Weird families: is it me or them that's bat sh*** crazy?

[orangebee1]

ladies, I want to share one of the several arguments I have with my family so I can really get some insight into whether I'm the one causing the problems or them. I'm going to present both sides of the story as best I can.

I live in Greece. I have three children under the age of five. My family in England (mum, sister, brother in law, niece aged four and nephew aged 12) have booked one weeks holiday to come and visit me. I asked them many, many times to come and stay in my four storey house when they visit, they would have an entire floor with bedroom and bathroom to themselves but they don't want to stay with me because they "wouldn't feel comfortable", so instead they booked one of the most expensive resorts in the country, it's an hours drive from me, so, in order to see my family during their visit to errr... "See me" I would need to drive upwards of two hours a day with three small children and then pay a daily entrance fee of 100 euro a day for the resort (just a reminder that I'm living in a country facing severe economic crisis and my life s very much affected by this as my family well know).

When I told my sister and mum that this was not a very place for me to visit they changed their booking so now they will spend three days at that resort. But that still leaves four days. I found them a lovely hotel ten mins drive from my house (I live just 25 min drive from the beach) but they didn't want that hotel because it's not right on the beach.

I should add that when I visit the uk I stay at my sisters house where my mum also lives,, even though they live in a town that I've no connection with at all and don't know my way around and s not rather difficult with the kids because you need to drive to get anywhere, still it would never enter my head Not to be there when visiting.

My mum and sister argue that it s their holiday too and their children's and so they should be able to enjoy it by the beach. For me, the closer we stay to one another the more time we can spend with one another. My sister says that her children would want to be at the beach and it should be about them. But I think children just love being around other children wherever. Yesterday this escalated into a massive row with my mum almost screaming that she should "be able to enjoy her money" without me telling her how to send it, which I totally agree wth in theory, but she's entirely missing the actual issue at hand. Anyway....for anyone out there who managed to read the massive thread intro firstly thank you!! And secondly...is this wrong or am I wrong?

[YellowPrimula]

Greece in the summer is obviously very hot, do you have a pool etc I am afraid I am another one who would struggle in a hot country sharing a room with my12 year old son, let alone MIL and four year old .

I think they are trying to cover all bases, presumebly they can only afford one holiday so it has to be both a holiday for the children and the adults and also enable them to see you .

[ravenmum]

I live abroad too. You do end up cut off from your family.
--
That's a choice you make, surely? They aren't the people who moved, so the onus is on you to maintain a relationship.

Yes, it is. Though I doubt I'm the only one who's only really understood what that entails after the fact. When you first move people come to see you. It's only later, when the novelty wears off, that they want to go elsewhere. And that is then the time that you've got a young family and it's sinking in that you're not going back. And youre trying to expose the children to your culture. However ready you were to do it, the actual reality is difficult.

My kids are big now and I'm happy to live where I do, but I still sometimes feel sad to have ruled out the chance of a closer family connection. I've made my bed and have no problem sleeping in it, but as long as I love my parents (weird as they are) I defend my right to be sad I can't have my cake and eat it!

[Bolograph]

Going back to the OP's OP.

My family in England (mum, sister, brother in law, niece aged four and nephew aged 12) have booked one weeks holiday to come and visit me. I asked them many, many times to come and stay in my four storey house when they visit, they would have an entire floor with bedroom and bathroom to themselves

So that's three adults and two children in one bedroom, for a week. Perhaps, and I know this might sound radical, the couple might like to have sex on holiday? Perhaps they may find sharing a room with their mother/in-law and their children, for a week, when they can well afford a hotel rather grim? And perhaps, indeed more than perhaps, your brother in law has said "a holiday in which I share a room not only with the children, with your mother, for a week? Fuck that for a game of soldiers"?

I won't stay in other people's houses and pretend it's a holiday, but I accept that's just me. A holiday in which you share a room with your mother in law? Have you ever met anyone, ever, who would say yes to that?

[ILoveGreekCats]

Hi. I also live in Greece. Not near the sea but within an hours drive of a touristy area with lovely beaches. When my family come to visit me they always stay with me and I take them on trips. Once when they came specifically for a beach holiday me and the kids were also renting in the same area and then we all came back to our house for a few days. The reason they come to Greece is to visit us. It can be tiring at times cos I take them out almost every day but it means we have family time. I haven't got any advice as such . Could they maybe stay with you for the remaining days or could you go and stay with them somewhere? That way you could combine being together and having a beach holiday? Hope you manage to sort it out!

