to hate the term "real woman" - argument with SIL

[pardonisallthesuitihaveinhand]

At dinner family dinner yesterday after school and I am on diet so politely told MIL not a lot of rice for me. Wasn't in a weird manic way at all. No one batted an eye lid except SIL who rolled hers. Didn't mind - I'm not a baby and diets can come across as annoying to some people .

Eating dinner and MIL says my arms look more toned - I say thanks and that I'm really enjoying getting back into the gym (again in a normal conversational way). SIL scoffs. Again - The whole gym bunny diet thing can be regarded as boring and annoying. I hate people that go on about fitness but all I've done is ask for less rice and respond to a compliment. We usually get along - so I casually said "Whats that for?"

She went on a little "i'm a real woman and I'm not going to kill myself in the gym enjoy your life and eat what you want" rant. It wasn't aggressive but had nasty undertones. The "real woman" comment smarted.

She mentioned her weight and stretch marks and excess skin represent what "real" motherhood is about.

She wasn't saying "real" in the context of "average" which is fair. It was more so "proper" or "legitimate" or even "serious"

It made me angry....we are all real mums. Breastfeeders / bottle feeders / stay at home mums / working mums / skinny mums / chubby mums / gym mums / i hate the gym mums / stretch marks/ no stretch marks/ body confident / body insecure / cellulite / no cellulite/ the odd night out / never leaving the house.....we are all doing our best to not kill the kids be a good parent!!

So I said society expects women to put on weight after children - it's natural and what bloody happens. Hardly makes you more "real" or dedicated to mothering than someone who loses their baby weight.

Anyway I've said sorry but she wont let it go. Apparently I don't know what it's like to not be skinny. What's that got to do with your ability to be a good mum i.e a "real mum" / "real woman". We go on and on about how it's what is on the inside that counts but label each other as more "real" or "dedicated" based on SIZE? WTF?

AIBU to hate the term and think she's being OTT? We are all bloody real mums. I've got the screaming DD's, dirty nappy's, and stash of wine headaches to prove it. What more does she want?

.

I used to be skinny and I got so sick of the "real woman" comments. If you say anything back you get accused of fat shaming.

Almost as bad as "you need to eat a sausage roll" comments.. Hmm.. maybe you don't.

As I say I'm not skinny now but always found it very weird how it's seemingly ok to be rude about someone being slim. I'm not big now, I like to eat. A lot. So I work hard in the gym as I don't want to be big. That's my personal choice. I don't think someone naturally thin, naturally fat, tall, short, whatever is anymore of a real woman than anyone else.

"You don't have to put someone else down to make yourself feel better. We're all women and we're all real. My choices are exactly that - mine. I don't pick at your lifestyle choices so please have the common courtesy not to niggle at mine."

Accompanied by a calm stare and then a subject change.

However I appreciate that this approach might end up causing more problems than it solves!

I exercise 7+ hours a week (until recently- HG has put a stop to it for now). I do this because it's good for my health. There's a history of diabetes in my family, and I'm trying to make the risk as small as possible. Being an adult and responsibility for my health doesn't stop me being a "real woman". And don't even get me started on how much "real woman" makes me cringe!

Take the piss. Any more real woman comments,
look down your top or pants and say "looks real to
me" or "want to feel my tits to make sure I'm not one of those pretend women?" "Shit! I'm imaginary! Why wasn't I told?" "Fuck, I'm not real, I'd better see a doctor" "Does that mean I get to be in the patriarchy?" "Shame my periods aren't imaginary." "Shhh! Don't tell anyone. People can be terrible realists."

Can anyone else think of any?

I agree with you. I didn't come out from years of eating disorders, finding my way to being healthy and with it slim, just to be told I am not "real".

pardon if she was really happy about her shape she wouldn't give a damn about yours.

If she's happy where does the anger come from?

pardon you don't often here nice fat, nice short, nice sick, nice paralyzed. Nice as an adjective is generally used only for what is considered positive. The poster could have said "I'm a thin real woman" totally valid. You can be any kind of real woman. Saying "nice thin".... Well... That has a different meaning

What size are you and what size is she?

I can't stand the whole 'real women' thing either, but it sounds like your sil has her own issues surrounding her weight, and is trying to put you down to make herself feel better. It's very unlikely to be about anything you've said or done, happy people don't feel the need to criticise other peoples differences and choices.

Well done you for taking control of your weight.

Yes Raasey I hate this saying and don't really understand it. What does it even mean?
I think it's just a way of putting all women in our place (as usual) to stop us focusing on our real strengths, and keep us comparing ourselves and thinking ourselves as different.
Real women come in all shapes, sizes and abilities and we sould celebrate that.

Bloody hate the "real women/woman" thing. YANBU at all.

YANBU. It's just another way of skinny-shaming.

im around a 10 on a good day she's around a 18 maybe

Thefitfatty

My comment was about the weight and stretch marks and excess skin represent what "real" motherhood is about nonsense. My point was that excess weight doesn't have to be a consequence of having babies. If someone like the OP SIL has a problem with her own body and weight, she should do something about it, instead of being nasty against those who make the effort.

The women I described in my comment have the most different bodies I could think about!

She obviously feels sensitive about her weight and therefore defensive.

I know you request for less rice was a normal one but I think it set her off.

Nevertheless it's not your fault she is overweight

You realize you didn't actually help yourself there sharknad0?

Little concerned about all the transphobia on this thread

I hate the expression. I'm around a size 8. I'm no more or less real than anyone else. Try shouting "if you cut me do I not bleed" next time she starts.

There's no transphobia FGS.

Thefitfatty

not really, are you the SIL?

You should have replied "Yes, you're a real woman. A real FAT woman!!!" (Talking as a size 20 woman, who's no more real than anyone else)

Me too Stepped It's totally unnecessary.

YANBU. I don't understand this fat v thin thing. A friend of mine put one of those memes on FB the other day: 'I'd rather have a friend with two chins than two faces'. As a very old friend of hers and a slim person I felt a bit - was the implication that if I don't have two chins I'm a bit of a bitch in some way? Probably being oversensitive though!

I wonder if her mum wasn't complimenting you as a way of getting at her daughter for being unfit? (Or if SIL thought that was what her mum was doing)? Well done you for getting to the gym and toning up.