AIBU to think ds teacher over stepped the mark here, or am I precious?

[MsJamieFraser]

ds2 is 6, and been doing his SATS, fro 3 weeks we assumed his breathing difficulties was his asthma/allergies playing up, until a few days ago we got told it was childhood anxiety.

I spoke to the school after discussing it with ds consultant, and his teacher said "Did the doctor say this in front of ds!, I said yes as he was being examined, however ds would not understand the adult words being spoken about and it was said in a friendly manner, doctor had a chat with ds and said if he felt his breathing funny he had to go to his parents and get a big cuddle as that's what us parents do best, dh was over the moon he got 2 stickers instead of one also.

She then went onto assume that me and dh have spoken about this in front of ds, and said conversations like this should not be heard by ds2 [hmm[ in a really judgemental tone... and how irresponsible it was of us, with exacerbated tones, we haven't spoken about this to ds, currently he thinks its his asthma/allergies playing up, she also said as school he seems fine...

Seems fine = the school nurse had to give him his inhaler everyday this past week... also on Wednesday, when his granddad picked him up he had to rush him home and give him his inhalers as he thought ds was having an asthma attack....

Im just really that she assumed or actually told us what we can and cant speak about with to our son.

No help was really offered, just that after the SATS we will see if his breathing gets better...

I just feel as she over stepped the mark, who is a teacher to tell us what we can and cannot discuss in front of our child.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

There seemed to be a view that "children shouldn't be told that they are different, as we treat everyone the same". Maybe that view is quite common!

It does seem to be something that schools churn out quite a lot. But really, if they treat everyone the same, they're not doing their jobs: by law they should be making adjustments for those who need them. Time for that excellent picture illustrating what equality means.

[allowlsthinkalot]

I wouldn't be happy with the "advice" and would tell her so. If it were my child I would most certainly discuss it with him, explain the physiology of anxiety and explore ways of coping. What is inappropriate is teaching a child that mental health shouldn't be discussed or that talking about it will make it worse.

[SquinkiesRule]

The Head doesn't get to have a medical opinion unless she is also your childs consultant.
She obviously sees child anxiety and asthma as not a big deal and you as overprotective parents. I doubt she realizes that the asthma can be life threatening.
Having to see the nurse and use his inhaler daily wasn't good and the consultant has given his medical opinion, she doesn't get to undermine that. It is the consultant who spoke to your ds and told him to go to his parents for a hug.
She is overstepping her role.

[Feenie]

I hate the fact that they've lowered the age for Sats and 3 weeks Oh my God it was bad enough when they were 7/8 and it went on for a week/2.

They've not lowered the age, ohtheholidays, they've always been for Year 2 (6/7 year olds) since they were introduced in 1991.

[TwoLittleBlooms]

She sounds like my daughters yr 6 teacher (she is now yr 8). I went to them to say I felt she had issues (dyspraxia) as I could recognize the signs as I had it (diagnosed a few years previous whilst at uni) and I got berated for saying anything in front of her about my dyspraxia - apparently I was causing her to fake her problems!

I would go and discuss your concerns with the head teacher - she sounds very rude and minimizing of your sons health problems.

[FoggyMorn]

Completely different condition(s), but this (don't discuss the child's condition with the child), has been pointedly said to us by HT and class teachers (never by various specialists involved tho).

There seemed to be a view that "children shouldn't be told that they are different, as we treat everyone the same". Maybe that view is quite common! The school staff were actually quite horrified we were discussing strategies with our DC.

In our own DC cases (one ASD, one Dyslexic). We told the HT and teacher that we certainly did discuss the DC conditions with them, in a positive way so they understood why they struggled with things others found easy. That was right from the start of the diagnostic tests (age 3 for one DC and a bit older for the other).

Kids who are different, or struggle with certain things are usually well aware of it... Hiding things from them and pretending to them they don't have problem is hardly going to help them develop a good sense of self esteem is it?

[AugustaFinkNottle]

It does irritate me when teachers say that, because they personally haven't observed that a child is anxious, therefore the child can't be anxious. In the nature of things, with 30 children in a class there's an excellent chance that the teacher won't notice the kid who's gone a bit quiet and is retiring into the corner. But they have to realise that all that bottled-up anxiety is going to come out at some point, whether it is in an asthma attack or when they get home.

[skinoncustard]

MsJamieFraser
How silly are you , your GP, your consultant!!!!! There is no way your son is suffering from anxiety ! or asthma for that matter. This is true because a teacher thinks the doctor and you and your husband talking about it is giving your son 'ideas' ! Also some random person on the internet suggests its hay fever ! She knows this because some people in her office have it !!!
Sometimes this place amazes me !

[ohtheholidays]

I hope that made sense I only managed 2 hours sleep last night

[ohtheholidays]

Only read your first post OP but please make a formal complaint against the teacher today and I say that as someone that was a teacher for many years!

I hate the fact that they've lowered the age for Sats and 3 weeks Oh my God it was bad enough when they were 7/8 and it went on for a week/2.

She is completely out of order.

You could have a chat with your son and tell him what I used to tell the DC that I taught that were suffering with anxiety over they're Sats.
The Sats are not used to test or check on the child/children it's to test how well the school is doing for the children!
And I can promise you OP that is the actual truth!That's why you may have teachers,TA's,Heads of school running around like headless chickens and looking in a constant state of panic.
I'm friends still with quite a few teachers and head teachers and I have friends that are involved with Ofsted as well
Please reasure your DS that he is not being tested it is the school that's being tested.I do wish they'd tell all children that.I understand why the teaching staff worry but honestly I've never thought it was right for the DC or they're parents to be kept in the dark.

