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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Niece's new baby - no invite to visit

57 replies

Thepinklampshade · 27/05/2016 17:12

So out niece had a new baby in December and we sent a lovely and expensive gift and told her that we understood she had loads of people visiting at the moment and we'd wait until she was ready and to just give us a call when she felt up to it. So this was in December sent a gift at xmas etc. No invite came. Saw her with the baby at a family function in february and we weren't even offered a hold and baby remained firmly fastened in pram. It's now the end of may and we've not seen them since. I'm gutted I was so excited to be a great aunt and I feel so hurt that she's chosen to do this.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 27/05/2016 17:46

In the nicest possible way, your niece having a child is not really about YOU or what you want or think you should be entitled to as Great-Aunt.

You may have seen other threads on here of first time Mums of all ages being upset by how overwhelmed they are by the demands of their own parents, their DP/DH parents or the demands of their siblings/siblings in law who feel they have a RIGHT to command access to and control of their baby, that in itself is hard enough to contain, before you even factor in extendeds or friends.

YABU I'm sorry to say. If you'd like a "viewing" Hmm ring her and book an appointment.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2016 17:48

See I know Mumsnet doesn't reflect real life for me, but in my family we would have just given it a couple of weeks and then rang to ask if it's ok to pop round.

Same with hold the baby, "Aww can I have a hold when he/she's awake"?

We're really not very formal

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/05/2016 17:49

Why not just ask to come and visit? They might be perfectly glad to see you.

pinkladyapple · 27/05/2016 17:51

Also baby was born in December! If you were that desperate to see her why have you waited this long?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 27/05/2016 17:52

Presumably you don't see your niece regularly then? In which case she's probably not given it much thought. Phone, text or fb to ask if you can pop over in the next few days. Don't go in all hurt and offended. That won't help at all

tippedovertheedge · 27/05/2016 17:53

Blimey "I had my baby in December, and my great-aunt hasn't even asked to come round and see her. I'm really hurt by this"

Just ring and ask if it's convenient to come round on X date.

piccadillyline · 27/05/2016 17:56

I think it's nice you are taking an interest. My cousin is due next week and my Mum has had no interest what so ever during the pregnancy Confused. Her relationship with DAunt isn't great- but she shouldn't take that out on DCousin and the baby surely? DAunt has sent her scan photos etc and she hasn't even bothered to reply.

Anyway- I do have to agree with everyone else. Can you not send her a text saying "Hi X, how are you and the baby doing? We haven't seen each other for a while so how about coffee next week?"

I can understand why your a bit miffed if your usually close- but if you haven't seen her, you can't really know how she is coping and maybe she just wants to be around immediate family and her closest friends.

Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar · 27/05/2016 17:59

OP, firstly it's lovely that you're interested in your great-niece. But as pps have said, the first six months go by in a blur of sleepless nights, getting the baby into a routine, and for me learning how to get out of the house within 3 hours, lol!

I'm sure your niece wouldn't have thought about you being hurt, and may not have wanted to take the baby out of the pram, if it was settled (for fear of crying, grumpy baby at social event - nightmare).

A quick call and arranging a short visit would be a great idea. If you're up to it, offering to make cups of tea/bring lunch with you are likely to go down well. Looking after a young baby can be so time consuming you don't get much chance to look after yourself, let alone assorted adult visitors.

Lilacpink40 · 27/05/2016 17:59

Expensive gift = I'm due an invite?
Would an inexpensive but heartfelt gift have been wrong? We give gifts to make others happy not to receive!
I'd just call and see when is convenient and if they're busy for longer they're just busy.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2016 18:02

I'd just suggest a time and give them a call to see if it's convenient.
With the offer to carry the baby. I would have asked for a carry if I wanted to. I don't like to offer a carry as a mum in case people feel they have no choice and have to agree, even if they don't want to.

Pseudo341 · 27/05/2016 18:05

Why not invite them to see you? They might be grateful to have someone else cook dinner for them, I know I was when mine were small, still am to be honest.

ollieplimsoles · 27/05/2016 18:08

You sound a tiny bit precious op, just text and ask if you can pop round

Original poster
Thepinklampshade · 27/05/2016 18:18

I was just trying to be supportive of the fact she's got a new baby which is a big deal for her and she doesn't want a house full of visitors. Everyone on here says you should wait to be invited and talk about banning visitors and about just wanting to be alone with baby and what a hassle all the visitors were. So I just went with that, as so many people were posting it seemed to be the thing to do. I've waited. I sent a gift to show my love and support and tried to be respectful of her space. I don't want to intrude on her life. It seems to have blown up in my face somewhat. They're my in laws and I don't have my own children so I have no clue what they do as a family when a baby is born this is the first since I married in.
My family just have a huge 'come admire my baby' session sort of launch the baby at you and off you go. I don't feel entitled to see them but I would very much like to know the newest member of our family. I feel like a fool that I've let it go on this long I wouldn't normally but my in laws are a bit funny and because I haven't got kids they think im a bit weird and I don't really fit in hence coming here for advice in the first instance. I've not got a strop on about it I just honestly didnt know what to do and thought where better to go to see what new mums want after childbirth than a website for mums. Having never done it I didn't want to get it wrong and have completely fucked up instead.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 27/05/2016 18:19

oh OP - if you haven't seen them other than at a family function in February, I'm guessing you aren't close to your niece? How often did you invite her over before she had the baby? that might well be your answer.

