To take his phone?

[basketweaver2012]

My DS 12 has his own phone, renewable sim deal which I pay for every month. It doesn't cost a fortune and once he's used his data etc that's it till next month. He understands and is fine with this.
He now has a new girlfriend and is spending hours on the phone to her at a time. ( I can't even get a text back usually!)
I've set him up with whatsapp and told him to call using this so he isn't using his minutes, so he knows I'm fine with him chit chatting to her.
we have a rule that no phones or iPads allowed in the bedrooms over night, I tell both DCs that I will take them downstairs and charge them in the kitchen for the next day.
DS has said the last few nights his phones downstairs and is fine for charge so I've left it at that, however this morning I went into his room to wake him up and see the phone popping out from under his pillow.
Ive then checked his messages and see he's been texting said girl until almost midnight, having gone to bed at 9!!!
I've checked on both DCs when I go up so he's obviously heard me coming and pretended to be asleep but I'm really cross that he's lied.
But then I do understand he's giddy and probably wants to be chatting to her but he's still lied to me to get what he wants which is his phone!
The worst part is that I have skimmed these messages to make sure everything is above board from both ends and see that he is regular swearing in his texts.
'fuck' appears quite often and I know he's doing it to appear cool or whatever but I'm so disappointed that he's speaking like this and also like this to a gir!!
I've told him that he should never speak to other people like this and it's not cool and he's making himself look an idiot and that her parents wouldn't be happy if they were to read these messages.
Hes the sweetest kid usually and I can't understand why he's acting like this!
Ive taken the phone off him and I can see his gutted.
I think it needs to be gone a month or so along with other decides, but I'm not sure if I'm being too harsh?

[Luckything50]

I also have 12yr old ds who has the same phone routine and is generally pretty good - although I let him have it at weekends as not so worried then about bed times. I find your primary concern about the language interesting though, as just tonight I was on my sons Instagram account (legitimately) and found a conversation section I didn't know existed. His friends, including many girls and boys who I've thought of as articulate and charming, are being generally vile and abusive to each other - lots of dick references, shagging, 'fuck off ginger wanker' etc, blah blah, just stuff I would have thought of more from 15-16 year olds. It was educational and gave me an insight into his world I didn't have. It makes me want to ease up on them really when I can see they have this behaviour to learn to cope with and fit in with whilst trying to appear cool and one of the boys.

[FerkTheeesSheet]

Kudos for trying to bring your boy up to have some respect to women! That's great.

I wouldn't be happy about the swearing either, from a 'girls parent' point of view - but I did swear at that age! I don't think I'd have had the gall to write it down for fear of having incriminating evidence! (no texting in those days) but my friends and I swore between ourselves.

I agree with a previous poster that a stern warning may be sufficient if teamed with making sure the phone is definitely in your possession by 7/8pm (if 9pm is normally the curfew) for a month? But a blanket ban for a month may be a bit harsh.

[BertrandRussell]

"Kudos for trying to bring your boy up to have some respect to women! That's great."

So the swearing would have been fine if he had been messaging a boy?

[FerkTheeesSheet]

Sorry, just read that back!! patronising cow sorry op, wasn't my intention!!

[FerkTheeesSheet]

Well no Bert, I text between my friends, and I swear god forbid
But I suppose if I was texting a romantic interest, I probably wouldn't??
If I was texting a boss or a contemporary, I probably wouldn't?
What's your point?

[Lilacpink40]

How about 2-3 days now, a week if it happens again, 2wks if repeats, then 3, 4 etc. You'll have to say swearing is wrong, but do you really want to spy and 'police' this?

[Lilacpink40]

I meant removing the phone for using it at night, not for swearing!

[DuckAndPancakes]

Oh good god.
You're being way over the top. Him swearing in conversation with a girl at the age of 12 means nothing and has nothing to do with disrespecting women.

Kids swear. As long as he's not calling you/her a cock gobbling thundercunt I wouldn't worry too much. If he's not been in trouble for it at school or for actually being overtly sweary at your, get over it.

[JuxtapositionRecords]

Aww do you not remember being young and thinking you are in love?? I know he has lied but he is obviously desperate to talk to her and pulled a fast one - I would tell him again the phone is NOT to be used overnight (can you charge in your bedroom?) and that you are not happy about the lying. I wouldn't punish him just for this though, it's all part of growing up. If he does it again, then review some form of punishment.

