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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about DH's behavior?

47 replies

Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 14:49

I see DH bundling a torn up plant into the compost bag.

Me: is that the honeysuckle from the trellis?
Him: yes.
Me: I've been growing that up the trellis.
Him: oh, well. It's just a plant.
Me: (feeling cross that he's being so dismissive) I wish you'd asked me first.
Him: whatever.
Me: (annoyed) you know, you can sometimes be destructive in the garden
Him: (angry, shouty ) piss off. I'm working hard out there.

I am feeling upset and angry that he:
A) dismissed my being upset he'd pulled out the plant
B) swore at me (he does this when he gets cross)
C) didn't apologise for pulling up the plant
D) made it all about him feeling sorry for himself that he's 'working hard'

I told him how upset and angry I felt then he called me a nag.

AIBU to feel this is unreasonable behaviour? I feel so hurt and disrespected when he swears at me.

OP posts:
Beebacoff · 22/05/2016 14:50

Not unreasonable.

That was very nasty of him.

StableButDeluded · 22/05/2016 14:52

Not unreasonable. He sounds lovely Hmm

Beebacoff · 22/05/2016 14:53

Not unreasonable.

That was very nasty of him.

VioletBam · 22/05/2016 14:54

What was his reason for pulling it up!? I'd be livid!

Beeziekn33ze · 22/05/2016 14:56

Why the honeysuckle? Is he on some unstoppable tidy up the garden day? Mine is just coming into flower, is yours an early one and finished? Get it out tomorrow and replant it!

Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 14:58

It hasn't flowered yet. It was about to 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 15:00

I was upset about the plant, but now I'm more upset about his attitude to me. Dismissive of my feelings and thinks it's ok to swear at me like that. I asked him if he thought his dad would swear at his mum like that. The answer, I know, is 'of course not'. Is that normal?

OP posts:
StableButDeluded · 22/05/2016 15:13

Well I think you know the answer, of course it's not 'normal' to to tell your wife to piss off and that she's a nag in a healthy, loving marriage.
And it's completely normal for you to be upset by that. The plant can be re-planted or replaced, it's why he is acting like that, that is the issue.

Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 15:19

He had depression for a long time, with angry outbursts being a main symptom. I almost left him. He's on medication now, and a lot better generally, but sometimes, when this kind of thing happens, I feel I'd be happier on my own.

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Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 15:20

Thanks for some perspective on the plant, too, stable! I think I'll buy a new one, as you suggest.

OP posts:
SooBee61 · 22/05/2016 15:39

Time to see a divorce lawyer I think. Or at least the threat of one.

Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 15:45

He's gone out now, without telling me.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 22/05/2016 15:48

Wait... he'll come back with a replacement plant (if he is sensible).

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 22/05/2016 15:50

Oh spare button, what a shame. Does he hate gardening and can't tell the difference between a plant and a weed? Was he perhaps annoyed at something else and took it out on the plant? Is he jealous of your love of gardening?

As suggested, buy another plant to put in its place - and to get your own back, maybe choose something prickly that will bite back if he touches it. (Pyracantha firethorn has vicious thorns and I mean vicious). Ooh, showing a nasty side.

Willow2016 · 22/05/2016 15:55

My ex hated 'flower' gardening, unless it was veg/fruit he thought it was a weed.
BUT he would NEVER have pulled up any of my lovely plants without asking me if I wanted to keep/move it out of his way first.

Its just petty and selfish. Dont put up with it. If he doesnt come back with a plant then get one yourself (one thats bigger than the last one Wink ) and replant. He knows he was wrong but is turning it around to blame you for 'nagging' like a kid. Tell him to grow up or get out! His words, his actions, his responsibility nobody else's.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 22/05/2016 15:57

Life's too short. If this isn't a one off then I'd look at your options tbh

Mouthfulofquiz · 22/05/2016 15:59

I'd be really fucking pissed off about that!!!

Vixyboo · 22/05/2016 16:07

My dp cannot tell the difference between plants and weeds sometimes. He doesn't like gardening. I love gardening.

After ds was born 2 years ago there was a heatwave and due to emergency c-section I was somewhat limited in my movements for a bit. I asked dp to do some gardening so ds and I could sit outside.

He got stressed and funny. Eventually I got him to tell me why. He didn't want to get it wrong re plants and weeds. I told him I would appreciate any effort he made.

I think some men do not like to get things 'wrong.'

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/05/2016 16:08

My Dh always gets far too destructive in the garden, under the impression that he is tidying it up. He pruned my just about to flower rose bush to the ground.
I'm sure your dh didn't pull down the honey suckle with the intention of upsetting you, but he owes you an apology.
Unfortunately, some people don't like to admit they have made a mistake.

Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 16:13

Yes, willow I told him to grow up.

It's not a one-off, but hasn't happened for a while. When he was depressed, he often yelled and swore.

He seemed to be better, but this has made me remember that there was a big shouty outburst / incident with DD a couple of months ago when I was away. She made me promise never to go away again and he wouldn't talk about what happened.

I want to ask him if anything is wrong but I am scared that he will accuse me of making it look as if he's the one with the problem. How can I bring his anger up diplomatically?

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diddl · 22/05/2016 16:13

"I'm sure your dh didn't pull down the honey suckle with the intention of upsetting you,"

But if he knew that Op liked it, I wonder what he thought the consequence of taking it down would be?

Or it didn't matter because he didn't want it in the garden?

PirateFairy45 · 22/05/2016 16:15

Pull a plant our stood whilst stood next to him and accidentally crack him with it. Mud all over him then when he gets angry be dismissive and say 'it's just a plant'

Topseyt · 22/05/2016 16:17

You are right to be pissed off and calling him out on his behaviour. Not acceptable.

Is the honeysuckle salvageable at the moment? If yes then I would pull it out of the composter and put it back. Sod him.

What is it with all of these twatty "D"Hs at the moment!?

Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 16:19

Spot on, vixy, he hates to get things wrong.

But I couldn't not say anything. He's often really careless and heavy-handed in the garden. And I do sometimes think there's a spiteful element to it, which is not a nice thought. It's like he thinks I'm too fussy and it's ok if he spoils something because it doesn't matter and it's 'just a plant'.

I guess that comes back to the dismissive / disrespect thing that has made me angry and upset today.

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Original poster
Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 16:20

Lol pirate! That has made me laugh. Thank you.

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