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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushy Mum undermiming my parenting

66 replies

WeeWaspie · 22/05/2016 22:55

Am i being unreasonable, or just highly strung?

My dear old Mum lives abroad but has come over to visit this week. Suring the lead up Mum has talked about feeding my DS baby rice (he's not even four monrhs yet). I can recall three seperate conversations where i said it was too early and i didn't want to do this yet. She arrived on Wednesday and one of the first things she said to DS was that she was going to feed him baby rice when i wasn't looking. Once again i told her no. The next day she tried to give him bread to suck on, so i had to intervene again and made it really clear that i really didn't appreciate this as i had already made my feelings clear.

Yesterday she went out shopping and came back with baby rice! By that point I'd lost count of how many times i had said I don't want this and given my reasons (i don't have a problem with people who wean at 4 months but at the moment DS is being filled up still by milk, is not sitting up for long and doesn't show any interest in food). I put the rice away in a cupboard and said he wasn't having it and i wouldn't discuss it anymore.

Today we've been to a family event where DS was being passed around older relatives. I went to collect him from them (where Mum was sitting) and they said they had given him some jam and cream and he had enjoyed it. I think they were joking but i got the feeling that they had been talking about the fact i wouldn't let him have the bloody baby rice.

I appreciate she's from a different generation when things were done differently. I think partly its because she's excited about being a grandma and wants to be involved. How can i make it anymore obvious that i want to do things my own way with my DS and i don't appreciate her undermiming me. I'm tempted to compare her to her MIL who used to do the same to her, but i know that would probably cut her really deep. I don't want to upset her, but her behavior is getting really frustrating.

Long post - sorry! So am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/05/2016 00:58

It's the other way round 99 sleeping on backs has been the done thing for at least 23 years

AlwaysDancing1234 · 23/05/2016 01:26

My MIL used to do this. I breastfed which she didn't really understand and she was always making comments about the DC being hungry and I should give them formula and solids. She said DH was given baby rice at 6 weeks Shock and it never did him any harm (except he's had a lifetime of digestive problems Hmm)
Your DM is way out of line here, giving you advice is one thing but constantly banging on about it and trying to go behind your back is a stark too far. Be very blunt with her and yes, compare her with her own MIL might put some sense in to her.

funnyperson · 23/05/2016 01:29

Issues

  1. what to feed my baby
  2. relationship with my mum
  3. who is the better mother: me or my mum

You have done the right thing by putting the baby rice in the cupboard

Draw a line under it till your mum goes back to her home and spend the rest of the time doing happy things to make baby smile and take lots of photos with granny. I have a lovely photo of DS at 4 months smiling with my PIL which I adore now that PIL is dead.

funnyperson · 23/05/2016 01:32

I shared a lot of parenting with my mum because I thought she had been a great mum but now many years later I wish I had stood up better for myself as a mum.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 23/05/2016 01:48

There's something very primal about feeding a baby, especially pfb, that can make us a little crazy so if you have an otherwise good relationship with your mum I wouldn't go guns blazing on the few days she's here. I'd go with the 'oh mum', eye roll and hug and say you'll start solids when you feel is right, then move on the conversation to something else.

My MIL bless her turned up with baby rice, puréed everything all the time when DS was a baby and it drove me insane as I was firmly in the BLW camp. I can see looking back she wasn't trying to undermine me but was just really excited to get to a stage she could help as he was EBF. I've been much more laid back this time round and DD is thriving and has a cracking relationship with granny, possibly because she is seen as the provider of fromage frais I was also a dick about added sugar first time round

Baconyum · 23/05/2016 01:54

I agree it's not generational. My parents late 60's my mil late 70's and my fil early 90's now.

I have had several different issues with them all but all if them understood and accepted that in terms of health and safety advice for babies and children changes over the years as we learn and as research discovers things (like the cot death advice).

And they've all also dealt with gc of vastly different ages.

This is about her accepting and understanding that you are not only an adult capable of learning and understanding the advice, but also a mother yourself and that she does not get to tell you what to do with your child.

Maybe initially gently remind her how she felt as a young mum and if she's still being pushy unleash the mil memories!

Kiwiinkits · 23/05/2016 02:29

Mum, I love you but could you shut up for once about the baby rice?

That should do it.

Absofrigginlootly · 23/05/2016 02:44

Just tell her that rice products can contain toxic levels of arsenic and are actually not recommended for babies and toddlers and in fact adults should limit their consumption too!

