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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my nan to just sod off!

72 replies

Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 12:09

I've posted about my nan before. She is very defiant and if she can't get her own way she plays the victim and becomes threatening. The gist of my last post was that my nan has severe bone problems where she finds walking and standing up difficult. She drops things all the time and has started falling over a lot, however she refuses to see that there's anything wrong. I have a 16 week old baby and when he was born I asked that she didn't stand up or walk around while holding him. Basically she went ballistic saying she never wanted to see me again, that I was making her feel like an old woman in a nursing home etc. She then told my mother that she was contacting a solicitor to remove me from her will. Eventually I felt forced to apologise because she was making it difficult to my grandad to see the baby. She pretty much now pretends nothing happens, however she takes every opportunity she can to be defiant and piss me of. Yesterday I visited her with my mum. When we got there we had to pop out quickly and as baby was sleeping in his car seat she unthinkingly said we would leave him there as we wont be long. I couldn't take him then as my nan would start with her "you don't trust me with the baby". However, she did say she wouldn't take him out of the car seat. When outside my mum realised she had made a mistake and was really apologetic. We got back and baby was out of the car seat in the living room. I was not best pleased as her legs seemed especially bad and she was struggling to walk and bend. The car seat was on a hard tiled surface on the floor and its a fiddly car seat at the best of times. She then proceeded to hog the baby, walking around with him, taking him into other rooms away from everyone, telling me what he likes as if I don't know what my own child likes. Just being a general nuisance. Then when we were sitting down having coffee my nan was holding him and decided to pick up a chocolate from the box on the table and held it to his lips saying "do you want some?". I give her dagger eyes and she smirked at me and put it in her mouth. I'm hoping she wasn't stupid enough to actually give it to him though I suspect she was going to let him lick it. She then proceeded to fuss him so much trying to get him to smile at her that he threw up all over himself. He rarely throws up. I've had enough, I feel like she's trying to punish me for asking her not to hold him while standing up by continually walking around with him and taking him away from me. She's very aware I don't like it, how could she not be! Would it be unreasonable to limit contact to once a month and if she continues to act like this just cut her out? I really don't want to ever see her again but realise that it makes life difficult for my mum and grandad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 14:34

AuntieKippers - Honestly, I would love for my mum to just tell my dad. Yes, there would more than likely be a huge argument but I think they would get over it.
Yes, my mum has borrowed money from my nan in the past.

As for my grandad, my nan is a complete bitch to him. She does control the money he is given and also any presents he is given. For example, one Christmas me and my mum gave him vouchers for a shop he particularly likes. January sale comes round and my nan pipes up "let's go have a look around said shop". She chooses items she likes and gets to the till. While paying, then turns to my grandad, "oh, you've got those vouchers from Christmas, we might as well use them up now". My grandad just gives them! And then is really upset as he had been saving them for something.

Anyhow, that's a thread on its own and I'm going off topic, sorry.

OP posts:

Buggers · 19/05/2016 14:36

Do you or oh drive? If so just go pick your grandad up and bring him to yours a day your nan has no appointments. If she's well enough to walk around a busy shop in January sales I'm slightly confused how unsteady she is

AuntieKippers · 19/05/2016 14:38

Also do either your Mum or your Dad visit you independently of your Nan?

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 19/05/2016 14:42

How horrible. My MIL and her hubby (66 and 76 at the time) were like this. They forget (won't accept) that they are ageing and can't do the things they used to do. FIL walked down their rickety downhill garden path with babe-in-arms and tripped - flinging poor baby onto the grass. Luckily nothing ghastly happened but for a split lip (FILS's) but it could have been so much worse. I assume you are worried that something like that could happen. That was a tremendous wake-up call for them and they never picked him up again.

Original poster

Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 14:44

Buggers- she uses a crutch when it's particularly bad. She has a treatment which makes it better for a little bit but then it gets bad again. So she has good and bad days.

AuntieKippers- Yes, I see my parents around 2-3 times a week and usually I see my nan once.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/05/2016 14:48

Surely your grandad is entitled to a free bus pass?

So it doesnt have to be lack of bus fare stopping him coming to see you.

Tiggywinkler · 19/05/2016 14:49

Your Nan is a nasty, vindictive, manipulative bully. Each update makes it clearer that she's a real piece of work.

Your poor Grandad - and Mum.

Honestly, I'd be questioning whether I wanted to have any contact with an abusive blackmailer. I wouldn't want my children being brought up around that kind of influence.

