Pushy Mum undermiming my parenting

[WeeWaspie]

Am i being unreasonable, or just highly strung?

My dear old Mum lives abroad but has come over to visit this week. Suring the lead up Mum has talked about feeding my DS baby rice (he's not even four monrhs yet). I can recall three seperate conversations where i said it was too early and i didn't want to do this yet. She arrived on Wednesday and one of the first things she said to DS was that she was going to feed him baby rice when i wasn't looking. Once again i told her no. The next day she tried to give him bread to suck on, so i had to intervene again and made it really clear that i really didn't appreciate this as i had already made my feelings clear.

Yesterday she went out shopping and came back with baby rice! By that point I'd lost count of how many times i had said I don't want this and given my reasons (i don't have a problem with people who wean at 4 months but at the moment DS is being filled up still by milk, is not sitting up for long and doesn't show any interest in food). I put the rice away in a cupboard and said he wasn't having it and i wouldn't discuss it anymore.

Today we've been to a family event where DS was being passed around older relatives. I went to collect him from them (where Mum was sitting) and they said they had given him some jam and cream and he had enjoyed it. I think they were joking but i got the feeling that they had been talking about the fact i wouldn't let him have the bloody baby rice.

I appreciate she's from a different generation when things were done differently. I think partly its because she's excited about being a grandma and wants to be involved. How can i make it anymore obvious that i want to do things my own way with my DS and i don't appreciate her undermiming me. I'm tempted to compare her to her MIL who used to do the same to her, but i know that would probably cut her really deep. I don't want to upset her, but her behavior is getting really frustrating.

Long post - sorry! So am i being unreasonable?

I get this from time to time with my mother - such gems as the room is too cold/your baby is too cold (which I solved by showing her the articles about over-heating being dangerous and my special baby room thermometer), you can't fly when you are pregnant as the baby "will get sucked out" (then why don't you get an enema before taking a flight as surely any poo would also be sucked out?) etc. Just being firm often doesn't work. Sometimes, having done the firm thing for the sake of harmony, you just have to Lose The Fucking Plot about it. After all, she doesn't seem to be bothered about upsetting you, does she? Quite often I suspect that my mother still thinks that she is right but once I have lost my rag thinks that it is not worth bringing it up again.

It sounds like you'll have to be pretty firm with her as she's not showing any respect for your wishes.

I sympathise, I have a relative who has told me numerous times that she introduced baby rice at 10 weeks as it helps babies sleep through the night. Apparently the DC were ready for solids as they grabbed at food when held by an adult who was eating. I guess my DS should be allowed to eat my glasses then as he grabs at them too. I just keep smiling and biting my tongue but I think at some point I'll have to have a proper conversation about why we're not doing as she suggests.

She needs some perspective. I'm sorry but she sounds awful, laughing about you behind your back.
Can you make a joke about how thats an expensive plane ticket to fly halfway around the world just to feed someones kid some rice?
Can you find some way to remind her about her MIL without saying 'you are like her?

Oh dear. You definitely need to assert yourself here. Next she'll be rolling out the old chestnut... "I'll give him chocolate/sweets/sugar to purposely wind him up and then hand him back to you to deal with".

I don't think it's a generational thing at all. There are plenty of Grandparents on here embracing and following the latest guidelines with our Grandchildren. Your DM needs to stop being so stubborn and listen to you.

I would be really worried about upsetting my DD if I kept insisting the old ways are best. I want to be as involved as possible and that means supporting her wishes not constantly trying to undermine her. I want her to feel safe leaving my GD in my care.

I will admit that I was very excited about the baby having real food at 6 months. As she is EBF it was something I could do to help nurture her. I envisaged having a freezer full of nutritious pureed food I'd prepared for GD. As it is, DD chose to do BLW, so instead, I researched the hell out of it and now I enjoy preparing recipes for GD to try.

I would print out the latest guidelines for your DM and ask her if she would like to help you think about recipes for the coming weeks, depending which style of feeding you intend to do. Maybe you could incorporate some traditional family recipes? Ask her to write things down as she thinks of them.

Oh god thought it was only MILs that could b that annoying

Everyone is right - being nice isn't working she needs telling you are the mother these are your decisions if she can't accept that then she needs to not come again - (obviously I am saying this on the basis highly unlikely most rational grandmothers are going to refuse to see grandchild again over ridiculous minor battles of wills)

"I'm tempted to compare her to her MIL who used to do the same to her, but i know that would probably cut her really deep."
Well if she's doing to you what she didn't like being done to her, then you relly NEED to cut her really deep. Do not hold back. Those boundaries need to be established ASAP.

Your baby, your rules.

And FWIW I'd bet my eye teeth that she & her cronies did give him some jam & cream.

Not the point of the post I know but the pp who said about people of my generation (I'm 43) having lots of digestive issues is so true. I've more than half my friends have had problems enough to mention them and one it almost meant she couldn't have children (scar tissue and stuff sticking together that shouldn't etc horrendous)

I really wish I knew when DD was a baby what I know now, I never would have given DD baby rice. Your baby your rules.

To take a different angle maybe she just wanted to see her granddaughter enjoying her first solids before going back home. Life is short, times are precious. You never know what is round the corner.

Tell her that baby rice has zero nutritional value and that if and when you decide to give him anything, it will be some kind of whole food. He doesn't need filling up with stodge if he's happy with milk... My mum does crap like this, has given my children tea in a bottle before!! I am quite fierce, though, and do things like tip down the sink or chuck in the bin and storm out in a rage. I can't stand the undermining crap!

Knowing my mother, If i don't try to assert myself now i will be looking forward to years of discussions like this! Yep, definitely go fierce now, if you have to do it later you'll have to be even harder on her and will have had endless sleepless nights about it. Short term pain, long term gain.

Nocleavename that's it exactly, the grandmother wants to feed the baby for her own benefit. Nothing to do with caring about the baby's health or nutrition but pure selfishness on behalf of granny.

And in doing so she is completely undermining mum. Op stick to your guns, hope that blinking rice is in the bin.

I second the advice to lose the fucking plot.

Well its her last day today. Only one run in yesterday over ice cream (I'm going to visit next month and she lives in a hot country so wanted to give DS some). She actually took that one quite well.

I think she's showing off in front of her boyfriend, who she brought over with her this time. It's like she's had a whole personality transplant.

Normally i have no problems sticking up for myself with her. I think because it's my first child, and i wasn't exactly the most maternal before i had DS, that it really made me second guess myself