And also ^^ what everyone else said. Draw up boundaries now or she's likely to get overexcited over controlling about other things too

Spring2016 · 23/05/2016 03:34

Donate that rice cereal, not sure why some people can't respect young mothers. They usually have the most up to date information about diet and nutrition.

Original poster
WeeWaspie · 23/05/2016 03:53

Thanks everyone. I'm having a few issues at the moment with her behaviour (sounds like I'm talking about a teenager) and needed some fresh eyes to check I'm not just taking everything as a personal slight.

I'm going to be blunt with her, and it'll probably upset her for a little bit, but at the moment i don't even want to leave her alone with him for fear of coming home and finding him being fed baby rice with a bottle full of tea (thats been another discussion but I'll leave that for another aibu on another day). Knowing my mother, If i don't try to assert myself now i will be looking forward to years of discussions like this!

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 23/05/2016 04:33

As for WHO advice, I wouldn't trust it further than I could throw it. Recall that your mother brought you up her way, and you turned out fine. As long as one is reasonably hygienic and sensible, it will all go well.

orangebee1 · 23/05/2016 05:39

I think your right that this is a generational thing, also to an extent a cultural thing..., my mother is middle eastern and was a night mare with exactly these kinds of things. I feel for you because I remember how frustrating and demoralising it is.
Though you are totally in the right you will need to tread carefully so as not to offend. You'll need to say something so boundaries can be set. Perhaps take her with you to the next doctor or midwife visit so she can hear them say that baby is best still with milk and it's too early for solids? Hearing it from them may work better.

Ditsy4 · 23/05/2016 06:22

No, not generational. It was four months minimum in the '70s. I didn't start mine till 6 mths except one who was a large, hungry baby and that was on HV advice. He was about 14 weeks.
I heard the tea thing from MIL but I think she was joking. Later on I knew another mum who came home to find granny doing this. Weird!
I would hide the rice as it sounds like she is determined. Have you asked her why? I would next time she mentions it ask her all about why she wants to give it to him. Then tell her about latest research, allergies etc. and if you were a 70s baby say but it wasn't advised then was it. If she says she is going to do it behind your back again tell her " And if you do I will be packing your bags before you can say baby rice!" I wouldn't leave him with her because it sounds like she will. Very strange behaviour.

Mrsfancyfanjango · 23/05/2016 06:40

My MIL has been 'hinting' about giving my 4 month old mashed potatoes and gravy for a while now Hmm so I feel your frustration OP.
I agree with pp that you should pull the MIL card. She obviously isn't getting the message and doesn't mind upsetting you so I wouldn't worry about her feelings on this matter

unlucky83 · 23/05/2016 06:51

I agree with erica I looked at the research behind the WHO advice when I had already started weaning DD2 and the HV told me the new guidelines were 6 month and I should go back to ebf...
At the time it was based on one study in Belarus (? I think it was) and it was comparing vomiting and diarrhoea in babies that were ebf compared to formula or mixed feeding. And basically if you are ever going to express/ use a bottle for bm you are not ebf - and your child is at increased risk of D&V -which makes sense because of course there is an increased risk of contamination. There might be more research now though (I continued weaning at 4 months as I thought it would be confusing to go back and she was more than ready). They could well change the advice again in the future...
Like we were told to avoid eating peanuts when pregnant /bf and feeding DC peanuts until they were older and peanut allergies sky rocketed.
No cows milk before 12 months - not even in things like yoghurt -they used to sell it made with follow on milk - in fact I remember buying DD1 follow on milk and making it up for cereal.

The back to sleep and cot death - has been around since the early 90s. Before that the advice from the late 60s was to put babies to sleep on their front so they couldn't choke on their vomit...if you didn't you would be going against the guidelines - I don't think there are comparable figures from before that 'front to sleep' advice but the numbers of cot deaths plummeted when they changed their advice to 'back to sleep'.
Having said that - your baby your rules. I guess your DM wants to help, feel useful and pass on her advice. I agree with someone else try and find something she can help with - or tolerate things you can put up with. (My DM bought DD1 some horrendous outfits - eg a white lacy dress with matching pants - she doesn't live locally I put DD in it once, took a photo and sent it off to the charity shop for another doting granny to buy and force on her DD Smile She also filled my house with plastic tat...and soft toys...

