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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think ds teacher over stepped the mark here, or am I precious?

38 replies

MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:04

ds2 is 6, and been doing his SATS, fro 3 weeks we assumed his breathing difficulties was his asthma/allergies playing up, until a few days ago we got told it was childhood anxiety.

I spoke to the school after discussing it with ds consultant, and his teacher said "Did the doctor say this in front of ds!, Hmm I said yes as he was being examined, however ds would not understand the adult words being spoken about and it was said in a friendly manner, doctor had a chat with ds and said if he felt his breathing funny he had to go to his parents and get a big cuddle as that's what us parents do best, dh was over the moon he got 2 stickers instead of one also.

She then went onto assume that me and dh have spoken about this in front of ds, and said conversations like this should not be heard by ds2 [hmm[ in a really judgemental tone... and how irresponsible it was of us, with exacerbated tones, we haven't spoken about this to ds, currently he thinks its his asthma/allergies playing up, she also said as school he seems fine...

Seems fine = the school nurse had to give him his inhaler everyday this past week... also on Wednesday, when his granddad picked him up he had to rush him home and give him his inhalers as he thought ds was having an asthma attack....

Im just really Angry that she assumed or actually told us what we can and cant speak about with to our son.

No help was really offered, just that after the SATS we will see if his breathing gets better...

I just feel as she over stepped the mark, who is a teacher to tell us what we can and cannot discuss in front of our child.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/05/2016 07:09

YANBU..she sounds rather overbearing. She could advise on this but shouldn't tell you.

We have this with DD'S teacher too..she took it upon herself recently to tell us what DD'S diet should be (allergy related) and to tell us not to reintroduce some food. I felt it wasn't her place, although she obviously cares about DD.

Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:09

excuse the mistakes, early morning with little to no sleep.

OP posts:
Feenie · 20/05/2016 07:11

It's her opinion. She's allowed to give it, and you're allowed to disagree. It sounds annoying that she assumed you might have said something in front of ds, but I can't see why she can't advise against that.

blublutoo · 20/05/2016 07:11

I wouldn't worry about it at all. I think that's a really odd thing for the teacher to say! I'm in the education field and I wouldn't dream of saying something like that. Plus even if you did say it in front of DS, it's not going to massively harm him. Many children hear a lot worse, including witnessing abuse etc.

Hope your son feels better soon

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 20/05/2016 07:14

I think she was very rude to call you 'irresponsible' and I would politely tackle her on that.

WordGetsAround · 20/05/2016 07:16

I also think she is underplaying the breathing / asthma thing, in a way I wouldn't be happy with. So many people still seem to think asthma is a minor thing. It isn't. It kills. I know this isn't very comforting, but I think there is still a lot to be done on educating the population at large about the risks is asthma. Maybe check they the school have a policy relating to asthma and that staff are well briefed?

ElleBellyBeeblebrox · 20/05/2016 07:18

Yanbu, and it's my view (as a parent of a 6year old and a school nurse) is that if the children are anxious and worried about the SATS then the school have handled it poorly. My daughter struggled with the practice papers which her teacher said a lot of would be "over her head", so I asked that if she was visibly not managing then she be allowed to leave it and draw or colour or read instead, but that is apparently not allowed. Hope your little guy feels better soon.

Feenie · 20/05/2016 07:19

Surely it's the GP who is underplaying it?

Why did he his grandad have to 'rush him home' to get an inhaler?

Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:23

Yes the belter that she came out with was that ds did not know he was doing his real SATS Hmm she was most put out when I told her this wasn't the case at all, ds knew on Monday morning he was sitting the real ones.

I have had minor issues with this teacher before, not with ds2 however, but with ds1. Ds2 has a care plan in school and every 6 months the teachers get training just for ds2. I dont think its the school that isn't clued up, I just think its her!

OP posts:
Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:26

Feenie, ds2 took a panic attack, which his grandparent thought was an asthma attack, however this was not known until we took him to the GP.

GP isn't underplaying it, ds is under a consultant anyway, GP sent a email to ds consultant, and we were seen the next day, ds will be seeing play therapists next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:28

and when I say inhalers, its actually his nebuliser, ds has a nebuliser at home.

OP posts:
kitkat1968 · 20/05/2016 07:31

I dunno i think it is unfair to pin this on the teacher.everybody who has hay fever at work has been really struggling the past couple of weeks, I think it us more likely to be that. Have all the other chikdren got breathing difficulties?

