To still be upset by my DCs birth

[sepa]

I have changed a few minor details as to not out myself in RL but nothing that really changes what happened.

My DC is 9 weeks old and I found her birth quite traumatic for myself (she is my only DC so I'm not sure if it's wose than normal but for me it was bad). I will try to explain so not to drip feed details.

My waters broke late into the evening (around 11pm). Called triage to see what to do and they said call back in the morning unless labour starts. Labour doesn't start so I call hospital. Hospital was busy in the morning so said could I come in the afternoon to be checked over. They said someone would call me to tell me what time an hour later (so at 10am). I hadn't heard anything at 12pm and had a scheduled MW appointment so I called to see if I should go to that still. The lady on the phone said I had to come straight in as my waters had broken.
Went to the hospital to be told no one was expecting me, why did I just turn up etc and then told to wait in the hallway until someone was free.
Got examined and told to come back next day to be induced unless it kick started itself. It didn't.

Next morning I turn up on time and again they are busy so I am told to go have a wander for a bit them come back. Come back and I am reffered to as the previous person in the bed (who had been discharged).
Induction begins. Get told to go off and get lunch as I had missed The round but to be back in 6hrs. Come back after 2 as more waters go so I need a change of clothes. MW then had ago at me as I had missed the observation round

Anyway, induction doesn't work. I haven't slept for days. Get to 10cm but DC won't come out. Heart rate is dropping so at 9pm ish I am rushed for emergency c section. DC had to be resuscitated..

Skip forward 2 days and senior MW tells me I am being discharged even though DC wasn't feeding properly and I wasn't ready to go home as I needed extra BF support (DC slept every time they went on the boob). End up going home.

Visit from one extremely horrid MW who had me feeling like shit saying I was purposely under feeding DC (as we were formula feeding how another MW told us to) and how DC was jaundice and very small (she lost 6% of her birth weight which I am lead to believe is normal).

DC is now formula fed which I am deveatated about but I largely think this is due to not being given the correct support both in and out of hospital.

I have since had 4 friends have babies 2 of which were born at the same hospital I gave birth in.

1st friend to give birth at same hospital had a c section and discharged herself after 2 days as she was formula feeding but they wanted to keep her in as she had just had a c section (not planned but not emergency either) and another who is still in hospital 4 days later who had a natural labour because her DC isnt breastfeeding correctly and keeps falling asleep on the boob.

I know what is done is done now but I still get the sadness each day that I am not BF my DC and still look back on the whole labour experience and can't quite get my head round it. I feel very let down by the hospital right now for being treated so differently with being able to stay in hospital following DCs birth.

How can I get past this? I do enjoy and love my DC everyday. They are my silver lining to a horrible birth!

If you have managed to get to the end of this (never ending story) then thank you

I think you are, but the hospital may charge you for them.

Midwife here. Firstly, on behalf of all decent midwives, I apologise for the crap start you have had. Well done for just getting on with things but I really don't blame you for feeling cheated and sad.

You can certainly ask for a copy of your notes. There is a small admin fee. However, expect them to be full of remarks like, ' mum and baby doing well.' Even if you don't consider that to be true. Postnatal care is in crisis and breastfeeding is a major casualty.

Please call the PA to the Head of Midwifery and ask for a debrief appointment. This will be with a senior midwife who should hopefully help you make sense of it all and even plan for a better experience next time. You don't sound as if you are asking for compensation which is good to make clear as people tend to be more defeyif threatened with litigation.

You deserve a thorough explanation and, even apology. I hope you will get through this and enjoy your baby but I'm sorry you had such a difficult time. That shouldn't have happened.

I agree with Tallulahoola about having a review of the experience with someone. I felt very similar to you after the birth of DD (emergency C section after days of induction failures) and it wasn't until nearly three years later that I actually talked through what had happened with a midwife, when I was pregnant again and considering options for the birth. I cried through the whole thing but it helped so much and she just properly listened to everything I had to say. After that I really felt able to put it behind me and move on. I wish I could have done that sooner, as I was very anxious and negative about the whole experience when my daughter was a baby.

It has been a major and traumatic experience for you and it is completely natural that you are preoccupied with it.

Sorry Sepa, took so long typing that I didn't see your most recent post.

Matilda - yes, I remember exactly what you describe from my notes. I couldn't relate what had been written with the experience I had had (in hospital for a week after the birth).

Everyone "fails" their DC in some way. It is part of parenthood. Everything can't work out textbook perfect every time. For most of us the fails come thick and fast.

You might find counselling helpful. I'm thinking for the feelings of guilt over something that doesn't actually matter that much in the end (bf) and wasn't even caused by you.

A good night's sleep helps a hell of a lot too.

I could have written your post.

It gets easier.

I didn't find the birth reflections any help as they just justified their position and basically said I was wrong. I hope you get a better result.