FWIW, DH's Aunt lives about a 30 minute drive away, she's seen DC2 (who'll be 3 next month) at her baptism and then at DBIL &DSIL's DC2's baptism (who's just turned 1), and that's about it. Mind you, before we had DCs, we saw DH's Aunt and Uncle at family weddings and funerals. He'd not seen his Aunt for a few years before we got married. She asks after him with MIL, who does the same with his cousins, but they aren't close.

If you are regretting not being a close family, could you try to arrange some things? invite them (and any other DNs plus your sibling!) to a BBQ/lunch.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/05/2016 18:19

I'd be thinking too, is it possible dniece has been having a tough time with a young baby/pnd that maybe is being discreetly kept quiet as she doesn't need everyone talking about it/ medical issues following the birth. Hopefully not, but visitors may not have been her priority. A card to say thinking of you and suggesting a visit may help.

DinosaursRoar · 27/05/2016 18:21

oh X post - you haven't done the wrong thing!

Just invite your DN and her DP over. Hosting, including cleaning your house to 'guest ready' standards with a baby can seem daunting. Invite them to you, offer to fit round baby's schedule.

Will there be a baptism/Christening/naming ceremony?

BlueFolly · 27/05/2016 18:22

Completely fucked up seems a bit of an overreaction!

IceMaiden73 · 27/05/2016 18:33

I would just text / call and invite them over x

NannawifeofBaldr · 27/05/2016 18:43

pinklampshade you haven't got it wrong at all.

The first few months with a new baby are really, really hard. It's not deliberate on her part I'm sure.

If the baby is 6 months old, she'll be starting to get really fun!

Call your niece, say that you'd love to see the baby, would she like to come to yours for lunch? Ask if she would like you to provide any food for the baby (if she's weaning)

She might be crawling so move any ornaments out if the way before they come.

Btw you may still not get a cuddle - not all babies are comfortable with strangers to just play it by ear.

TrinityForce · 27/05/2016 18:56

How long have you known her? Has she grown up with you as her Aunt?

MatildaTheCat · 27/05/2016 19:00

Just send her a message saying you hope things are going well and it would be lovely to meet the new baby and DNIL/DNIL soon. Suggest a date and invite them over but say that you are sure they must be busy so will fit in with whatever suits. TBH, as nice as you are you haven't been on her radar lately.

Great aunts are fab, my aunts have shown lots of interest in my boys, especially one who has no children. Not as close as a grandmother, obviously but they visit sometimes, remember birthdays and generally show an interest.

Hope it goes well. Try not to worry about what other family members are thinking about you, chances are they aren't thinking about you at all. Smile

PerspicaciaTick · 27/05/2016 19:08

People want space for the first handful of weeks, while their DH is home to help, while they are physically recovering from childbirth, while they get the hang of feeding and nappies and everything else. While their hormones are a heaving maelstrom, they are bleeding and leaking and they weep whenever they see a child on TV. Not everyone feels up to coping with all that with a houseful of assorted rellies all keeping a beady eye on the new parents to check they are "doing it right" (or that can be how it feels even if not true).
After 6 months (heck - after 2 months) it is absolutely fine to contact the new family and see if they fancy visitors. So you've left it a little longer, it really isn't a disaster or a monumental fuck up. Just talk to them.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/05/2016 19:10

These last months will have flown by for your niece OP. Flown by in a whirl of hormones, lack of sleep, stress, nappies, night feeds, ups, downs and sore nipples. Or up to her eyes in bottles and sterilising stuff, 3 million baby grows and 4 million bits of cloth and blankets to wash. She's probably just about starting to feel human again at this point, and possibly started getting the baby into a routine. (the above is going by my own experience)

For you 5 months might seem an age. For her it's still early days. Don't worry. Pick up the phone, give her a ring, ask her how she is and see if her and her DP want to come over with the baby one weekend and you'll do lunch. Or something. All will be fine.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/05/2016 19:13

I got the impression you were wondering if you should wait for an obvious cue. Then when one didn't happen you felt excluded.
I agree it can be tricky trying to be tactful and at the same time taking the initiative but it's another one of life's unscripted moments.

Fwiw my firstborn went through an especially clingy stage right around the time friends from some distance came to visit and I was apologetic that he screamed when they looked at him much less hold him.
In a sleepless fug they may not have realised how long it is since they met up with you in Feb.

Ifiwasabadger · 27/05/2016 19:32

Why mention the fact that the gift was expensive...does this this somehow make you more entitled to see the baby?

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