to hate the term "real woman" - argument with SIL

[pardonisallthesuitihaveinhand]

At dinner family dinner yesterday after school and I am on diet so politely told MIL not a lot of rice for me. Wasn't in a weird manic way at all. No one batted an eye lid except SIL who rolled hers. Didn't mind - I'm not a baby and diets can come across as annoying to some people .

Eating dinner and MIL says my arms look more toned - I say thanks and that I'm really enjoying getting back into the gym (again in a normal conversational way). SIL scoffs. Again - The whole gym bunny diet thing can be regarded as boring and annoying. I hate people that go on about fitness but all I've done is ask for less rice and respond to a compliment. We usually get along - so I casually said "Whats that for?"

She went on a little "i'm a real woman and I'm not going to kill myself in the gym enjoy your life and eat what you want" rant. It wasn't aggressive but had nasty undertones. The "real woman" comment smarted.

She mentioned her weight and stretch marks and excess skin represent what "real" motherhood is about.

She wasn't saying "real" in the context of "average" which is fair. It was more so "proper" or "legitimate" or even "serious"

It made me angry....we are all real mums. Breastfeeders / bottle feeders / stay at home mums / working mums / skinny mums / chubby mums / gym mums / i hate the gym mums / stretch marks/ no stretch marks/ body confident / body insecure / cellulite / no cellulite/ the odd night out / never leaving the house.....we are all doing our best to not kill the kids be a good parent!!

So I said society expects women to put on weight after children - it's natural and what bloody happens. Hardly makes you more "real" or dedicated to mothering than someone who loses their baby weight.

Anyway I've said sorry but she wont let it go. Apparently I don't know what it's like to not be skinny. What's that got to do with your ability to be a good mum i.e a "real mum" / "real woman". We go on and on about how it's what is on the inside that counts but label each other as more "real" or "dedicated" based on SIZE? WTF?

AIBU to hate the term and think she's being OTT? We are all bloody real mums. I've got the screaming DD's, dirty nappy's, and stash of wine headaches to prove it. What more does she want?

.

Where is the transphobia? Nobody has mentioned transpeople.

Transphobia

My point was that excess weight doesn't have to be a consequence of having babies. If someone like the OP SIL has a problem with her own body and weight, she should do something about it, instead of being nasty against those who make the effort.

No, I'm not the SIL, but comments like that are the reason the SIL feels the need to say those things.
You're as bad as she is.

Thefitfatty

Excuse me?
Woman minding her own business, suddenly being attacked and told that she is not a real woman and mother because she doesn't have stretch marks, excess skin and excess weight?

I am great thank you, and not attacking anyone. If you have a problem with my body type and yours, do something about yours. I am not going to feel any less of a woman because I look good.

The term "real woman" is stupid and insulting. You don't even need to have children to be a real woman in the first place anyway. What is that all about?

Every woman looks good. Every woman is real. Regardless of whether you think they take care of themselves.

Jealous Sister you have there!

I hate the term 'real women / real woman', to me it has no meaning. I would also argue that it could be deemed as discriminatory when considering the women who have transitioned and are real women too.

Her issues, she's not happy with herself and so she's taking it out on you as you probably represent what she wants to look more like. Ignore her.

Christ is it actually possible for a thread about women to happen without it somehow becoming about trans issues?

Christ is it actually possible for a thread about women to happen without it somehow becoming about trans issues?

Completely agree

Christ is it actually possible for a thread about women to happen without it somehow becoming about trans issues?

Alisvolatpropiis & Queenbean...apologies, but I'm new to the forums, so not aware of what has gone on in the past. I mentioned this as transgender issues are important to me, particularly as we are in an inclusive society, and through my professional and personal lives I've seen so many transitioning women struggle.

You hit a nerve. People only over react to things like that when they feel threatened and she feels threatened by you. There's no way she's 100% happy with her "real woman" self if she's spitting out vitriol at you across the dinner table.

A good way to deal with that kind of thing is to let her say her piece and don't respond for a good ten seconds. It will be REALLY awkward. Then just politely say something like: "Of course you're a real woman SIL, absolutely! I didn't mean to upset you."

She'll be squirming for making a scene and it's blindingly obvious to everyone else there what the motivations are.