[iluffsryanreynolds]

I'm sorry OP, this must be hurtful. My parents moved abroad several years ago and although they come back fairly frequently, its never specifically to see me or my young family. They like to stay with other extended family (at the other end of the country) and try and persuade me to trek up there with the kids whenever they come over (often at short notice, in termtime etc...)
Its a long and expensive journey with kids and essentially then we just hang around at relatives houses waiting to spend some time with them in between all their other plans and commitments
They are my parents, i love them and i know they love me, but i made my peace with the fact that they are quite self-absorbed a while ago. I continue to make the effort to see them when i can because i want to maintain the relationship, but i have distanced myself emotionally so it doesn't get me down as much anymore.

Not much you can do as i see it, except make the best of it, try to enjoy the time you have with them. Appreciate the fact that they have chosen to holiday in your neck of the woods, but try not to expect any more than that. It sounds very much like a misalignment of expectations. Nobody is being particularly unreasonable, i think its just sad when you realise that you're not necessarily as close to your family as you thought.

Agree with PP that next time you;re in the UK, use the time as a bit of a holiday for yourselves if possible. Not to be petty or retaliatory, but maybe it will help you feel less like you're being rejected if you take their lead and do whats right for your little family?

[Bolograph]

They are making their holidays intentionally expensive.

It's their money, they can do what they want with it.

but expect you to spend your holiday time and money visiting them

That's not what the OP said. The OP said they do, in fact, spend their time and money visiting, not that their family expects it. The OP could instead have holidays they enjoy, and stop engaging in competitive martyrdom.

The idea that a 12 year old boy's ideal holiday is being stuck in someone else's house with three children under five is laughable, too.

[Greyponcho]

Why is the consensus leaning towards the OP being U because she doesn't value her family's time and precious annual leave - does no one think that the OPs time (& money) is equally as valuable?

[LotsOfShoes]

Yabu. You want them to give up their precious annual leave solely to spend it with you when they could also have a nice holiday at the same time? What you're proposing sounds tedious and boring for everyone, especially for the children. No way would I be staying in someone's house half an hour drive from the beach when I could stay in a nice hotel, on the beach, where I could be served breakfast, have someone clean after me and also, very importantly, avoid all the family drama that comes with staying in someone's house. And you're very wrong about wanting all the children together -what is a 12 yr old going to get from being stuck for a week with four under 5s? Your sister is very rightly thinking of her own children too.

[VestalVirgin]

Holidays are expensive and it's not wrong to want to do what they enjoy.

They are making their holidays intentionally expensive. I cannot even imagine what a stay at a resort where you have to pay 100 just for visiting would cost a night.

Sorry, but to me, that does sound batshit crazy.

I'd understand wanting to see the sights, but a stay in an expensive resort, that is probably just the same like a similar resort in Italy ... no, I don't understand that.

[Greyponcho]

Your family have double standards - they want to spend their money and holiday time for their enjoyment, not for visiting you, but expect you to spend your holiday time and money visiting them, not to actually spend it in a place you'd actually enjoy I.e. Not sodding England!!
Doesn't sound like you're dictating, sounds like you've offered a very pleasant & cost saving compromise for everyone given the circumstances.
Don't suppose they offered to include you & your family in the beach accommodation part of the holiday, did they?
Overall, it does seem to be a one way relationship relying on you maintaining the contact...

[Bolograph]

looks like they chose Greece for their beach holiday so they could see your family a couple of times while they're there.

If they've read this thread they'll have learnt their lesson, and go somewhere else next time.

[ljny]

Sounds weird to me, but looks like they chose Greece for their beach holiday so they could see your family a couple of times while they're there.

I would be hurt too. Disagree that it's passive-aggressive to have an honest discussion and tell them you misunderstood.

Don't understand why they can't stay with you for the last 4 days and drive to the beach! But again, their primary focus is the beach rather than family time. To paraphrase, they're just not that into you.

In your shoes, I'd plan a couple of meet-ups - maybe one at your house, invite them for an afternoon or dinner or something - and one at their second beach. I certainly wouldn't drive hours to pay an entrance fee at the resort. How insensitive of them! Everyone knows Greece is in financial disaster - sorry, but they do sound rather thick and self-centered.

Hugs to you, it must feel so disappointing.

[Improperlyhappy]

I feel for you, OP. I think both being unreasonable to an extent: maybe it stems from each party's view of the purpose of the holiday? It sounds like you believe the purpose of their trip is to come and see you, but their purpose of the trip is to have a proper holiday - it's just that they've decided to try and do both, which might not work.

