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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents, Interfering, Relationship breakdown

75 replies

AdrianneL24 · 27/05/2016 16:11

So quick back track, our DS is just five weeks old and at four days old his paternal grandmother chose to start stirring the pot and creating drama with my parents, my partner and i chose to not get involved as we had enough on our plate and it was all very childish. however it continued to escalate and get very nasty until at 9days old i had no choice but to put my foot down and demand it stop as it was not fair. my partners sister then decided to pick up where his mother left off causing more trouble. I eventually said i wanted nothing to do with them and that they wouldn't be left responsible for the baby, i didnt want them coming to the house as i have DD to a previous relationship and they had made nasty comments about her too. Both his mum and his sister insisted that they were coming to the house and turned up over two consecutive days, i told my partner i was leaving and taking the kids to my mums as it was unfair that we couldnt even sit in our home without them causing trouble. He then rang his sister and they both blocked the door and refused to let me leave, i rang my mum to come to the house so his sister rang the police saying it was a domestic and i was kidnapping my own son. since this my partner and i have separated and i have left the house, we are resolving things between us but he keeps asking if his mum can have the baby, ive repeatedly said he can take the baby to see her and stay with him, but i dont want him leaving in her care. She has now said she will seek legal advice to have my son on his own and my partner is in agreement with her ... can somebody tell me if they can do that as i have not stopped contact just do not my child leaving with her until apologies are made and she rebuilds the trust she has broken

OP posts:

Thymeout · 27/05/2016 16:57

The baby is now 5 weeks old.

Op is asking if she has a legal right to stop his paternal gm looking after him on his own. She doesn't want to let her look after him, not because it wouldn't be safe but because she wants an apology from gm for causing trouble.

No - she doesn't have a legal right to do this, because the baby's father has equal rights to her over deciding who can look after the baby, whether they are together or separated.

The sooner this silly squabble is sorted out the better. Op needs to realise that it's her partner's baby as well as hers and both families need to take on board the fact that a new mother will be feeling very protective and they should cut her some slack. Everyone needs to grow up.

EweAreHere · 27/05/2016 16:58

Get a restraining order. They have no rights to your child.

Your partner should have backed you up. I hope you've kicked him to the kerb as well.

Hodooooooooor · 27/05/2016 17:01

No - she doesn't have a legal right to do this, because the baby's father has equal rights to her over deciding who can look after the baby, whether they are together or separated

Not even slightly true. A newborn baby will stay with its mother, with the full backing of any court. There is no judge that will order she gives it even to the father at that age, let alone the granny.
Later on, sure. But now..nope.

AugustaFinkNottle · 27/05/2016 17:10

Hodor, I'm afraid you're mistaken. Although the father is very unlikely to get full custody, he is very likely to get access rights, and whilst the baby is with him he has every right to decide he'll leave her with his mother.

Hodooooooooor · 27/05/2016 17:13

He will get access rights to visit the child in the care of its mother, as it is so young. The precedent is there.
So no, I'm not wrong.

ollieplimsoles · 27/05/2016 17:16

He can get access with conditions- one of them being he is not to leave baby with his mother.

curren · 27/05/2016 17:18

It's not just about now, though.

It doesn't seem the situation will resolve itself soon. Especially with the police incident.

When the child is a few months old, a year old, two years old, this may come up again and again.

It would be good for the OP to know where she stands then.

To stop her dp leaving the baby with his mother (since he is going to do it anyway) she would need to prove the mol is a danger to the child.

Thymeout · 27/05/2016 17:23

I don't think a judge will look sympathetically on a mother who says, 'No he can't take the baby out on his own because I don't want him to leave the baby with his mother until she apologises.'

The interests of the child are paramount and being used as a pawn in a game is definitely not in the child's interest.

AugustaFinkNottle · 27/05/2016 17:26

He will get access rights to visit the child in the care of its mother, as it is so young. The precedent is there.

What precedent? What law says that a very young baby can't be left with her father on his own? A lot obviously depends on how the baby is being fed, but even if she is breast fed that may allow him to take her out.

He can get access with conditions- one of them being he is not to leave baby with his mother.

Only if OP can prove there is reason to believe the baby is unsafe with her grandmother. OP seems to be saying that the only reason why she doesn't want this to happen is that she wants her ex's mother to apologise first, which rather suggests she doesn't think she's any danger to the child.

ollieplimsoles · 27/05/2016 17:26

It would be useful if the op told us what mil had done/ said.

