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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit annoyed at (d) h....

29 replies

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 06:07

I've been away with work for last couple days, left early thursday long day travelling, got to hotel late in the eve. Went straight to bed didn't sleep, up very early in terms ok uk time, did big important conference all day in which I had to do an hour talk, then travelled 9 hours home (there was a time difference), getting stuck in traffic on drive finally getting in at midnight. Dh knows a) how anxious I get flying, travelling abroad on my own, not to mention doing a keynote speech. Our children are not great sleepers, esp youngest, dh got up with him once in night and I got up to settle dc1. 5.30am ds2 wakes up, dh kicks me (gently, nudge type) and says 'you've been off the last couple of days you get up with them', I say 'but I only got in at midnight and have been on go for two days', response was quite arsey of 'I was left with children, your turn to get up, I want to sleep, you've had two days off'. I did get up but feel a bit annoyed which isn't common for me. I'm exhausted have run onfull blown stress, anxiety and no sleep due to time differences, I hate flying, and feel a bit unloved. II'm also ridiculously tired and probably blowing this out of proportion in my head!

OP posts:

Original poster

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 06:08

Apologies for all errors, really am exhausted!!

OP posts:

leelu66 · 28/05/2016 06:11

It does sound mean to make you get out of bed after you only 4-5 hours sleep. You didn't have '2 days off', you were travelling and working

How is housework and childcare usually divided between you? Is he usually considerate, was this a one off or a regular occurence?

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/05/2016 06:12

Yanbu he is sounding arsey. Hopefully you can settle kids back down and put cold feet on his back as a short term measure to make you feel better! If they wake again just tell him to do one. Have a proper talk with him later about it hardly being two days 'off' for you!

pleasethankyouthankyouplease · 28/05/2016 06:16

You're not being unfair and I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion . But he obviously thinks neither is he unfair since you've had " 2 days off"!!!!
When you're not tired have a talk with him . and tell him about your time away. He does need to understand how tired you must be and ( I'm trying to be nice and fair to him although I think he's been an arse) you might find out about his time with the kids

Original poster

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 06:17

Normally childcare and jobs are quite equal, I would say the one thing we can argue about is sleep! Also though practically he'll help I'm the one who ends up sorting everything and organising everythibg, as well as being the main wage earner and working full time. Just feeling sorry for self!

OP posts:

curren · 28/05/2016 06:17

It really depends. Is he usually a hands on parent? If not I would be seriously fucked off.

I think this can be one of the biggest issues in when you are in a relationship and have kids.

People see working as 'being off duty' but forget that it's exhausting too. You see it all the time on threads.

Original poster

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 06:43

Its pretty much 50:50 most of the time parenting wise

OP posts:

RaeSkywalker · 28/05/2016 06:45

YANBU.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/05/2016 06:48

I'm on the fence. Neither of you are wrong/right.

leelu66 · 28/05/2016 06:51

Are you sure it's 50:50, OP? Only because you've also said you're the one who ends up sorting and organising everything.

He has got used to you being there to sort everything and is taking advantage. Does he work full-time too?

DebCee · 28/05/2016 06:56

God, I remember this phase!

We had prem twins, the first few years were really tough going. OH regularly travels to conferences. I would be so glad to see him then he would step through the door exhausted and collapse....because he was knackered too. And I would feel furious.....

So I get that OH feels he has done his bit and you have had time off - even though it doesn't feel like that at all to you.

At one point when ours were young, someone we knew was having an affair and he said to me - if you ever have time to have an affair, I want a bloody lie in - because we were both permanently sleep deprived.

Parenting young children is just relentless, if it's basically 50:50 most of the time I'd think that's probably as good as it gets.

Can you have a not too resentful chat explaining how you have so not just been on a jolly, and then ask for tomorrow's lie in?

CopperPot · 28/05/2016 06:57

Yanbu.

When my H flies back from work away he always gets a lie in the next morning as travelling is tiring. He then has energy to help out in afternoon. Make sure when he gets up you go back to bed

Original poster

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 06:58

The practical stuff tends to be 50:50 but if childcare needs sorting, school stuff, birthday parties, clothes shopping etc I sort it. He is a good dh in the main I'm just annoyed today! He works self employed so flexible and varies in hours each week. I don't think he realises what I actually have to put in to my job, I work very hard to balance it with family life but it isn't a typical 9-5 job.

