Weird families: is it me or them that's bat sh*** crazy?

[orangebee1]

ladies, I want to share one of the several arguments I have with my family so I can really get some insight into whether I'm the one causing the problems or them. I'm going to present both sides of the story as best I can.

I live in Greece. I have three children under the age of five. My family in England (mum, sister, brother in law, niece aged four and nephew aged 12) have booked one weeks holiday to come and visit me. I asked them many, many times to come and stay in my four storey house when they visit, they would have an entire floor with bedroom and bathroom to themselves but they don't want to stay with me because they "wouldn't feel comfortable", so instead they booked one of the most expensive resorts in the country, it's an hours drive from me, so, in order to see my family during their visit to errr... "See me" I would need to drive upwards of two hours a day with three small children and then pay a daily entrance fee of 100 euro a day for the resort (just a reminder that I'm living in a country facing severe economic crisis and my life s very much affected by this as my family well know).

When I told my sister and mum that this was not a very place for me to visit they changed their booking so now they will spend three days at that resort. But that still leaves four days. I found them a lovely hotel ten mins drive from my house (I live just 25 min drive from the beach) but they didn't want that hotel because it's not right on the beach.

I should add that when I visit the uk I stay at my sisters house where my mum also lives,, even though they live in a town that I've no connection with at all and don't know my way around and s not rather difficult with the kids because you need to drive to get anywhere, still it would never enter my head Not to be there when visiting.

My mum and sister argue that it s their holiday too and their children's and so they should be able to enjoy it by the beach. For me, the closer we stay to one another the more time we can spend with one another. My sister says that her children would want to be at the beach and it should be about them. But I think children just love being around other children wherever. Yesterday this escalated into a massive row with my mum almost screaming that she should "be able to enjoy her money" without me telling her how to send it, which I totally agree wth in theory, but she's entirely missing the actual issue at hand. Anyway....for anyone out there who managed to read the massive thread intro firstly thank you!! And secondly...is this wrong or am I wrong?

[Valentine2]

YABU. It's not like they are coming to visit you. They are coming for a holiday and they made it perfectly clear too. Why should they make it secondary to visiting you? I also see the point about them wanting to be at the beach. I think if you really want to spend time with them, you should visit yourself rather than expecting they would do it by coming and staying with you. Sorry

[WhisperingSeagrass]

Sorry YABU. They want to stay in a lovely beach resort and have a proper holiday, and see you while they're there. They are not coming just to visit you.

I guess they've saved up for an annual holiday and want to choose where they stay. Annual leave is precious. Maybe they also want sports facilities/spa/kids club/tourist attractions that aren't available near you.

Could you combine your holiday with theirs, eg stay someone closer to their resort?

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Yabu. Sorry.

[EssentialHummus]

Another one here who wouldn't dream of going to Greece and staying more than 20m from the beach on my precious time off. I think they've tried to build bridges / meet you halfway by staying in the exclusive resort for only some of the time. If they don't want to stay at yours / are keen to spaff money on expensive hotels / don't want to see you every day for the whole day, that's their look-out. Offer to meet them when you can and want to, but don't martyr yourself dragging three young children on a long trip each day because of "family obligation".

[shovetheholly]

I feel so sorry for you - it must be very hurtful to realise your family are coming not to visit you but for a holiday. I don't think you can prescribe to them what they do, but I think you can proceed with emotional caution. This will probably change your relationship with them long-term.

I can't understand people who need to be at a resort - it's my idea of absolutely sheer hell. Your house sounds way nicer and better to stay in!

[MyLocal]

I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable. It is about a compromise. If they are coming for a week and wanting a holiday then make it clear you will drive over and meet them for the day. That's it. That is your meet up and catch up. The rest of their holiday they can have as a holiday if they don't want to put themselves out to travel to see you either.

Next time you visit the UK, make it a flying visit. Stay somewhere nicer than their town and ask them to drive over and see you, after all you will be on your holidays!

[Rosa]

I live abroad and I would like you be so upset / pissed off. I would just say sod it might see you for a day but other than that do your own thing and I will see you when you are back in the UK ...

