This is a text exchange from today spread out between half five and half nine, exactly as you see it.
Back story: Divorced for 5 years plus. Two sons - 11 and 13 (13 is autistic) - who stay at his most weekends, from where he takes them on the bus to school on a Monday morning. I drive, he doesn't. We have a really really hard time communicating as you can see, but I know that I'm putting effort into it & I really do not know if he is or not. I find him quite frightening for lots of historical reasons, so I'm not very natural with him any more, and I just don't know how to take a lot of what he says, but I feel that he's quite rude, especially for someone who is so alert for anything in my tone to object to (this happens a lot). But actually he just bewilders me. And angers me, it must be said. More info on request.
Can you help me out here and tell me if aibu to think that one of us is really hard work here and that it's not me?
I am D for deeppan & he is R.
D: [13 yo Son] thinks his braces are at yours, are they?
R: Yeah - by the side of his bed. Despite my repeated … whatever … they really have to both up their game re their stuff. Bit tired of this now. Let’s both be hardline please. They need some discipline on this one. No violin his weekend because you couldn’t trust [son] to get it through school, I hear. Life-training. I/we can’t do this shit for them forever …
D: What does it mean, hardline? In terms of action?
R: Oh for goodness sake! Train them to organise themselves. Stick and carrot. You know … help them be self-reliant and all that …
D: What would the stick and carrot be, for example? Are you thinking to punish [son] for forgetting his braces?
R: No. Are you deliberately missing the point? They have to learn to organise themselves so we need to be a creative about teaching them how to do this. So be creative. Me too…
D: I need you to make sure they have everything they need on a Monday morning. Mondays are not good as teachable moments. They are your responsibility. By all means be creative at other times.
R: On the other hand ‘punishment’ is not a bad word, imposed with kindness. [Son] said you said he would have to pay for his new braces because he lost his pair. Did you stick to this? And if he lost his violin what would happen then?
D: Yes, he’s paying for his new braces.
R: Consequences is a better word than punishment …
R: Good
R: You send them to school on 4 days a week, me on 1. It is their responsibility and they need to rise to the occasion. You have 5 times the opportunity to train them at this, yet i am the bad guy. Don’t think so, sorry …
D: This conversation is over.
R: Yep.
R: Yep.
D: Actually this conversation isn’t over. On Monday mornings it is your responsibility to make sure they have important things with them for the WHOLE WEEK. Yours. Forgetting doesn’t make you a ‘bad guy’, that’s nonsense. It just means that you forgot something important and you need to take responsibility for that. I think you should take his braces to [son] at school this week so that I don’t - yet again - have to make a special trip to [your town].
R: Actually this conversation is over. I’m in london from tomorrow until thursday. I have arranged things with the boys and will only ring them on thursday this week.
D: I see. Perhaps a checklist on the door in future that everyone can look at on their way out. We do it here & it’s good discipline for them. The final responsibility is, however, yours.
R: Thank you -this is very helpful actually. We will do this. It is a great idea and genuinely helpful - thank you again. Really, deeppan, could we do more of this kind of practical chat in future?This helps me a lot and is really valuable. The rhetoric stuff is really not. Can we cut that maybe? Great idea - we’ll do that from this weekend. Sorry i was so crap as to not think of it myself!
D: What rhetoric?
D: Thanks for the apology. You did come out swinging rather, which makes a sensible conversation hard to get around to.
R: Goodnight Deeppan.
D: Of course. And I think you should reread this series of texts in the morning after a good night’s sleep. That’s friendly advice btw :)
R: And you too, thoughtfully.