AIBU to not want sister staying over for no good reason?

[RiverCambs]

We have a bit of a rocky relationship - we've never really seen eye-to-eye on things. She has always been financially irresponsible and relies on our parents for money (she's 23) which always annoys me. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, it's always someone else's fault, she doesn't see why she might be the problem. Has had about 7 jobs in as many years (there's always a problem with the people there/she ends up falling out with colleagues because 'they're bitchy', and so on and so forth). She has been given SO much help both financially, physically and mentally over the years (from me, parents and her ex-BF) but always fritters it away, and then the cycle of 'I have no money, can you lend me some' continues.

My main gripe is that she asks to sleep at mine at LEAST once a week. I have a small one-bed apartment and I'm an introvert. I don't mind hanging out with her but I don't see why she needs to sleep at mine so frequently. Her reason is always "I'm lonely/I feel emotional/I don't want to be on my own/it's easier if I stay at yours because you're closer to my work" and I can't help thinking YOU'RE AN ADULT. Learn how to be on your own for more than a week without asking for a sleepover.

She's not a particularly good guest either - will sit on the sofa ALL day watching stuff on my laptop, sleeps completely naked sprawled out on my bed, asks that we don't open the curtains so we're stagnating in the dark all day.. the list goes on.

WIBU to tell her that no she can't stay over, that I want my own space? And that we're adults, you can't just have a sleepover when you feel a bit sad? (In a slightly softer way!)

Could you do a Turner and Hooch next time she comes over and lead her about the place issuing instructions "this is NOT your room, we do NOT sleep in the nip on my sofa". I know I'm being glib but can't you just be direct and say to her that it's your house, your rules? My brother visits fairly regularly with his wife and children and when they stay I'm sure it's never stressful because if we piss one another off we just say "what are you doing that for, bellend?" and it's done. Direct and concise is the way to go.

if we piss one another off we just say "what are you doing that for, bellend?" and it's done. Direct and concise is the way to go.

I've tried being direct with her as well as the softy softy approach. She doesn't take well to being 'told' what to do, by anyone. So often I find myself treading of eggshells around her in an attempt to keep the peace.

A petty example: I have two keys and I gave her one set so she could use them if she was ever desperate. She asked if she could stay, I said yes but that I wouldn't be back till later.

I get home to EVERY single light on which immediately got my back up, as she has no concept of how bills add up (or she just doesn't think), and both of my water jugs have been left on the side for hours so they're both warm. The bed was a mess and she had been smoking on my balcony. I asked her if she could put the water back in the fridge when she was done with it, and she then told me to shut up and live and let live.

Now I know this seems trivial, but it's little things like that that make me not want her over.

While I don't want to discount those saying this could be a pathological problem, not everyone who is dependent, needy and overemotional is pathologically ill. Some people are just demanding, rude and inconsiderate - especially if they're young and have always been able to rely on someone else to sort out any problem that arises. There is a possibility the OP's sister has ASD, but she might also just be a spoiled 23-year old arse.

In either case, nothing good is going to happen from enabling the current situation to continue indefinitely. Either a diagnosis needs to be made (which entails recognition there is a problem) or she simply needs to buck her ideas up (which entails recognition there is a problem).

Change the locks. She has lost all right to the privilege of letting herself into your home!

Please don't describe autism as "pathologically Ill" holly. It is neither.

she might also just be a spoiled 23-year old arse.

She might, it's true, but it's striking that she also has sensory sensitivities and organisational issues.

Start saying no when she asks to stay over so she gets out of the habit. It doesn't sound as though you get on that well any way and age 23 she needs to develop a bit of resilience. I wouldn't want someone staying with me once a week every week, especially someone who didn't look after the house. It isn't your job to look after her. If you lived away she'd have to manage. It sounds like an unhealthy parent-child dynamic for siblings to have.

Sorry, 'pathologically ill' is a tautology!

If something is a genuine illness, then it is by definition a pathology, right? We might not understand whether AS disorders are caused by genetic, environmental or other factors (or a combination of all three) but they are a real, genuine illness and not something just made-up and put on. That's all I meant by the word 'pathology'. I was trying to use it to distinguish between a case where someone genuinely has a disorder and a case where someone is just being difficult because they're being difficult, and not because they are ill (like me when I am in a bad mood).

Oh, and just to clarify: I work with someone who thinks autism is 'just made up' so that's probably why I wanted to stress my belief that it is genuine and not some kind of 'middle-class fiction' (his words).

but they are a real, genuine illness

No not an illness.

Autism is no more an illness than Dyslexia is.

Really?

I thought ASD had a distinct neuropathology, and a number of possible genetic/environmental causes?

Maybe I've misunderstood!

How old are you OP? She's 23, I was AN UTTER TWAT at that age, really, if I met myself today, I'd be unbearable, but I was young, all posters saying, 'She's an adult', must be congratulated on having their shit together at a young age, that doesn't seem to come with compassion though.

She's your sister, it took me a good 40 years to have a really good relationship with one of mine, but now it's brilliant, really brilliant, I can't think of anyone else in the world I'd rather spend time with.