RattieOfCatan · 19/05/2016 15:04

It sounds horrible, but your Mum and Gran's issues are not yours. You should not be compromising your child's safety because your Gran will squeal on your Mum if you don't toe the line.

You need to stop visiting your Gran and remove yourself from the situation, she sounds toxic to be frank. If you can drive then pick your Granddad up and take him for lunch to see baby (or to yours?). I agree with Meridian, it sounds like he is in an abusive relationship, more-so after your last post.

seagreengirl · 19/05/2016 15:05

What an absolutely horrible woman. Why, oh why, are people like this to other people? ultimately they always come out the losers.

What does she have to gain for treating you like this ? nothing, no loving granddaughter to spend time with in her old age, no great grandkids eager to go and visit her. What a stupid waste, stupid woman. I just don't get it.

TawnyGrisette · 19/05/2016 15:16

Your baby, your rules. Not only that, you have the highest status in the family, as the mother of the new generation - unless you're from a non-western culture.

Highest 'status' in the family? Only in your own head, love!

murphyslaws · 19/05/2016 15:22

As most have said YOUR baby YOUR rules.

If she doesn't like them then tough she can't see him!

AuntieKippers · 19/05/2016 15:23

No-one should have "the highest status" in a family. The problem here is that the Nan thinks she is Mrs Mostimportant . Vying for status won't make anyone happy. Mutual respect is the way to go.

Nan is nasty though and needs standing up to.

Parker231 · 19/05/2016 15:30

Arrange for your Grandad to visit you at your house rather than you going to see them?

BoatyMcBoat · 19/05/2016 15:52

Can you arrange to meet your grandad somewhere out of his house - a cafe round the corner or something, you'd have to pay so your nan doesn't ask what he's spent his allowance on. What sort of excuse/reason could get him out of the house without her on a day when everyone knows she hasn't got an appointment? I'm sure the ingenuity of the Collective MN could think of a way to get him out while she stays in.

MissPunnyMany · 19/05/2016 16:39

You need to stand up to your nan. Your mum is an adult, she can either do it with you, or stay out if it. But it needs doing. She is counting on her abusive behaviour towards your grandad and mum keeping everyone in check, she is just a bully.

And what do we do with bullies?

ALTOGETHER NOW: We stand up to them!!

(I've stood up to my own bullying grandparent and parent, its not nice, but it is necessary)

timelytess · 20/05/2016 17:59

No-one should have "the highest status" in a family
Oh, yes they should. The new mum gets it by right. The rest of you can back off.

timelytess · 20/05/2016 18:01

Highest 'status' in the family? hmm Only in your own head, love!
Bad attitude shown there. Status is conceded by all others to the mother. That's how it goes. If you cling to that longer than is your right, you are incorrect. So back off granny. You are a grandmother, I take it, love?

flannelwash · 20/05/2016 18:31

Hi OP haven't read all the responses yet so sorry if I x post, have a look at the stately homes threads. Although she's not a parent to you she is obviously toxic and it's very common unfortunately. History has a way of repeating itself and I personally think she will never change her behaviour. The smirking whilst taunting you with the chocolate really shows that she knows exactly what she's doing, do you really want someone like that around your baby? Undermining your parenting like I'm sure she did to your mum. Anyway there's a huge support network on mumsnet for children of toxic parents, just thought I'd mention. Best of luck OP

Pettywoman · 20/05/2016 19:13

Be strong and stand up to her. Hopefully by doing that you'll be an example to your Mum and GF, perhaps they'll get a bit braver too. I can't believe you're all dancing to her tune.

AuntieKippers · 21/05/2016 16:50

Timelytess -you are the one with the attitude.
Of course the mother decides what happens with the baby and what she says goes, but viewing family relationships in terms of status in general is asking for conflict.
I am not defending this particular Nan BTW who sounds horrible but you seem to be implying that older people are not worthy of respect in general.
"Respect your elders" was traditionally the status quo and that wasn't right either. Talking about status makes it sound like a power struggle. As long as no-one acts in a way to loose respect all adults have equal status.

Children also do not have low status.

timelytess · 23/05/2016 13:40

I'll tell you how to be happy. Ignore me if you wish.

TawnyGrisette · 26/05/2016 11:05

Bad attitude shown there. Status is conceded by all others to the mother. That's how it goes. If you cling to that longer than is your right, you are incorrect. So back off granny. You are a grandmother, I take it, love?

Hahaha you're a fucking loon! No, I'm not a grandmother, and thank fuck I have a daughter, rather than a son who might marry a woman who thinks that everyone in the family should bow down to her just because she managed to pop out a kid!

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