They are unreasonable if they've asked you to spend money to get into their resort, that is definitely cheeky. And they should recognise you may not be able to see them for those 1st 3 days in that posh hotel. But maybe that's the point - they get a true 'holiday' without making any plans or commitments to you. But then the last 4 days they spend with you....though I have to say I would always want to take my kids to the beach if it was on offer. What if you suggest they enjoy their 3 days together without you, but then you make a longer commute of 25 mins to see them at the beach for the last 4 days - would that work? They then get a mix of 'just being on holiday' and then a spell of 'catching up with sis/daughter/auntie' . Good luck xx

[Bolograph]

FWIW, I never stay in a friends' or relatives' house, under any circumstances, for a holiday. I've done it in the past out of obligation and hated it, I can (as the OP's family clearly can) afford a hotel, and that's what I do. I can get up when I want, get a cup of coffee when I want and don't have to make polite conversation when I'd rather read a book. There is nothing relaxing about staying in other people's houses.

[shiveringhiccup]

As PP have said, sounds like this is their holiday and you're an extra, not the main focus of the trip. I get it from their point of view but I'd feel hurt too.

Can you have an honest conversation with them? Apologise for getting upset but explain you miss them and hoped they were coming to see you, you've realised they're combining the visit with a holiday, but could you plan a couple of days together. Explain you can't afford the resort and suggest a day at yours and a day at the beach together or something.

Sounds like a misunderstanding and the only way to fix that is to communicate honestly.

[SaucyJack]

*of a holiday resort.

[SaucyJack]

Yeah, agree with Bolograph that there's no need to make a snidey dig.

They could've gone for a beach holiday anywhere in the world, but they're going to be staying at the beach 25 mins from your house.

Be pleasant, and enjoy the time you spend together. And be mindful that it was your choice to move abroad , and that you should not necessarily expect that they now have to spend their holidays staying in a house instead of at their preferred choice

[Bolograph]

At this point I would contact your Mother and Sis and say sorry for the arguments. You have just realised they aren't actually coming to visit you and your family.

Many people would interpret that as passive-aggressive sulking.

[Nanny0gg]

They're going on holiday.

The fact that you live in the same country is a by-product, sorry.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

If I were taking kids to Greece, I'd most definitely want to be close to a beach most of the time, ditto my kids when they were children. When we had beach holidays they absolutely hated ever being dragged away from sea and sand, so we very rarely did.
It may be not so easy to understand if you live in a place with reliable hot summers, but sunny beach time can be very precious to us in the UK who don't get the chance very often.

[queenofthepirates]

When I visit my brother and his family abroad, I always stay in a nice hotel. I like a bit of luxury and it's MY holiday! I would like a nice hotel breakfast and my sheets changed daily. It's no reflection on my brother or his hospitality but he is unlikely to leave a chocolate on my pillow.

[Bolograph]

I live abroad too. You do end up cut off from your family.

That's a choice you make, surely? They aren't the people who moved, so the onus is on you to maintain a relationship. I'm not of the "people shouldn't live abroad" school, quite the opposite, but it isn't the responsibility of the people who didn't move to deal with the consequences of your moving unless they themselves feel they want to.

[Okkitokkiunga]

I would be really upset in your position OP but as the others have said they seem to be coming to Greece for a holiday. At this point I would contact your Mother and Sis and say sorry for the arguments. You have just realised they aren't actually coming to visit you and your family. You do have free time and would love to see them whilst they are on holiday. Would such and such days be agreeable and you are all looking forward to seeing them.

Also because I am a cow, I would also look at Centre Parks or something equally pricey and an hour or so away from where they live, telling them you are thinking of this and ask how often they can come and see you next time you are on holiday in England. They might get it then!

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

when you were going to have to pay to visit them, then they were BU (if that's what they expected you to do). Now...hmmm... not so much, I think. TBH, when we've lived abroad, our family hasn't always been so bothered about coming to visit us. We ended up doing all the visiting (and that was most definitely to visit them, they don't live in an area where people holiday!!). It is upsetting, I agree, to be not the main focus, but it's also better than not being visited at all. And if it is their "holiday", well they do probably get to split the time between seeing you and doing genuine holiday holiday stuff. If we'd been able to do more of that, we probably would have!!

However, I don't think screaming at anyone is ever the right answer, so in that sense, even if they're not BU to stay at the hotel near the sea, they are BU to scream.

[EssentialHummus]

Maybe your family think that as you have 3 young children, they don't want to impose on you, and stay with you in your house.

This is actually fairly important imo - I have stayed in hotels rather than with family before if the family have young chidren, as I imagine the have enough on their plates without the added pressure of even a "house-trained" guest, plus, you know, having a vacation with someone else's young children can be trying.