Otherwise they should see it as a holiday for them to do as they wish but NOt as they are coming to see you as a favour ...as its not !

[Oldraver]

When my Mum moved to Spain she seemed to be under the impression I would be visiting her EVERY holiday, just because it was sunny. It wasn't financially or practically possible to visit more than once a year.

Plus she lived on the outskirts of a town several miles from the sea and no amenities to walk to (until the built an Aldi across the road). It wasn't what I would of chosen for a holiday at all.

[murphys]

I think there could be a few issues here.

I also live in a hot country and we get a lot of visitors.

First, does your family get on ok with your dh and his family? Is he Greek and do you spend a lot of time with his family? I could be that they are not wanting to slot into your lifestyle for their holiday.

Maybe your family think that as you have 3 young children, they don't want to impose on you, and stay with you in your house.

Have they always wanted to go to this resort, and now is the chance that they can?

I do get the part about being close to the beach. It is far easier to grab a towel and sunscreen and walk across the road to the beach when you want to, rather than packing up 5 children and others into the car, and driving 25 minutes to the beach.

Will they have a car to use, or are they wanting to go there as its walking distance to most things?

I think that rather than having a blow out about it and taking it a bit personally, think about from their side of things, it is their annual holiday after all, I am presuming it is costing a fair few pennies. If they are spending their money, they should be able to do what they want to.

However, they are probably going to expect you to drop a few things so that you will be able to see them... but it doesn't sound like they are planning to see you every day they are there...

Maybe if your mum came out to you alone (without sil etc), things would be different. You probably find that she is split between what your brother wants and what you want....

[EssentialHummus]

Maybe your family think that as you have 3 young children, they don't want to impose on you, and stay with you in your house.

This is actually fairly important imo - I have stayed in hotels rather than with family before if the family have young chidren, as I imagine the have enough on their plates without the added pressure of even a "house-trained" guest, plus, you know, having a vacation with someone else's young children can be trying.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

when you were going to have to pay to visit them, then they were BU (if that's what they expected you to do). Now...hmmm... not so much, I think. TBH, when we've lived abroad, our family hasn't always been so bothered about coming to visit us. We ended up doing all the visiting (and that was most definitely to visit them, they don't live in an area where people holiday!!). It is upsetting, I agree, to be not the main focus, but it's also better than not being visited at all. And if it is their "holiday", well they do probably get to split the time between seeing you and doing genuine holiday holiday stuff. If we'd been able to do more of that, we probably would have!!

However, I don't think screaming at anyone is ever the right answer, so in that sense, even if they're not BU to stay at the hotel near the sea, they are BU to scream.

[Okkitokkiunga]

I would be really upset in your position OP but as the others have said they seem to be coming to Greece for a holiday. At this point I would contact your Mother and Sis and say sorry for the arguments. You have just realised they aren't actually coming to visit you and your family. You do have free time and would love to see them whilst they are on holiday. Would such and such days be agreeable and you are all looking forward to seeing them.

Also because I am a cow, I would also look at Centre Parks or something equally pricey and an hour or so away from where they live, telling them you are thinking of this and ask how often they can come and see you next time you are on holiday in England. They might get it then!

[Bolograph]

I live abroad too. You do end up cut off from your family.

That's a choice you make, surely? They aren't the people who moved, so the onus is on you to maintain a relationship. I'm not of the "people shouldn't live abroad" school, quite the opposite, but it isn't the responsibility of the people who didn't move to deal with the consequences of your moving unless they themselves feel they want to.

[queenofthepirates]

When I visit my brother and his family abroad, I always stay in a nice hotel. I like a bit of luxury and it's MY holiday! I would like a nice hotel breakfast and my sheets changed daily. It's no reflection on my brother or his hospitality but he is unlikely to leave a chocolate on my pillow.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

If I were taking kids to Greece, I'd most definitely want to be close to a beach most of the time, ditto my kids when they were children. When we had beach holidays they absolutely hated ever being dragged away from sea and sand, so we very rarely did.
It may be not so easy to understand if you live in a place with reliable hot summers, but sunny beach time can be very precious to us in the UK who don't get the chance very often.