MrsMook · 23/05/2016 07:00

DS's first obvious allergic reaction was to baby porridge. 10 minutes after I gave it to him, I was charging into the GPs with a screaming half naked baby whose face had swollen to the point that he couldn't open his eyes. It was my decision to start weaning (he was 23 weeks and keen to join in). Had somebody else overridden my judgement and put him in that position, it would have been difficult to forgive. Parental choices have to be respected as decisions like introducing baby to food can have unforeseen consequences.

mathanxiety · 23/05/2016 07:03

I think in some families and some societies there is a culture of cutting new mothers down to size.

New mothers are the centre of attention. They have done something wonderful - brought a baby into the world. They have somehow managed to get through the sleep deprivation and get themselves back on their feet. What better time to take them down a peg or two, lest they start to get notions about themselves. This happens a lot in families and societies where women live under the heel of the patriarchy or where men tend to dominate family life and women are subservient. Women do the patriarchy's dirty work.

ClutterofStarlings · 23/05/2016 07:08

My mum's been dropping hints about giving baby solid food. Mostly I think she's joking, but I did point out that Grannies who fed baby without mum's say so, wouldn't get to see that baby again for a very long time and did she really want to find out if I was joking .
She's dropped the subject.

Dachshund · 23/05/2016 07:15

My MIL is also fixated on when DD will start solids. She isn't pressuring me in any way but it's all she really talks about to her 'how exciting when you have food!' 'I bet you can't wait to eat real food' etc etc Hmm

I think it's because she's EBF so she's itching to have a go herself. I'm hoping to do BLW though so any attempts at purée and baby rice will be squashed!

Marynary · 23/05/2016 08:54

I think that you just have to be very firm about the fact that you are following current guidelines and as you are the parent not her it is your decision.
I don't know if it is a generational thing but I remember my mother constantly gave me lots of irritating advice when my eldest was a baby. I would explain why I wasn't going to do what she had suggested and she would go quite and then a few hours later start again with the same advice. She eventually gave up though.

Marynary · 23/05/2016 08:55

quite

Marynary · 23/05/2016 08:55

quite quiet

MrEBear · 23/05/2016 09:23

I totally feel your pain. Bin the rice.

I got so much pressure from both grannies to switch to bottles and start weaning at 4 mths. Everything sleep, nappy rash, colds, bugs would be solved by a change of diet.

My Sis was the only person who backed me up. The generation in their 30's & 40's who were 60's & 70's babies have more digestive issues, colitous, chronns, food allergies than any other generation. I wonder why.

If I'm lucky enough to have another I will be BLW.

Stick to your guns and tell her No chunk the rice in the bin.

littleGreenDragon · 23/05/2016 09:54

i don't even want to leave her alone with him for fear of coming home and finding him being fed baby rice with a bottle full of tea

Only way I found not to have every expressed wish undermined was not to let them have the baby without me or DH there.

I tried reason showed current guidelines - laid down the law nothing worked.

I did get talked into letting IL have baby for a walk round the park - the disappeared for hours past normal bf time - so I was worried and uncomfortable - friends saw of child left outside some shops - something we'd specifically asked them not to do. It was years before we could trust them with the children unsupervised after they demonstrated a change in attitude and that was both DH and I feeling that.

My parents at least listened when we made it plain what we wanted - they didn't agree but the did follow. They'd had a similar experience with my GP though - completely ignoring them they parents and doing stuff on the sly. So I heard a lot about weaning early and stopping bf from my parents - and I hated the pressure but they never did anything but talk to us. Took us a while to realise we could trust my parents to follow our directions after finding out IL wouldn't.

Suppose it depends what camp your Mother falls into - but if she is only around a week surely she doesn't have to be left alone with the baby at all.

0nTheEdge · 23/05/2016 10:10

I felt myself getting stressed out for you just reading your post! She is being totally unreasonable and quite frankly out of order since you have explained your feelings. I think you need to have a proper conversation with her about how what she's doing is making you feel. You can still say something along the lines of you love her, value her opinion on things (although it's your right to decide what is right for your baby), and want her to share in the enjoyment of your baby, but you are getting really upset by the way she is undermining you. Personally think it's totally worth gently reminding her of her experiences with her MIL to hopefully get get to change her perspective on things. You know your mum best and will figure out the best plan of action, but no you are not BU and I hope you get things sorted. Good luck!