It really does get easier. I promise. Give yourself some slack. Enjoy your baby whatever way you're feeding and snuggle down for a newborn cuddle.

You're doing fine.

You poor thing

I had a horrendous, long labour. I begged them for an epidural and it was refused. Think of the screamers on OBEM. That was me. For hours.

I'm sure I had ptsd afterwards because of it and I couldn't stop thinking about the birth for months. I'd tell anyone and everyone how terrible it was.

I had counselling afterwards and am having long term counselling now so I think that has helped but I think it's your brain and body's way of starting to understand what happened.

Birth can be very traumatic and brutal. Your hormones will probably be going bonkers as well. You'll get through this in your own time and there's no shame in feeling how you do.

Sounds like you had a very poor experience, I'm really sorry.

As others have said, FF your baby is so, so okay, you don't need to feel any guilt attached to this, but, if you are keen to establish / reestablish BF, you can find some good info on relactation on sites like Kellymom. No doubt that too might be a difficult journey, but it might be something worth looking at if you felt it right for your situation.

for you

I have two children, both were traumatic births.
My son was born 3 months prematurely weighing only 1lb 14oz. It was 3 months before I could bring him home and those 3 months were so fraught with complications. I nearly lost him twice. He was left severely disabled.

Yet, it's my daughter's birth that still gives me nightmares, years after the event.
She came home with me after 3 days and was healthy and I was over the moon to have her.
What I couldn't cope with was how badly I was treated during her birth.
I was held down, legs open, whilst people walked in and out of the room, shouted at for being stupid, had procedures carried out on me and they'd refuse to stop even when I was screaming in pain and begging them to get off me.

Even now, I feel angry when I hear people tell other's they shouldn't view their birth experience as bad simply because they have a healthy baby at the end of it and to tell op that her baby isn't enough for her is absolutely disgusting!!

My son's birth was far less traumatic for me, yet according to some- that's the only one I should be feeling traumatised about- when in fact it's the other way round!

Sepa

I deeply relate.

Just to say, 9 weeks ago I too had my waters break. I too did not go into labour either. I stayed a while at home and then later experienced a chaotic ward. I can also sympathise with your not pleasent encounters with staff too unfortunately.

Our experiences deviate in that I started to show signs of infection and became really distressed during induction. It was the starting point of PTSD really.

My son was born by emergency section. We had to stay in 7 days due to us both being quite ill with sepsis. In the midst of the trauma, I remember how devistated I was having to introduce formula.

Please, PM if you wish, as we have so much cross over. It might be good for us to talk

I had an awful birth and was unconscious when dd arrived by emergency csection. DH wasn't allowed in the room either so we both missed the birth. I struggled to get her to latch and was given no support and discharged with her on the bottle. I cried a lot and was very upset for ages but time does heal. I laugh now at all the errors made as it is a lot easier than crying. You will find a way past it. Talk to friends and family about how upset you are and get it out so you can move on.

I'm still recovering from my daughter's traumatic arrival into the world. She's 5. Counselling is helping. Take care of yourself. It's very early days.

Do you know if your able to request a copy of your notes?

My hospital sent them for free.

I waited til 15 months to get that debrief - i can't tell you what a difference it made. I wish, WISH, WISH i had done it much sooner. It helped - i'd carried a lot round with me. As the midwife upthread says - bypass low level people and contact the Head Midwife through her PA.
So for me - time wasn't healing. By 18 months i'd shrugged it off to a large extent. So don't think you have to be better to go in - i'd encourage you to go now while it's fresh. Get your DP to do the calling to set it up and make sure they go too as it's prob affected both of you.
It does fade - you do process it. I can look back and acknowledge how shit it was without the ptsd "shakes" i used to get.
You are not making a fuss - this stuff really matters. i lost a lot of time in a fog of regret and i would hate to see anyone else do that.
If the BFinv is really bothering you why don't you ring the NCT. The people on the phone are so well trained and empathetic - they'd be the best ones to reassure you that you are doing the best for your DC. (I know that's ironic given that they promote BF.)

OP, I'm really sorry you had to go through this. It sounds as if you were treated very badly. And YANBU to still be feeling upset about it - a traumatic birth can affect you for a very long time afterwards .

I'm from the Birth Trauma Association, and, sadly, we hear many stories like yours. It may help to make a complaint to the hospital if you feel strong enough and also to ask for a debrief (many of our members have found debriefing helpful, but a lot depends on the person who conducts it).

Physiologically, it can be very hard to breastfeed after a birth like the one you had, so no-one has the right to make you feel bad about it.

If you want to talk to other women who have had a similar experience and may be able to advise on things like debriefing, you can ask to join our Facebook group, which is at: www.facebook.com/groups/TheBTA/

Gosh I was in for 5 days after EMCS. I had to beg to go home on day 6 and DD had been feeding well for days (but I hadn't got my milk yet). I just can't believe you were treated like that .