[BertrandRussell]

We should teach our boys -and our girls incidentally - about appropriate language and about treating other people well.Not about treating women like fragile beings that need special "respect"

[HappyNevertheless]

You lot have strange ideas.
When the OP said she wasn't happy about the swearing his his text to his
Gf, I never thought it was because she is a fragile little flower.
I thought 'Well, yes you don't speak like this to another human being let alone to someone you are/want to be close to'.

As the OP said, he has been speaking like this to a friend too (I assume this was a boy).

But accepting could language 'because that's what teenagers do anyway' is a bit like saying 'well I accept that my DC smoke or have unprotected sex because that's what teenagers do anyway. They feel invicible'.
They might do, some of them more than others. IT doesn't mean it is to be approved off.

[FerkTheeesSheet]

Oh for goodness sakes Bert.
I'll stick with teaching my kids to be kind to everybody unless they give you good reason and to show respect where it's due.
I see no harm in a "ffs" message between friends, when they are of an age to understand context and not using it just for the sake. I'm not some sweary gobshite who can't behave when they are in company and I know when to be appropriate. That's what I'm going to teach my kids, not a load of feminist guff.

[bridgetoc]

FerkTheeesSheets....Berts point is that we should teach our kids to be respectful towards each other no matter what sex they are, but if a boy insists on swearing at his male friends, then he should also swear at his female friends, because it sexist not to. It's madness of course!

OP.... You are right to teach your son not to swear when texting, or at any other time. Just because kids do it, does not make it right. One month is harsh I think. A stern warning is suffice, and make sure you don't fall for his nonsense again. No phone in his bedroom after your set time!

[pouncehill]

Personally the swearing wouldn't be an issue. If he was swearing to be mean or hurtful to someone then I would suggest taking phone away.
A little swear word isn't going to hurt and they hear a lot worse (and probably say a lot worse) at school.

Maybe let him have the phone at night and if he's up till the early hours texting then that's tough because he'll still have to be up early for school and expected to behave well etc etc.

[CopperPot]

I would be more worried about him looking at porn tbh than texting a girl.

[mrsmugoo]

Oooh harsh! YABU!

I would confiscate for 24 hours for the lying and then downstairs overnight non negotiable thereafter.

Don't mention the swearing, it's just normal teenage parlance. Although I do agree with you on what the girl's parents would say if they saw - but he would have to learn that lesson for himself.

[ollieplimsoles]

He's entering an age were everything is confusing, his social life is everything and he will be trying to impress his friends.

He's usually lovely and causes you no trouble.

Don't take his phone off him, just remind him what you expect of him.

And don't check his messages to this girl anymore, you will break his trust and he could develop more secretive, devious behavioural traits to try and get around your rules.

[BertrandRussell]

"FerkTheeesSheets....Berts point is that we should teach our kids to be respectful towards each other no matter what sex they are, but if a boy insists on swearing at his male friends, then he should also swear at his female friends, because it sexist not to. It's madness of course!"

Yeah- that's exactly what I said!

[bridgetoc]

Bert..... I know that's what you said, and it's madness, or feminist guff as Ferk put it.

[BertrandRussell]

Ah. You don't recognize "sarcasm".

In clear then. No, that's not what I said.

[basketweaver2012]

I don't mind swearing, I swear! Always have and its a useful language to get a point across!
I accept that he will swear, it's just that the girls he's texting appears very special to him, she's lovely back and i haven't seen her swear once so it's not even in context!
If he's trying to make himself look cool id rather he sold himself in a better way than trying to be something he's not really! Like I say, he's lovely, very deep and bookish, would rather read about warship history than play football and most of all, whilst he's young I would hate for him to think this is how we speak to our loved ones, because whilst yes it does happen, as an adult I wouldn't like my OH swearing like a sailor all the bloody time just for the sake of it!

[basketweaver2012]

Anyway.... Phone will be returned Wednesday. I've let him text her night night

[basketweaver2012]

And in no way am I teaching my DC that women are little flowers. Im a single mum working full time in a job most men would shy away from. I teach them to be independent and that they are responsible for themselves and that sometimes live is bloody tough and sometimes its great when we make it happen.
Respect is earnt!

[Fairenuff]

Does he have unlimited talk time or do you keep topping it up for him?