[Nanny0gg]

They're going on holiday.

The fact that you live in the same country is a by-product, sorry.

[Bolograph]

At this point I would contact your Mother and Sis and say sorry for the arguments. You have just realised they aren't actually coming to visit you and your family.

Many people would interpret that as passive-aggressive sulking.

[SaucyJack]

Yeah, agree with Bolograph that there's no need to make a snidey dig.

They could've gone for a beach holiday anywhere in the world, but they're going to be staying at the beach 25 mins from your house.

Be pleasant, and enjoy the time you spend together. And be mindful that it was your choice to move abroad , and that you should not necessarily expect that they now have to spend their holidays staying in a house instead of at their preferred choice

[SaucyJack]

*of a holiday resort.

[shiveringhiccup]

As PP have said, sounds like this is their holiday and you're an extra, not the main focus of the trip. I get it from their point of view but I'd feel hurt too.

Can you have an honest conversation with them? Apologise for getting upset but explain you miss them and hoped they were coming to see you, you've realised they're combining the visit with a holiday, but could you plan a couple of days together. Explain you can't afford the resort and suggest a day at yours and a day at the beach together or something.

Sounds like a misunderstanding and the only way to fix that is to communicate honestly.

[Bolograph]

FWIW, I never stay in a friends' or relatives' house, under any circumstances, for a holiday. I've done it in the past out of obligation and hated it, I can (as the OP's family clearly can) afford a hotel, and that's what I do. I can get up when I want, get a cup of coffee when I want and don't have to make polite conversation when I'd rather read a book. There is nothing relaxing about staying in other people's houses.

[Improperlyhappy]

I feel for you, OP. I think both being unreasonable to an extent: maybe it stems from each party's view of the purpose of the holiday? It sounds like you believe the purpose of their trip is to come and see you, but their purpose of the trip is to have a proper holiday - it's just that they've decided to try and do both, which might not work.

They are unreasonable if they've asked you to spend money to get into their resort, that is definitely cheeky. And they should recognise you may not be able to see them for those 1st 3 days in that posh hotel. But maybe that's the point - they get a true 'holiday' without making any plans or commitments to you. But then the last 4 days they spend with you....though I have to say I would always want to take my kids to the beach if it was on offer. What if you suggest they enjoy their 3 days together without you, but then you make a longer commute of 25 mins to see them at the beach for the last 4 days - would that work? They then get a mix of 'just being on holiday' and then a spell of 'catching up with sis/daughter/auntie' . Good luck xx

[ljny]

Sounds weird to me, but looks like they chose Greece for their beach holiday so they could see your family a couple of times while they're there.

I would be hurt too. Disagree that it's passive-aggressive to have an honest discussion and tell them you misunderstood.

Don't understand why they can't stay with you for the last 4 days and drive to the beach! But again, their primary focus is the beach rather than family time. To paraphrase, they're just not that into you.

In your shoes, I'd plan a couple of meet-ups - maybe one at your house, invite them for an afternoon or dinner or something - and one at their second beach. I certainly wouldn't drive hours to pay an entrance fee at the resort. How insensitive of them! Everyone knows Greece is in financial disaster - sorry, but they do sound rather thick and self-centered.

Hugs to you, it must feel so disappointing.

[Bolograph]

looks like they chose Greece for their beach holiday so they could see your family a couple of times while they're there.

If they've read this thread they'll have learnt their lesson, and go somewhere else next time.

[Greyponcho]

Your family have double standards - they want to spend their money and holiday time for their enjoyment, not for visiting you, but expect you to spend your holiday time and money visiting them, not to actually spend it in a place you'd actually enjoy I.e. Not sodding England!!
Doesn't sound like you're dictating, sounds like you've offered a very pleasant & cost saving compromise for everyone given the circumstances.
Don't suppose they offered to include you & your family in the beach accommodation part of the holiday, did they?
Overall, it does seem to be a one way relationship relying on you maintaining the contact...