LogicalThinking · 27/05/2016 18:04

You need to talk to your ex and get this sorted out with him. He will be able to take his baby to his mums when he has access. Even if that doesn't happen just yet due to your baby's age, it will happen in the future. Unless you have clear grounds to show she is a risk, there won't be anything that you can do to stop him leaving your baby with her. She has no rights but he does.

leelu66 · 27/05/2016 18:09

Your MIL and SIL sound very controlling and your partner seems to be encouraging them by calling them to keep you keep in the house!

When you say you are resolving things with your partner, do you mean you are trying to get back together or sorting out child care with him as you have separated?

lem73 · 27/05/2016 18:16

Poor you Op. This sounds like a very stressful situation at a time when you should be enjoying getting to know your baby. Definitely get legal advice but I think you'd be reasonable in refusing to let your dps family see your baby at this point. They sound unstable and determined to find a problem. The baby seems like an object to fight over for them.

Original poster

AdrianneL24 · 29/05/2016 19:30

In reply to a few who are unsure the mother in law has requested mulitple times even before the baby was born to have the baby on a monday as is her day off we also left the baby at her house when he was a week old to take my daughter to nursery as she was feeling left out and i wanted to use the ten minute walk to talk to her alone this has of course been thrown in my face ever since because now im being told i dont love my baby and im depressed and they are simply trying to relieve my burden... It is not a punishment its a genuine concern that apparently is not something im allowed as a mother

OP posts:

Original poster

AdrianneL24 · 29/05/2016 19:38

And me and my partner have chosen to separate as again today he stood by whilst his mother was verbally aggressive and demanded i shouldnt have any children because im damaging them by refusing to allow them alone time with the baby ... What they cant do with him in front of his dad i dont know

OP posts:

ThatStewie · 29/05/2016 20:01

You need to get proper legal advice.
I would look at a restraining order against the mother and sister for their harassment and phoning the police.

It sounds incredibly stressful. I hope you have a supportive family around you.

Original poster

AdrianneL24 · 29/05/2016 22:02

The mil in question has said many things the worst being that she has threatened physical violence towards me and also has a criminal record for violence... She has insisted i have no right to call my son by the name ive given him as she doesnt like it

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/05/2016 22:45

She's an arsehole. I'm sorry your relationship with her son has ended. Has she threatened you now or in the past? Police are more likely to be Interested if it's recent.

lem73 · 29/05/2016 22:47

She sounds loopy and you need to stop caring what she says or does. She has no legal right to see your dc so ignore her.

Stardust160 · 29/05/2016 22:55

They are a disgrace it's a newborn baby not a toy! You're the mother and they should respect you if your not comfortable leaving baby yet. I would seek legal advice.

EveryoneElsie · 29/05/2016 23:01

Get legal advice.
I dont think many people here realise what happened or how potentially serious this is.

There appears to be an agenda with this family. Its not your job to work out what it is but whatever you do, dont let any of them take the baby.

No one normal hassles a new mother to give over her baby.
It got very nasty very fast. And they worked together.]

You need to gt advice from Womens Aid IMO, and take their advice o which solicitor to use.
Dont use one that cant see the problem here.

Women are always blamed after the fact. Like it was our fault for not noticing something was wrong.
At the same time we are also blamed for being overly cautious or protective. Get advice form someone who can see how this has turned out in other similar cases.

Good luck OP

BlackVelvet1 · 29/05/2016 23:04

I hope you are getting lots of support from your family. Of course baby needs to be with you at 5 weeks, not with MIL. It's one thing to leave him 10 minutes while you walk your daughter to nursery, it's another to ask to take the baby away.
Keep records/write down a diary of everything in case you ever need it in court.

Stardust160 · 29/05/2016 23:07

Others might disagree but I would hold off registering the baby with your DP until you speak to a solicitor. I find it worrying how he thinks it's ok for a baby so youth to be removed from the care of its mother and given to the grandmother.

ollieplimsoles · 29/05/2016 23:07

Well done for coming back op, I'm sorry your relationship has ended.

You need to get legal advice here and make sure they know about her criminal record. You may also want to ask yourself if your baby's dad is all that safe to be around too as the situation seems really volatile.

Foofoobum · 29/05/2016 23:15

A grandmother who is verbally abusive to and about the mother and who is likely to speak badly to the children about the mother as they grow older is unlikely to be given any access rights and a court can put a condition on any contact with the father and grandmother that it's supervised so she does not bad mouth the mother. I've known of a father being refused unsupervised access (social worker in access centre only) because he would tell the child their mother was a slut and a whore and try to encourage the child to say that to her. I can't see why it would be any different for a grandparent.

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