Thank you CakeNinja he's two months old.

Thank you all for replying. Sorry it wasn't sooner but me and baby have been out for the day!

kimthomas I have requested to join the Facebook group so thank you for letting me know about it.

It's so sad that it seems quiet common for traumatic births.
I think my first step will be to request all the birth notes dating back to before the birth etc. I have seen that this can cost £50 but I don't mind the cost if I can look back at my own pace before requesting a birth debriefing.

For people that have previously asked for notes, I have seen that you can request notes from the surgery (I guess like a transcript) is this correct and did you get them from surgery?

My surgery were clueless. They're kept at the delivering hospital here. (Wales).

I meant the surgery as in if you had a c-section type surgery. I have just re read and it does look like I meant dr surgery. I think my notes are kept at the hospital also

Oh sepa I've been reading this thinking how awful it must have been for the op and I've just realised its you
I'm so sorry you're struggling to come to terms with things-have you spoken to your HV about it? I'm still adamant DD is an only one after my failed induction and c section-I don't think I'll ever get over all the examinations and stress.
I hope you and your little one are both well and that you can get some answers from the hospital.

Oh no, poor you! This sounds awful! It sounds like you've already had some great advice here, so I've nothing further to add apart from saying you're doing a great job, and it is the toughest job ever.
I was so busy before my baby arrived that I don't think I knew nearly enough. I couldn't even go to the anti natal classes as stupidly I was so focussed on a job that didn't care two hoots about me so I didn't even know birth trauma was a thing! So I was very confused when I felt completely in shock after what I felt was a very brutal natural birth. It took me weeks to piece together fragments of memories in my mind, grilling my OH for days for details that he could remember more clearly than I could. Thankfully about 3 months in I felt I was into the swing of this baby malarkey (maybe I'm a slow learner?) and that really helped me move past the birth trauma I was experiencing. Maybe for others it happens sooner, maybe for some it takes longer, but it will happen for you soon. You'll start to feel that you can concentrate on what is happening in front of you, rather than what's behind you.
Thank you for sharing, well done on being a super new mummy, and good luck. X

Gosh, this sounds very reminiscent of the birth of my own DD. Also broken waters, sent away, followed by a week of early labour, then proper breaking of waters, sent away again, and failed induction over days ending in an emergency c-section. I was so utterly exhausted by the time she arrived that it was a poor start with her and I feel so sad about that. Aftercare was appalling too (too much awful stuff to go into here, but it was almost as traumatic as the labour and birth itself).

I have come to the realisation that maternity care in the UK is just often really crap. I know that is not much of a consolation at all, but just in case you are blaming anyone but the system, you need to remember that this is not in anyway your fault. I had my second child by elective c-section in Australia, and the contrast with my first was massive. The trauma of this experience will continue to effect you for quite a while, and the birth of my second did trigger much of it, but with time you also gain perspective.

You should know that you don't necessarily have to deal with these feelings right now. You can focus on your baby now, and deal with the other stuff later. I have a vivid memory of having to give my little baby formula after we brought her home, as she was not gaining weight quickly enough, and feeling like I was literally giving her poison - I was distraught. That was a hormone-induced overreaction, of course. In the scheme of things, it really didn't make any difference in the long run, and indeed, she needed it to help put on weight. Don't underestimate how much your physical and mental recovery is effecting how you feel about this. You have plenty of time. I have found having a second child extremely healing, but it also still makes me feel angry at how terrible my first maternity experience was.

Oh, sorry! (Tired eyes!)

I got my complete notes. By far the most detailed is the midwives' running commentary. I had forceps delivery and there's literally one form that covers that bit with very little detail. Just anaesthetic used, kind of delivery, episiotomy stitched and amount of blood lost. That's it.

I'm very lucky in the fact that the birth hasn't affected how I feel about DD in a negative way. If anything, I think that it has probably made me a bit over protective and I suffer with paranoia about infant death (to the point I always check her breathing when she is asleep) which I know is a complete overreaction!

Not mentioned in the original post, but I had 2 failed epidurals during the labour and I can still feel where they stuck the needle in my back multiple times but only if I'm touching that part of my back say for itching or stretching my back out. It's things like this where you have little reminders/flashbacks to the reason it's sore.

I have complete blanks for some of my labour where OH will saying something to me (mostly in the early days) and I really have no recollection of it happening.

Many people have said that I can re establish breast feeding. Unfortunately I have a health condition which I take medication for which I went back onto when it was apparent that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed DD which I was happy to stay off for a while so I could breastfeed.

champagne how are you and your DD getting on. I remember your labour thread very well!

I think being able to talk to people here who have (unfortunately) also had a hard time with labour helps me as most people I know in RL had very straightforward labours so they don't really realise how affected by this I am and I feel like I kind of get it dismissed as I have a healthy baby and that's all that matter. I am extremely lucky that DD is healthy and happy and I do know this