But if you'd asked me 20 years ago? I'd have laughed in your face, we couldn't have been more different, complete opposites.

HOWEVER, 20 years ago she phoned me, I was young, single, working in the City, she was doing her MA and was pregnant, things weren't great in her relationship and she was at sea, distressed and didn't know where to go, I offered to drop EVERYTHING to get a flat with her and help her with her child even though at that stage in our relationship we'd sooner have spat at each-other than chatted.

Because that's what family do, especially siblings, you have to have each-other's back, you may need it yourself one day. You have a shared history, the same experiences, one day, you'll realise no-one understands you like they do.

And yes, your irritations are trivial, you sound like children fighting over space, squabbling siblings.

I'm guessing you'll get over it though.

Shove have you tried kicking him in the nether regions and telling him the pain he's allegedly feeling is "patriarchal bollocks"? Pun intended.

'She'd been smoking on my balcony'

How very fucking dare she.

And seven jobs in seven years? So from when she was 16 then? Which is a) Entirely typical and b) Shows she has a work ethic.

You do sound hilariously like my sister when we were young.

We totally love each-other now though.

I thought ASD had a distinct neuropathology, and a number of possible genetic/environmental causes?

So does lefthandedness. Presumably you'd be politer about that though?

Hound I disagree this is trivial. My brother is still a child. I am not. I'm 45, he's 47. Infantilised by a narcissistic mother and golden child with me assigned the role as Scapegoat. He takes over my home, has no boundaries, little respect and ridicules my chronic illness as all in my head. He and his wife offered me a bed when my husband and I split for a while many years ago and it was a distressing experience for me. I tiptoed around and tried my best to be invisible, cleaning the house, shopping and cooking. I ended up flitting between them and my mother's house, where I was equally emotionally abused. This is a snapshot of ops life and her parents are telling her she should parent her elder sibling.

Janecc, but you are older, at your (our) age I would suggest you tell your brother to fuck right off, you don;t have to put up with that shit.

I suspect OP is young though, when we are young adults, life can seem very polarised, we're Very Fucking Certain our way is best, and especially if there were sibling issues in the home, it can be difficult to forge an adult relationship independent of that. I'm just counselling caution, a softly softly approach, rather than a guns blazing 'FUCK OF YOU NARC CUNT'.

That can come later if needed, people mature at different rates, I'm one of five, my husband's one of seven, sibling relationships need time to mature, we don't all segue seamlessly from childhood to adulthood.

It's a nice pretence, and for the 'super responsible' siblings, it's a nice stick to beat the feckless ones with, but in my experience, people generally get there in the end.

Patience, understanding and kindness are underrated (and not easily found when young!).

Hound yes, we are low contact. And my family no longer influences me. I do understand what you are saying about op. It is difficult to forge adult relationships with siblings at a young age especially when poor parenting is factored in.

Jannec, isn't it just? Is it just you and your bro? Difficult if so.

Yes just the two of us - good in a way, only 2 eff'd up children brought into the world by my parents. His wife has finally seen the light. Up until then she was also often horrible to me. They really persuaded me I was the problem. I've had some brilliant counselling. My mother has the emotional age of a 3 yr old. Sad really. Father deceased but was absent due to working long long hours. I really would have loved a sister though.

Sister text me last night about 8pm and asked if she could stay. I said no, sorry not tonight. Tired and have to be up early (small white lie, wasn't tired but felt like I had to say something).

Received another text this morning: "Can I stay at yours tonight or tomorrow x?"

I can't trot out the same thing I said last night. SOS please. Could use some ideas on what to say (I really struggle to put my foot down without feeling like shit).

I think you have to be honest with her. Say "I like spending time with you, but I'm not enjoying you staying over. I'm stuck in my ways and I like sleeping in my bed alone." Then soften the blow by saying "shall we go out for dinner or drinks (or whatever you do) tomorrow instead?" When it gets to the end of the evening don't engage in discussion about why she can't stay. Just make it quick "lovely to see you, I want to catch the last train (or whatever plausible excuse you can come up with) so I'm going to have to run" then leave. She will try it on. However, you've got to put your own boundaries in place. Make a plan to meet again at a convenient time before you leave so she's got something to look forward to and then go.

She is not your responsibility and you need to put the relationship back on terms you feel comfortable with. If you have a regular plan to meet (assuming you don't mind) then if she keeps asking, just say "I'm ridiculously busy with work at the moment, but looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday."

Can you also use your boyfriend as a buffer? "I'm really happy about this, Bf is going to stay over for the next couple of weeks to see how we feel about living together. " make sure he knows the plan and it isn't going to cause a problem with your relationship first though.

It is really hard, but you have to push back. The more you give, the more she will want. I'm not saying your sister has bi-polar, but I have a SIL with this, and she always wants more from us. I had to put strict boundaries in place because she took over our lives. It was tough at the time, but we have a much better relationship now as a result.

"Why do you want to come over again? Last time you stayed was only x days ago. Love you but I don't much enjoy having people sleeping here, there's not much room and I like my own space (not just you, don't take it personally!). Can we meet up at y and do z instead?"