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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want sister staying over for no good reason?

79 replies

RiverCambs · 23/05/2016 10:17

We have a bit of a rocky relationship - we've never really seen eye-to-eye on things. She has always been financially irresponsible and relies on our parents for money (she's 23) which always annoys me. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, it's always someone else's fault, she doesn't see why she might be the problem. Has had about 7 jobs in as many years (there's always a problem with the people there/she ends up falling out with colleagues because 'they're bitchy', and so on and so forth). She has been given SO much help both financially, physically and mentally over the years (from me, parents and her ex-BF) but always fritters it away, and then the cycle of 'I have no money, can you lend me some' continues.

My main gripe is that she asks to sleep at mine at LEAST once a week. I have a small one-bed apartment and I'm an introvert. I don't mind hanging out with her but I don't see why she needs to sleep at mine so frequently. Her reason is always "I'm lonely/I feel emotional/I don't want to be on my own/it's easier if I stay at yours because you're closer to my work" and I can't help thinking YOU'RE AN ADULT. Learn how to be on your own for more than a week without asking for a sleepover.

She's not a particularly good guest either - will sit on the sofa ALL day watching stuff on my laptop, sleeps completely naked sprawled out on my bed, asks that we don't open the curtains so we're stagnating in the dark all day.. the list goes on.

WIBU to tell her that no she can't stay over, that I want my own space? And that we're adults, you can't just have a sleepover when you feel a bit sad? (In a slightly softer way!)

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 11:38

For the naked bed sleeping alone YANBU!

blowmybarnacles · 23/05/2016 11:39

YANBU. This would drive me wild. My sister and I at that age has some issues, wed get on/row get on/row, she'd stay and always borrow my stuff and never return it. Even if I said don't take...insert item of clothing/book... she would take it anyway and then return it by courier, as though that made it OK. It was exhausting.

Why don't you agree to a once a month thing where you spend some quality time together and ditch the sleepover. Then its manageable.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 23/05/2016 11:45

Like a previous poster Im also wondering if your sister is on the spectrum and undiagnosed.

manicinsomniac · 23/05/2016 11:47

YANBU if it bothers you/doesn't work for you.

My sister comes to stay when she can (much less often than once a week but reasonably regularly) and sleeps in my bed (not naked and due to there being no spare room). We're very close though and I look forward to seeing her so the situation is very different.

Maybe talk to her and say that you love seeing her but you also love your own space and the frequency of her stays is stressing you out a bit. Suggest monthly visits perhaps? And meet her on other weeks or coffee, dinner or a show or something instead. Or have her round for dinner and film but not stay over?

KittensandKnitting · 23/05/2016 11:52

I'm sure she does have good points but I think you have really tried to help her, especially with suggesting counselling and even offering to pay for it.

To me it sounds like she think you should always do what she wants when she wants.

This isn't working for you and therefore given you have tired to help her - and continue to do so, you haven't abandoned her at all! That you need to start giving some boundaries because you don't have to have stay with you because it's easier for her!

I don't think your making her out to be a monster at all, I think your exhausted with it all! Could you stay at hers instead?

Maybe you just need to tell her she can't stay and actually it's ok for you to say that.

MistressDeeCee · 23/05/2016 11:54

I think your sister is sad inside. Maybe if you could look past your annoyance at the financial support she gets, you would see that. She is obviously needy of you in some way as she needs to connect at least once a week. & you've said she is emotionally supportive to you when you need it. So she certainly isn't unfeeling or uncaring.

Not saying that you should put up with her but, at least try to understand. Cut down the length of time of visits and stop the overnight stay thing. Thats all.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 23/05/2016 11:57

YANBU. I have a sister that I'm just not fussed on. Being related doesn't mean you are going to get on and like each other. I find my sister self absorbed and doesn't seem to give a thought or shit to anyone unless she wants something. It pisses me off that our dad runs around after her when she clicks her fingers and praises ever little thing she does (that isn't even praise worthy). One time when I mentioned something (in a helpful way) I got told I was nasty. I used to do a lot for her and got told by her that I never did anything for her (didn't realise I was actually obliged to) so refused to do anything again.

When she asks to stay over, just say "sorry not this time" until she gets the message. I'd hate to have a regular house guest, or any house guests actually.

PippaFawcett · 23/05/2016 12:03

My sister was exactly like this and unfortunately our relationship has deteriorated in recent years. She hasn't been able to hold down a job my 'D'M completely facilitates her behaviour as I used to as well. I used to complete all her job applications for her and she once had the audacity to go for a cigarette break when I was writing one for her and complain that I hadn't finished it when she came back!

I realised I was an enabler and stopped doing stuff for her but it has been to the detriment of our relationship. But I realised it was only one way for us. Good luck!

Brown76 · 23/05/2016 12:13

YANBU. You need to find a kind way to say "I don't want you to stay over anymore". I think then you might have the patience and private time to be able to support her on the phone or meet up. Perhaps going for a walk together weekly could be a chance to enjoy each other's company and chat without it being too intense for you.

