if a good friend

ask if she is ok

[LupoLoopy]

I really don't think you need to make excuses or justify why you can't, just say "sorry, I can't help with the money, but is everything else okay? let me know if you need a chat over coffee, hope you're okay x"

I like that answer, for what it's worth. It gives them a way off the ledge where they don't feel like you're cold shouldering them or treating the request as some sort stigma

[Atenco]

I really don't understand the indignation of the OP and some of the posters here. Some people have had unpleasant experiences lending money to people, but that is no reason to extrapolate to everyone who ever asks to borrow money. I was in a bit of a financial crisis a couple of weeks ago and borrowed from a friend, then another friend phoned up and told me off for not asking him for the money. They know I do not borrow money lightly and that I always pay my debts.

[Lighteningirll]

Atenco This is someone who does borrow lightly and is slow in paying back, moreover hasn't actually asked to face, has sent a text three points that would prompt my indignation. A close, reliable friend in an unexpectedly financial struggle who had the grace and manners to ask me to my face as your situation sounds wouldn't.

[cingolimama]

I totally agree Screen! I find many of the views on this thread very sad.

Lupo - my family heritage is a mixed bag, with a little English... but mostly Italian and Jewish. Through work, I'm very connected to northern Iraq, where I've seen they have an almost identical attitude - families and close friends are always lending or giving each other money to start businesses, buy homes, educate their children etc. It's considered normal, and in this kind of culture, it would be insulting to not ask if you needed it.

We would never send a text, of course. We would make you a fabulous dinner and then guilt you into it.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

The friend does pay loans back promptly, unless it was agreed to be days not weeks.

If someone can't pay for a bill this month I would have thought it'ld be a given that they won't be able to pay for it until next month, and the friend did pay it back the next month

Sounds like the problem was that the terms were too vague, and the OPs expectations didn't match the friend's and it wasn't agreed outright.

I would think being paid back the following month was pretty good going personally

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

Lupo - my family heritage is a mixed bag, with a little English... but mostly Italian and Jewish. Through work, I'm very connected to northern Iraq, where I've seen they have an almost identical attitude - families and close friends are always lending or giving each other money to start businesses, buy homes, educate their children etc. It's considered normal, and in this kind of culture, it would be insulting to not ask if you needed it

Yep, I live in this kind of culture as well.

[PirateFairy45]

Say no!

[Justsaynonow]

The problem with asking for a reason as to why someone needs a loan is that it opens another dimension - you are now the "judge" of what is the reason and have added another layer to the decision. Can I or can't I afford it, and is it a good enough reason for me to be at risk of losing the money.

BIL is a serial asker -he never pays back. He gave up a job because he didn't want to work the hours, drinks & drugs, removed anything pawnable fron fil's place when fil was in hospital, and hasn't lifted a finger to help us care for fil. He's learned from years of handouts from mil/fil and has moved onto dh. He said needed $ for car repair, and dh said he'd pay the shop directly. Next thing we heard, bil had had his wallet stolen- had just received monthly benefit payment and it was full of $ for his rent and utilities, which he now needed from dh. DH said, "what could i do? I'm not heartless", and gave him cash. What he did was ensure we get a really good, unturndownable reason each time. A case study in behavioural modification.

That being said, my willingness to loan or give $$ depends on my bank account and the friend asking for me to loan/give.

[leelu66]

The few times I have leant money to friends, I've been burnt. Ironically, the friends I would lend money to without a single moment of hesitation are the ones who are the least likely to ask to borrow money!

[Damselindestress]

YANBU, she's being rude. I'd reconsider the friendship. That's a huge amount of money to ask for and it makes it worse that she asked by text as if it's no big deal. She's put you in an awkward position and she clearly doesn't care about your financial situation, she should have known you won't have money to lend after buying a house. It seems like she is taking the friendship for granted and isn't very interested in what's going on with you, just what she can get from you. I can understand why you're upset.

[DaveCamoron]

Just say no.

[Shannyfanny]

it is upsetting because the person has put her in an akward position she should never be in

[Stormyseasallround]

if I were to receive this message from one of my closest friends, I wouldn't even query it. The money would be in their account within the hour. But then that's the nature of our friendship. I've lent them money in the past, as they have me, without a second thought. I've paid for holidays when they've been short, on the understanding that it will be paid back if and when they have it, but that it's not a worry if that takes a long while. While I was on maternity leave (3 times) my money was no good to them for lunches, days out and other treats. We've been friends for decades and it all balances out somewhere along the line.

Your relationship with your friend may be different, and that's fine too, but the automatic ire of some posters is bemusing.