Lilaclily · 20/05/2016 07:31

I think his teacher sounds awful
I guess you could wait it out and hope year 3 will be better
Or you could have a word with the head

acasualobserver · 20/05/2016 07:32

I felt it wasn't her place ...

Absolutely, teachers should know their place.

BillSykesDog · 20/05/2016 07:36

I think you might have misunderstood and be assuming wrong. From what you've said, the only person who has discussed this in front of DS is the consultant as far as she knows. So if she was judging anybody it would be the consultant and not you.

I would tend to agree with her. Children tend to understand more than we realise. And even if he didn't understand all of it he might have understood some, and if he's anxious anyway hearing that he has some sort of condition but not understanding what it is isn't going to help.

Plus another potential reading of it is that she is surprised that your child's allergies are being written off as anxiety when to her anxiety is not presented at school.

It's so ambiguous she certainly expressed herself badly. But I think that assuming that she was criticising your parenting is a pretty big leap.

Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:39

Kitkat, what am I pining on this teacher? ds has 3 "teachers" his teacher, and 2 TA's.

Kitkat this is NOT hayfever, and what has the other kids in his class got to do with this, ds has seen a GP and a consultant, also seen videos that I have taken of ds, ds has childhood anxiety, it started 3 weeks ago, when SATS mocks where introduced, in exam settings. Ds consultant who knows him from birth, thinks hes stressed with the whole thing, he only bloody 6 years of age.

OP posts:
VioletBam · 20/05/2016 07:40

The teacher has no right to berate you for your personal choice in parenting in this instance. You chose and the GP thought it was fine to discuss anxiety in front of DS.

The teacher's opinion has no bearing whatsoever on his condition or what he knows about it!

birdsdestiny · 20/05/2016 07:44

I think it is the approach by most schools to underplay the year 2 sats. My son has been doing 'quizes' all week and is not in the slightest bit worried. What she said about SATS is what is being said in schools around the country. It is possible that she was inappropriate about your child's asthma, but just not sure jumping on everything she says will help the situation.

Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:47

No ds teacher specifically stated that me and dh should not be discussing this in front of him, I did not assume this, she did, I had to explain to her that this was not something me and dh had discussed in front of our child, she then went on to say that it was irresponsible of us to discuss it, I then had to state again quite abruptly that we haven't not spoken about it in front of ds.

I haven't misunderstood this.

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 20/05/2016 07:48

It's sounds to me as if she was being rather defensive. maybe she feels a bit guilty as to the fact he is having panic attacks in her classroom. But instead of trying to help you and ds she thinks telling you off is the best optionHmm

I'd ask for a meeting with her to discuss his anxiety issues and how you can all work together to ensure he gets better.

Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:50

Just because a school underplays something does not mean a child is not effected by it, 32 pupils in my childs class, so far my ds is the only one I know of that has had a full on panic attack leaving the school yard, just after taking his SATS

OP posts:
Original poster
MsJamieFraser · 20/05/2016 07:52

I tried that bakeoffcake, apparently I have to see if ds anxiety breathing stops after his SATS (he had his last one yesterday) and if not then I can go in and discuss it with her.

OP posts:
GloopyGhoul · 20/05/2016 07:52

But why on earth wouldn't you discuss your son's anxiety with him?! I think we've all learned by now that sweeping any sort of mental health problem under the carpet can make things worse.

It sounds a bit like you are letting your son and his grandparents continue to think it's asthma when it's not.

Talk to your son, and allow the teacher to be part of this conversation where appropriate.

murmuration · 20/05/2016 07:53

I'm actually really confused - is hiding things from a 6-year-old meant to be the right thing? Surely he knows he's gone to the doctor, he's been examined, and they've said stuff. I explain my own medical condition to my my 4yo in easy to understand words in order to alleviate any concerns she might have. I would think that something myterious going on and people saying it's all fine when it clearly isn't as he's having trouble breathing and things are different. And then you're meant to lie about what the real test is? Perhaps I'm completely off-base, but it seems to me honesty in terms they can understand is better than hiding stuff.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 20/05/2016 07:57

A teacher isn't a medical professional and shouldn't really be consulted over anxiety issues.

I would just politely challenge the 'irresponsible ' line and then leave it and follow advice from the doctor.