[MsJamieFraser]

Can I say also, the reason we are going down the play therapist route, ds has loads of conditions, him having a condition would truly not faze him, its part of his life, he's has had over 30 big operations due to this and has acute asthma and multiple anaphylaxis allergies.

AS parents we just want this to be easy and child friendly, the first thing we are looking at, is how to explain to ds the difference between a panic attack and a asthma attack, this will be quite difficult to explain to 6 year old, we want to do it the RIGHT way.

[GreenTomatoJam]

'He didn't know he was doing the real SATS' - sounds like this teacher is of the mind that 'what they don't know, can't hurt them'

Personally I'm the other way round both for myself, and my kids - I tell my kids if medicine is going to taste bad, an injection is going to hurt, we're going to be somewhere boring for a long time because I'd prefer that they knew what was going on, rather than everything being a horrible surprise.

And if a child is asthmatic, I've seen some people think that it's just like bad hay fever. Not realising that just because it's fine 99% of the time, that last 1% of the time it's very, very serious and needs to be treated like the life and death situation it is.

If a kid is anxious, then surely knowing when the real one is isn't a bad thing - rather than living on high alert for weeks not knowing which test actually matters?

[MsJamieFraser]

We haven't take a concious decision not to discuss it in front of him, we are seeing the play therapist next week to discuss how to approach it in a child friendly way, we are adults, we want to discuss it in a way ds understands.
In the mean time, when he breathes the way he is, we are giving him loads of TLC, and spending lots of one2 one time, he only got the diagnosis on Wednesday, confirmed by his consultant yesterday.

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

A teacher isn't a medical professional and shouldn't really be consulted over anxiety issues.

I would just politely challenge the 'irresponsible ' line and then leave it and follow advice from the doctor.

[murmuration]

I'm actually really confused - is hiding things from a 6-year-old meant to be the right thing? Surely he knows he's gone to the doctor, he's been examined, and they've said stuff. I explain my own medical condition to my my 4yo in easy to understand words in order to alleviate any concerns she might have. I would think that something myterious going on and people saying it's all fine when it clearly isn't as he's having trouble breathing and things are different. And then you're meant to lie about what the real test is? Perhaps I'm completely off-base, but it seems to me honesty in terms they can understand is better than hiding stuff.

[GloopyGhoul]

But why on earth wouldn't you discuss your son's anxiety with him?! I think we've all learned by now that sweeping any sort of mental health problem under the carpet can make things worse.

It sounds a bit like you are letting your son and his grandparents continue to think it's asthma when it's not.

Talk to your son, and allow the teacher to be part of this conversation where appropriate.

[MsJamieFraser]

I tried that bakeoffcake, apparently I have to see if ds anxiety breathing stops after his SATS (he had his last one yesterday) and if not then I can go in and discuss it with her.

[MsJamieFraser]

Just because a school underplays something does not mean a child is not effected by it, 32 pupils in my childs class, so far my ds is the only one I know of that has had a full on panic attack leaving the school yard, just after taking his SATS

[bakeoffcake]

It's sounds to me as if she was being rather defensive. maybe she feels a bit guilty as to the fact he is having panic attacks in her classroom. But instead of trying to help you and ds she thinks telling you off is the best option

I'd ask for a meeting with her to discuss his anxiety issues and how you can all work together to ensure he gets better.

[MsJamieFraser]

No ds teacher specifically stated that me and dh should not be discussing this in front of him, I did not assume this, she did, I had to explain to her that this was not something me and dh had discussed in front of our child, she then went on to say that it was irresponsible of us to discuss it, I then had to state again quite abruptly that we haven't not spoken about it in front of ds.

I haven't misunderstood this.

[birdsdestiny]

I think it is the approach by most schools to underplay the year 2 sats. My son has been doing 'quizes' all week and is not in the slightest bit worried. What she said about SATS is what is being said in schools around the country. It is possible that she was inappropriate about your child's asthma, but just not sure jumping on everything she says will help the situation.

[VioletBam]

The teacher has no right to berate you for your personal choice in parenting in this instance. You chose and the GP thought it was fine to discuss anxiety in front of DS.

The teacher's opinion has no bearing whatsoever on his condition or what he knows about it!

[MsJamieFraser]

Kitkat, what am I pining on this teacher? ds has 3 "teachers" his teacher, and 2 TA's.

Kitkat this is NOT hayfever, and what has the other kids in his class got to do with this, ds has seen a GP and a consultant, also seen videos that I have taken of ds, ds has childhood anxiety, it started 3 weeks ago, when SATS mocks where introduced, in exam settings. Ds consultant who knows him from birth, thinks hes stressed with the whole thing, he only bloody 6 years of age.

[BillSykesDog]

I think you might have misunderstood and be assuming wrong. From what you've said, the only person who has discussed this in front of DS is the consultant as far as she knows. So if she was judging anybody it would be the consultant and not you.

I would tend to agree with her. Children tend to understand more than we realise. And even if he didn't understand all of it he might have understood some, and if he's anxious anyway hearing that he has some sort of condition but not understanding what it is isn't going to help.

Plus another potential reading of it is that she is surprised that your child's allergies are being written off as anxiety when to her anxiety is not presented at school.

It's so ambiguous she certainly expressed herself badly. But I think that assuming that she was criticising your parenting is a pretty big leap.

[acasualobserver]

I felt it wasn't her place ...

Absolutely, teachers should know their place.