OP posts:

HoggleHoggle · 28/05/2016 07:06

I can see it from both sides to be honest. He's done 2 days solo childcare (and worked?) and you've done 2 days intensive work and travelling. You both need a lie in! Not helpful, I know...

Original poster

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 07:09

You're probably right hoggle, I'm going to kick him out of bed soon and swap!!

OP posts:

Dozer · 28/05/2016 07:14

He was unreasonable in this specific instance. Travel / work is not time off!

50/50 is not fair on you - he works PT (?) and you earn more! So really he should be doing more of the childcare and domestic work, including more of the admin and night parenting.

Dozer · 28/05/2016 07:16

Also, if you and he see him doing stuff as "helping" and you're the default organiser, and he doesn't do at least an equal amount of night and early morning parenting, then you are doing more than 50%.

pitterpatterrain · 28/05/2016 07:28

Usually when we travel it depends on the timezone (jet lag involved) / workload but typically the person travelling no matter how frazzled picks up the burden as DD is tiring in a different way (also having to do both sides of the nursery run) and if you have been with her all week / couple of nights just having an hour off or knowing you are not the first go to person the first time they call can be great

Typically bedtime would be a combo job and then an early night at the same time as DD so that we can both recover!

It's hard - the thing I always try to remember (and don't always succeed) it isn't a competition on who is most tired. That is where we run into trouble most times and end up both feeling down

sneepy · 28/05/2016 09:21

Sorry OP but I think YABU. DH travels a lot. It's hard and tiring but being the parent at home is so draining. I don't think you can know just how mentally exhausting it is unless you e experienced it regularly.

In that situation DH would have gotten up with the DC after traveling and I would have made sure he had time in the afternoon to wind down however he liked. You can't just check out because you make more money.

Original poster

ScullyDay · 28/05/2016 09:27

Sneepy dh isn't a stay at home parent, they are 3 and 5, I was the stay at home parent for four years until I returned to work, we now both work. I haven't 'checked out for more money', dh and i made a conscious decision to prioritise my career. We both got up in the night once, difference was dh got to bed at 10pm and I didn't until midnight. Both children were at school/ nursery yesterday. I think your post is very judgemental, sorry.

OP posts:

Dozer · 28/05/2016 09:48

OP has not "checked out", she does over 50% of childcare/domestics which in the circumstances is more than her fair share. And looking after two DC of 3 and 5, excluding special circumstances, is not inherently more "draining" than work travel, particularly for someone lole OP with anxiety.

Dozer · 28/05/2016 09:52

In terms of sleep it can be better to take turns or each do an agreed number of nights each week for entire nights / mornings than both get up, for example for one waking each.

ParadiseCity · 28/05/2016 09:59

Firstly - massive well done on work event!!!

I know just what it is like to return from knackering work trip to be told by other parent that they are tired. It's completely fucking infuriating. Even if it is true and not a competition etc etc.

TBH I think what is best for DC is for them to get fuss and attention from returning parent, ASAP. So I kind of keep that turbo energy attitude going for another half a day almost as though it is still required by work event.

Then I allow myself to collapse that afternoon/evening and my policy is not to make any decisions or food for 24-48 hours, recovery time. If anyone asks me stuff I just answer yes to the first option. We have takeaway to celebrate family being back together again/end of event so both parents get a break from cooking.

What I really want to say sometimes is 'You will never understand how hard and stressful my life is you bastards' but over the years have learned it's better not to

timeisnotaline · 28/05/2016 10:00

It's tricky. If my dh were travelling for work I'd know that he had a lot of fun, drinks etc and a bed to himself at night. I'd feel like it's time to pitch in when he got home because solo parenting is so draining. It is hard to tell who ibu!

Whatatotalmess · 28/05/2016 14:23

I'm afraid I also think it's possible you may be being a bit unreasonable OP, but I totally understand why. It depends on the level of difficulty your DH experienced with your DC's sleep while you were away, I guess.

When I'd had a difficult week with very young DD, and had been up every hour through the night, and DH told me that he was tired from travelling, I used to have to really try to bite my tongue. An hour to myself reading the paper in the airport lounge and then several hours of uninterrupted sleep/film warching on a plane sounded like paradise to me! But only you and your DH know whether your DH has in fact has that sort of rough ride while you were away.

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