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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset about DH's behavior?

47 replies

Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 14:49

I see DH bundling a torn up plant into the compost bag.

Me: is that the honeysuckle from the trellis?
Him: yes.
Me: I've been growing that up the trellis.
Him: oh, well. It's just a plant.
Me: (feeling cross that he's being so dismissive) I wish you'd asked me first.
Him: whatever.
Me: (annoyed) you know, you can sometimes be destructive in the garden
Him: (angry, shouty ) piss off. I'm working hard out there.

I am feeling upset and angry that he:
A) dismissed my being upset he'd pulled out the plant
B) swore at me (he does this when he gets cross)
C) didn't apologise for pulling up the plant
D) made it all about him feeling sorry for himself that he's 'working hard'

I told him how upset and angry I felt then he called me a nag.

AIBU to feel this is unreasonable behaviour? I feel so hurt and disrespected when he swears at me.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/05/2016 16:22

He seemed to be better, but this has made me remember that there was a big shouty outburst / incident with DD a couple of months ago when I was away. She made me promise never to go away again and he wouldn't talk about what happened

So there's form for this type of behaviour. How old is your daughter?

Original poster

Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 16:30

She's 15.

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/05/2016 16:34

Nag is a nasty, twatty word to use.

So you're in a relationship where you cannot criticize him when he does anything wrong, or you get a mouthful, nice.

Asprilla11 · 22/05/2016 16:39

OP - As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety really badly, it's not an excuse to be shouty/aggresive.

I am quite quiet and a thoughtful type so I very very rarely get angry/shout, put if I ever did I definitely wouldn't use my depression as an excuse for my outburst and nor would I expect anyone to justify/defend my outburst because I suffer from depression.

Sometimes an angry outburst is just an angry outburst, there's no reason for it and there's no excuse!

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 16:42

OP there are so many red flags in what you say

also, I am getting an undertone that it's possible he did this on purpose? Like a "see how much you love me when I do this" test?

There is an outbreak of my pet hates on MN at the moment though - partners who are angry for no reason, partners who cannot be wrong because that will make them throw their toys out of the pram. I'm sorry to make the second sexist remark I've made in a week on here, but even as a teen I said to my mum "I don't understand why women have a reputation for being irrational and men don't" - IME that's the way round in reality, men being bizarrely irrational and often over some stupid thing like they can't bear to be wrong.

Or they have a monthly, as one of my ex-boyfriends said (he wasn't moody, he just got very low).

sorry, going back to your post - you need to talk to him. Do you know what actually happened while you were away?

Lilacpink40 · 22/05/2016 16:45

Could he be passive aggressive - he breaks something but acts like it wasn't on purpose and really it's your fault? Do you feel guilty a lot of the time, but know you're not doing anything wrong?

MummyBex1985 · 22/05/2016 16:48

Some men just don't handle criticism well. Sounds like your DH is one of them.

He's completely out of order, but you know that.

I hate the "walking out of the house without speaking to you" thing as "punishment", too

Naicehamshop · 22/05/2016 16:53

Has he come back with a lovely new honeysuckle yet, OP?

StrangeLookingParasite · 22/05/2016 16:54

It's not 'just a plant'.

Original poster

Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 17:01

write, they ended up having a row over packing for a trip. My DD told me he shouted at her and wouldn't help. She'd left it to 1am in the morning, which is normal for her. He refused to talk about it when I asked him.

I often feel like I'm the only adult in the house😩.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparebutton · 22/05/2016 17:02

lilac yes.
naice no.

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 17:04

I wouldn't shout, but I don't think I'd help a 15 year old pack at 1am either.

TheUnsullied · 22/05/2016 17:20

Why are we talking about red flags here? He's had form for this behaviour while suffering for depression but not so much since. He's been a bit of a twat on the back of some criticism. This is a spat where he's been out of line, not the way he treats his family as a rule.

GabsAlot · 22/05/2016 17:24

he sounds like maybe his medication isnt working when did he last have a review

saying that my husband hates being wrong goes onthe defensive i just ignore him

Lilacpink40 · 22/05/2016 18:03

Sorry to say this but my STBXH made me feel guilty all the time and I now realise that I was the only adult in the house. You have an advantage that your DH recognises his depression. Could you go to doctor's together and talk about the anger. It may be linked, but equally it may not be. Either way getting some honestly in now and trying to work on this could really help. You know it's more than a one off and you don't want it to continue as you're writing on here.

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 18:08

Red flags "I feel so hurt and disrespected when he swears at me."

not a one off.

"I want to ask him if anything is wrong but I am scared that he will accuse me of making it look as if he's the one with the problem. How can I bring his anger up diplomatically?"

Walking on eggshells

" He's often really careless and heavy-handed in the garden. And I do sometimes think there's a spiteful element to it, which is not a nice thought. "

self explanatory. Those are just the ones I could be arsed to paste.

MistressDeeCee · 22/05/2016 18:09

^ This alone would set alarm bells ringing loudly, for me.

Depression is no excuse for being downright nasty and you need to put some space between you and he. I don't buy into the tiptoeing around or using depression as an excuse to be horrible to partners - when we all know, people like this are perfectly able to be social and civil with friends and work colleagues - that is because they want and choose to be)

The thing with your DD tho - Id be very wary. He needs to be out of the house so you can get time and space to think, and your DD can open up to you about what reallly happened there. He's a grown man not a dependent baby if he wants to see GP again about his depression he doesn't need you there. Your DD however, needs to be able to grow up in non-frightening atmosphere. & you matter too, you're under no obligation to put up with his shit. Whats the bettering he destroyed a plant you love on purpose?

Fuck that - life's way, way too short

TheUnsullied · 22/05/2016 21:34

We're really using an aggressive style of gardening as a red flag?

I'm out. When a ltb verdict comes along that involves a person's demeanour while digging, I officially have no more to say. It's perfectly possible for a person to be a dick head occasionally without being abusive as a person. Swearing doesn't equate to abuse either. OP can end the relationship for whatever reasons she wants, angry gardening included, but there are a huge amount of posters on here who would seemingly advise a person to divorce their partner because they've said some hurtful things during a run of the mill domestic.

ohtheholidays · 22/05/2016 21:42

I love my garden and gardening and honestly I'd have wanted to twat him one!

But then you said about your DD making you promise to never go away again.Honestly OP I'd have kicked the Bastard out then!!

I hope you got to the bottom of what had happened whilst you were away.

He's out of order and you know this,I wouldn't put up with it and I say that as someone that's had depression twice,one time was really really bad and I wanted to end it all and I know depression(and there are many different kinds)affect different people in different ways but if he's always been like this,wrecking your stuff,shouting and swearing,having no empathy towards you and what you value then that's not depression that's him just being a nasty piece of work.

I was married to a bully for 7 years from the age of 18-25,I'd been with him since I was 16 and we had 2DC together after we got married,the best thing I ever did was to get the courage together to end that marriage!

Valentine2 · 22/05/2016 21:47

I would throw (hide) one of his things and torment him with it a while

Original poster

Sparebutton · 23/05/2016 09:30

Thanks to everyone who commented! I'm not going to ltb over a plant lol, but your responses encouraged me to insist on discussing this with DH - specifically his angry response.

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 23/05/2016 20:32

Er, it's not about a plant.

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