To still be upset by my DCs birth

[sepa]

I have changed a few minor details as to not out myself in RL but nothing that really changes what happened.

My DC is 9 weeks old and I found her birth quite traumatic for myself (she is my only DC so I'm not sure if it's wose than normal but for me it was bad). I will try to explain so not to drip feed details.

My waters broke late into the evening (around 11pm). Called triage to see what to do and they said call back in the morning unless labour starts. Labour doesn't start so I call hospital. Hospital was busy in the morning so said could I come in the afternoon to be checked over. They said someone would call me to tell me what time an hour later (so at 10am). I hadn't heard anything at 12pm and had a scheduled MW appointment so I called to see if I should go to that still. The lady on the phone said I had to come straight in as my waters had broken.
Went to the hospital to be told no one was expecting me, why did I just turn up etc and then told to wait in the hallway until someone was free.
Got examined and told to come back next day to be induced unless it kick started itself. It didn't.

Next morning I turn up on time and again they are busy so I am told to go have a wander for a bit them come back. Come back and I am reffered to as the previous person in the bed (who had been discharged).
Induction begins. Get told to go off and get lunch as I had missed The round but to be back in 6hrs. Come back after 2 as more waters go so I need a change of clothes. MW then had ago at me as I had missed the observation round

Anyway, induction doesn't work. I haven't slept for days. Get to 10cm but DC won't come out. Heart rate is dropping so at 9pm ish I am rushed for emergency c section. DC had to be resuscitated..

Skip forward 2 days and senior MW tells me I am being discharged even though DC wasn't feeding properly and I wasn't ready to go home as I needed extra BF support (DC slept every time they went on the boob). End up going home.

Visit from one extremely horrid MW who had me feeling like shit saying I was purposely under feeding DC (as we were formula feeding how another MW told us to) and how DC was jaundice and very small (she lost 6% of her birth weight which I am lead to believe is normal).

DC is now formula fed which I am deveatated about but I largely think this is due to not being given the correct support both in and out of hospital.

I have since had 4 friends have babies 2 of which were born at the same hospital I gave birth in.

1st friend to give birth at same hospital had a c section and discharged herself after 2 days as she was formula feeding but they wanted to keep her in as she had just had a c section (not planned but not emergency either) and another who is still in hospital 4 days later who had a natural labour because her DC isnt breastfeeding correctly and keeps falling asleep on the boob.

I know what is done is done now but I still get the sadness each day that I am not BF my DC and still look back on the whole labour experience and can't quite get my head round it. I feel very let down by the hospital right now for being treated so differently with being able to stay in hospital following DCs birth.

How can I get past this? I do enjoy and love my DC everyday. They are my silver lining to a horrible birth!

If you have managed to get to the end of this (never ending story) then thank you

OP, your care was terrible. I have a feeling you may become angry really soon, and that would be completely justified. It is hanging over you because you've been treated badly. You've had some good advice on debriefing here and I hope it helps when you feel ready.

Re: your last point about being dismissed, if you'd had this sort of treatment for something else medical people around you would be supportive and telling you to sue, but because it resulted in a healthy baby somehow that's ok - like all you are is a vessel for a baby and it doesn't matter what happens to you in the process. We all expect labour and birth to be challenging and none of us expect to be unchanged by the process but being treated like a human being by competent professionals is not a "nice to have", it's an essential. Don't feel you are being unreasonable. You just know your own worth and want to be treated as such.

Sepa we're good thank you-how are you both? She's a good sleeper-I'm very lucky! I remembered your labour thread too, and how supportive and kind you were to me during mine.

I'm a midwife and although my birth was fine (though of course not same as lovely birth plan) my postnatal period was horrific and I'm just about getting round to considering number two. My DS is 8 months. So don't worry. It takes time, probably some good debriefing, I'd say possibly even writing a complaint and asking for an apology and reassurance they won't make someone else feel as you did? Whatever it takes to get through. Avoid Internet though- other people are only too willing to remind you of the worst times! I found I got better when I reminded myself it was over, it wouldn't happen again and also when my memories faded a bit! It all got easier at about 12 weeks I think.

Ms it's also the classic that c-sections are not always seen as a serious operation as it had resulted in a baby

I was also traumatised after DD's birth. I found that every time I talked about it, it healed a little. I was able to access counselling and also joined a PND support group and a couple of general mother's groups. Repeating my story and reflecting on it with sympathetic and understanding women was what helped me. I had a debrief with my notes but that didn't help as it said things like, "Bravada is calm and composed" which didn't describe my experience of the situation at all. Silent with terror, more like.