RiverCambs · 23/05/2016 12:23

I should probably say that I text her every day/MOST days so it's not as though I have cut her out of my life and try to stop all contact with her. I can only take her in small doses though which is why I don't like her staying over. She's the type of person who will ring, and if you don't pick up she'll send a text saying 'Why aren't you picking up?????' or ring another three times Hmm

I think your sister is sad inside. Maybe if you could look past your annoyance at the financial support she gets, you would see that. She is obviously needy of you in some way as she needs to connect at least once a week. & you've said she is emotionally supportive to you when you need it. So she certainly isn't unfeeling or uncaring.

Honestly, her getting financial support doesn't irritate me because I'm envious or anything like that. I just feel that at 23, with a full-time job, no children/car to pay for etc. AND all of the help she has gotten, she should have things down by now. The financial stuff is just one straw on the camel's back.

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 23/05/2016 12:34

Have you considered high functioning autism? The PJ detail in particular (as well as social skills) makes me ask?

Just5minswithDacre · 23/05/2016 12:35

Sorry, don't know why I stuck a question mark there Blush

Just5minswithDacre · 23/05/2016 12:36

And Seven had already mentioned ASCs anyway

notonyurjellybellynelly · 23/05/2016 12:36

River 2 posters with day to day experience of a loved one with ASD have thought of ASD when reading your posts.

Do you think it's possible at all?

JulieBolton79 · 23/05/2016 12:38

YANBU live your life for you not others she's a grown woman who sounds like she needs more structured help rather than someone carrying her so she never changes.
Also sorry to sound harsh to your parents but them saying you should help as she's your sister is all good and well for people who don't live in the same country as you and who she can't descend upon whenever she's feeling needy.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 23/05/2016 12:40

Sorry, I cross posted with Just5. I didn't see that she's also mentioned ASD

RebootYourEngine · 23/05/2016 12:58

Sorry for the highjack. Are there specific signs of someone with ASD? Or is everyone different.

Just5minswithDacre · 23/05/2016 13:04

Are there specific signs of someone with ASD? Or is everyone different.

Common features that present differently in different individuals.

OP's posts are screaming 'female presentation ASC' at me though, in a fairly textbook kind of way.

RiverCambs · 23/05/2016 13:04

Have you considered high functioning autism? The PJ detail in particular (as well as social skills) makes me ask?

River 2 posters with day to day experience of a loved one with ASD have thought of ASD when reading your posts. Do you think it's possible at all?

I've thought about it before but I don't think she actually has it. I think it's more that she has anger and emotional issues related to her insecurities.

Also sorry to sound harsh to your parents but them saying you should help as she's your sister is all good and well for people who don't live in the same country as you and who she can't descend upon whenever she's feeling needy.

That doesn't sound harsh, DW. I've basically said the exact same to them myself. Whilst I don't doubt for a minute that they wouldn't mind and would always be there for her, she's much more their responsibility than mine, which I'm starting to realise!

If she had a bad heart or was genuinely a malicious person this would all be so much easier!

OP posts:
Janecc · 23/05/2016 13:05

But she's your sister. She would always be there for you

She's not there for you and if your parents want her looked after then they need to come back home and look after her. And that's what I would be telling them.

It sounds as if she hasn't grown up because her childish behaviour has been enabled by your parents and now you. Even offering to pay for counselling is enabling. I would not want my privacy invaded like that weekly.

Perhaps she is depressed and that is sad, and your role is to look after yourself and be there if you can without acting as an emotional crutch.

Just5minswithDacre · 23/05/2016 13:12

I've thought about it before but I don't think she actually has it. I think it's more that she has anger and emotional issues related to her insecurities.

A screening checklist might be a good idea.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 23/05/2016 13:20

River its interesting that you've previously thought about ASD.

It can be very difficult to spot and diagnose in young women due to how it presents to the extent that dx a young woman on the spectrum is quite a speciality within the world of ASD.

I think it would be an idea to look into things a bit more because even the way you describe what you think her problems are could be down to ASD.

Just5minswithDacre · 23/05/2016 13:25

jelly's right; " I think it's more that she has anger and emotional issues related to her insecurities." fits perfectly plausibly with AS.

UpsiLondoes · 23/05/2016 13:32

Next time your parents say

She's not my responsibility' they give it 'But she's your SISTER. She would always be there for you"

She's my OLDER sister, not my child. You are expecting me to support her the way you support her as her parents. I'm the youngest - she should be supporting me!

Tell her "no" to sleepovers but agree to go to hers at a particular day of the week for a "sister's only" type of get together. That way if she needs support, she knows she'll see you every Tuesday evening (or whatever day works best) and can vent /get emotional support then.

Medusacascade · 23/05/2016 14:05

The sleeping naked, struggling to organise day to day life and lacking social skills immediately makes me think ASD.